Cubs Sign Lilly, Piniella Prepares “Deflowering” Jokes

CHICAGO–On Wednesday, the Chicago Cubs signed free agent left hander Ted Lilly to a four-year, $40M contract.  Today, “FLP!” learned that Cubs manager Lou Piniella has spent the last two days preparing jokes about Lilly to, “…get under his skin, and show him who’s the f@#$ing boss around here,” according to Piniella.

“I have some great ones written already,” Piniella said, pulling a beat-up old leather notepad from his back pocket.  “Like, if Lilly gets shelled some day, I’m going to tell the press, ‘It looks like your pretty Lilly got deflowered out there,’” Piniella joked, chortling with glee.

“Ooo, I hope we get a lot of rain in April, and then Lilly pitches really well in May,” Piniella continued, flipping to another page in his notepad.  “Because then I’ll get to use this little gem I cooked up, ‘You know what they say, folks.  April showers bring May flowers,’” Piniella grinned.  “I might even throw in, ‘And May flowers bring pilgrims.’  No, no,” Piniella said, crossing the line off his notepad.  “I guess that doesn’t really make any sense.”

“Hey, what was Frazier’s ex-wife’s name?  Was it Lilly?”  When told that Frazier’s wife’s name was actually “Lilith,” Piniella flew into an expletive-laced tirade.  “What the f@#$ kind of name is Lilith?  Can’t they just call her Lilly for short?  I wrote three f@#$ing pages of material on the assumption that her name was Lilly.  F@#$ Kelsey Grammar, that c@#$sucker.”