Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

Uncle Time.

1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.