Zambrano’s Worth

After the Barry Zito signing, many Cubs fans are up in arms about whether the Cubs will be able to retain the soon-to-be-very-expensive Carlos Zambrano. Zito is durable, but if he is $18-million-per-year good, expect Carlos Zambrano to get- well- more than that. Substantially more.

LUKE: The reward would be-

HAN: What?

LUKE: Well, more wealth that you can imagine.

HAN: I don’t know. I can imagine quite a bit.

Zambrano imagines quite a bit.

There’s no really interesting news around baseball, so Fire Lou Piniella! would like to wish you a happy and safe New Year’s Eve/Day.

Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

SAN FRANCISCO–While the other Barry in San Francisco is having a rough go of it, Barry Zito is having a most excellent day.

The San Francisco Giants and Zito have reached a preliminary agreement on a bodacious, seven-year, $126 million contract.

Eighteen million dollars a year?! Excellent! I’m a flyball pitcher with an outfield with the average age of 62?! Bogus!

Zito had his own number in mind when negotiating his salary, which he asked one Fire Lou Piniella! reporter to guess. When the reporter correctly guessed “69,” Zito said, “Whoa,” and then strummed the air.

When asked about his new contract, Zito said, “The dudes in my band, the Wyld Stallyns, will be most excited about this gnarly fortune. Perhaps we can finally get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.” Zito then hugged his best friend Bill S. Preston, esq., after which both simultaneously called one another “Fag.” Ozzie Guillen could not be reached for comment.

Barroid’s Uppance is Coming

SAN FRANCISCO–The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that “federal investigators probing steroids in sports can now use the names and urine samples of about 100 Major League Baseball players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs,” according to SI.com.

The ruling could spell disaster for Barry Bonds, who is already under investigation for perjury for telling a federal grand jury that he never knowingly took performance-enhancing drugs. The long and short of it is that Bonds haters should rejoice.

Dante Bichette Lobbying Hall of Fame Voters; Seriously

DENVER–Imagine a world where Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken, and Dante Bichette are in the same Hall of Fame class. Can’t imagine it? Okay. Pull back a little bit and imagine a world where Dante Bichette is in the Hall of Fame. Still tough? Pull back a little bit more and imagine Dante Bichette getting a single vote for enshrinement in baseball’s Hall of Fame. Still nothing? How about imagining Dante Bichette being allowed to visit the Hall of Fame. Getting closer? No? Okay, imagine a world where you will ever mention Dante Bichette’s name again without referencing this article. There we go.

“Yo, Castilla, did you just fart?”

Dante Bichette thinks he deserves to be in Cooperstown. (wait for laughter to die down before suggesting campaign slogan “Bichette. The Best a Man Can Get”) That’s right. Dante Bichette. A guy whose best numbers outside of his Coors-inflated totals were 23 homers and 90 RBI with Cincinnati and Boston in 2000. A guy who could have his own blooper reel filled with his wacky misadventures in the outfield.

If Bichette’s former teammate Larry Walker is considered a borderline Hall of Famer, then Bichette isn’t even close. Walker did everything better than Bichette, and if his Coors-inflated numbers aren’t good enough for the Hall, Bichette’s aren’t even good enough for my hall. The one right outside of my bathroom. After I ate eggs and drank Old Style all day.

By the way, keep your fingers crossed for Andre Dawson. The dude deserves to be in the Hall, and turds like Joe Morgan are keeping him out.

EDIT: I just noticed that Bichette sort of looks like Bertier from Remember the Titans. Yes?

Cubs 2006 Highlights: The Year in Review

Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

Uncle Time.

1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.

Happy Holidays from Lou!

Merry Christmas, c@#$suckers.

I Am Sam

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic–Sammy Sosa is back in training with hopes of returning to the Major Leagues. Having been passed developmentally by a seven-year-old Dakota Fanning, Sosa has a chip on his shoulder and is out to prove himself.

Sosa with Fanning in 2001. Fanning can now squat 50 pounds more than Sosa.

“I feel like I did when I was a rookie,” Sosa told The Associated Press, wheezing several times during a phone interview from his Dominican Republic home. “I have a lot of spirit and a desire to return. I think I can play three or four more years in the form I am now,” Sosa said, his emaciated body screaming in protest as he held a telephone handset to his ear.

Sosa says that he has received calls from teams interested in signing him, but would not name names. Sources close to Sosa suggest that the teams may have actually been Dominican secondary school teams interested in Sosa as a fourth outfielder.

Sosa does not feel his one-year layoff from baseball, which he considered a snub, will affect him going into the 2007 season.

“Ted Williams went to war and lost a couple years. More recently, Barry Bonds stayed away for more than a year and came back, and the same happened with Frank Thomas because of injuries,” he said over the sound of his creaking bones. “Also, astronauts don’t go up on a mission every year. And movie stars don’t always make a movie every year. And there’s a year-long break between holidays. All of these things make me think I can come back.”

Griffey Breaks Hand, Willis Breaks Law

What is going on in the world of baseball?  Ken Griffey Jr. broke his hand in an undisclosed accident at home.  Meanwhile, Dontrelle Willis was arrested for drunk driving.  Could these incidents both be anger stemming from the fact that Griffey’s value is now equivalent to Gary Matthews, Jr. and that Willis is actually worth less than Jason Marquis?

The answer, clearly, is yes.

With Seventh Circle of Hell “All Full Up,” Fick Signs with Nats

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Robert Fick, who achieved notoriety during the 2003 NLDS when he maliciously slapped at the wrist of Cubs first baseman Eric Karros, has agreed to a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals. The deal came after Fick was told by the Minotaur that the seventh circle of hell was “all full up.”

Violent offender. Probable sodomite.

Fick had been condemned to the river Phlegethon after his dastardly act against Karros, but there was no room for him in the river of blood. Fick was instead sent back to earth to suffer the second-worst punishment for his violent deed. He will now toil away in the Nationals’ minor league system, reminded every day that he is not as good as Brian Schneider.