Ushering in 101 years of suck.
CHICAGO–The Cubs have thankfully reached an agreement with right-handed towel-thrower Mark Prior. The announcement comes just weeks before Prior’s inevitable season-ending injury. The Cubs have not yet released the terms of the agreement, but sources close to Jim Hendry expect that the deal will include a lifetime supply of Always and a DVD copy of The Bridges of Madison County.
Mark Prior: Snapping into a hot tub near you. Summer, 2007.
What was the point of Gary Varsho? Other than the fact that he’s one of those guys whose name can only be said as a first and last name combination, little good can be said about Gary Varsho.
Thanks to the lunatic collecting vintage pictures of crappy Cubs for providing this picture. And the one of Chico Walker. Weird.
Gary Varsho had no power, didn’t make contact, couldn’t run, and struck out way more than he walked. Plus, he only has 10 more Major League home runs than I do. When you don’t break into the majors until you’re 27, your career path may look something like Gary Varsho’s.
My favorite “Gary Varsho” moment was during the writing of this article. I inadvertantly saved a copy of the Gary Varsho picture to the wrong folder, so I deleted the out-of-place Gary Varsho picture. My computer asked, “Do you want to send ‘Gary Varsho’ to the recycle bin?” I do indeed, all-knowing computer. I do indeed.
Low Point: How about the entire 1989 season? I don’t know how a guy earning a Major League paycheck can manage a .220 OBP, but Gary Varsho did it.
Did You Know? Gary Varsho and his 27 career stolen bases have taken their act to Cleveland to serve as the baserunning coach for the Indians.
Maybe I couldn’t stand Jason Bere because he had no shoulders. Maybe it was because he had never shaved the goatee he was required to have during his stint with the White Sox. Or I guess it could have been his 1-10 record in 2002 with the Cubs.
You may recognize him from the mound at Wrigley, or you may recognize him from the “Sci-Fi” section at Blockbuster.
I’m not one to base my opinion of a pitcher on record, but didn’t it seem like the Cubs lost every time Jason Bere had the ball in his hand? Well, quit overreacting. In 2002, they only lost 75% of the time he had the ball in his hand. Bere’s awfulness as a Cub was made worse by the fact that his two best years–during which he compiled a 24-7 record–came in a White Sox uniform. It was further compounded by the fact that he took starts away from Carlos Zambrano. Thanks for the memories, Jason. By the way, do you have any more copies of John Tucker Must Die?
Low Point: August 31, 2002. In Bere’s last start as a Cub, he loses to Andy Freaking Benes after giving up 8 runs (7 earned) in 4 innings at Wrigley, including giving up home runs to Eli Marrero and Andy Freaking Benes, of all people.
Did You Know? Bere was part of the trade that sent Cub killer Richie Sexson to the Brewers. Yeah, his biography is as boring as his appearance.
VENEZUELA–Cubs shortstop Ronnie Cedeno is hacking away in the Venezuelan Winter League, leading the league in several postseason hitting categories. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry is pleased with Cedeno’s play.
Cedeno focuses intently on making contact with two teammates’ fists simultaneously.
“Cedeno is really hitting his stride,” Hendry said. “It’s a good thing he started hitting before we were forced to trade a future Hall of Fame pitcher for a slap-hitting shortstop to fill the void at short,” Hendry continued, rolling his eyes. “It’s also a good thing ‘his stride’ isn’t shaped like a baseball.”
“Yeah, you really want to peak in the Venezuelan Winter League playoffs,” Hendry continued, his voice beginning to rise. “Because that’ll save a lot of people’s jobs if you hit the snot out of the ball down in Venezuela when no one, including me, is watching.”
BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.
Baker’s new business card.
Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.
Was Troy O’Leary seriously a Cub for only one year? Because I could have sworn that I threw at least three seasons’ worth of profanities at my television when O’Leary would come to the plate. When the Cubs signed a former Red Sox outfielder named Troy O’Leary in the winter before the 2003 season, for some reason I was convinced that the Cubs were getting Trot Nixon. Imagine my surprise when O’Leary showed up and put up absolutely anemic numbers with the Cubs.
Troy O’Leary
Not Troy O’Leary
O’Leary fit in perfectly with the flailing-away, “it’s called hitting, not walking, dude,” idiocy that was the 2003 Cubs’ plate approach which got Randall Simon a position in the lineup. He was powerless, speedless, and worthless off the bench. And worst of all, he wasn’t Trot Nixon.
Low Point:
Loyal readers, I’m out of town skiing until Sunday, so Fire Lou Piniella! is taking an (un)deserved break. I will try to post Sunday, but I will at the latest be back on Monday as The Bottom 126 countdown continues. Have a great weekend.
CHICAGO–The Cubs announced Thursday that they have released veteran left-hander Glendon Rusch, who missed the latter part of the 2006 season after suffering a blood clot in his lung.
Cubs general manager Jim Hendry stated that Rusch had peaked with his 1977 album A Farewell to Kings, and that he had “really gone down hill” since that point.
Because they’re here.
“Have you ever actually listened to ‘Tom Sawyer’?” Jim Hendry asked. “Every single thing about that song pisses me off. The lyrics are idiotic. ‘Today’s Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you, and the space he invades he gets by on you.’ What the f@#$ does that even mean? And, no, Rusch, I don’t want to ‘catch the spit.’ That’s disgusting.”
Don’t even get Hendry started on “Fly by Night.” “Oh, you have got to be kidding me bringing that crap in here,” Hendry said. “What’s going on with that garbage? Is it supposed to be an airline commercial? This is why he’ll never get into the Hall of Fame. Hack. Oh, and RuschCon is a f@#$ing ripoff. Good riddance to him.”
I was sent this interesting analysis of the Cubs’s offseason improvements from Beyond the Box Score. It’s written objectively by a Brewers fan who predicts 86 wins for the 2007 Cubs.
I remember growing up having a Weebles playset that was basically a track for the Weebles. You’d set four Weebles at one end, and then start the track, which would shake back and forth, causing the Weebles to spasmodically move down the track. It was a dumb toy, but I enjoyed it. In one of the spring cleanings around the house, my parents got rid of the Weeble race set without asking me. I was devastated enough that they actually ended up buying a new one. Of course, I played with the second one a handful of times and then tossed it aside. My parents, of course, thought they could get rid of the Weeble set again. I, of course, raised hell again when they did. My parents dug through the trash and were able to recover the Weeble set for the third time, God bless ‘em.
Wobbling, yet not falling down. Amazing.
My Weeble set was the Cubs’ Chico Walker. Except the Weebles played a better outfield.
If Chico Walker had been any good, I could certainly understand the Cubs signing him once. Heck, I could even understand them signing him the second time. And, yeah, I might question the third time they signed him, but if he produced, I’d say, “Hey. They know what they’re doing.”
One problem. Chico wasn’t any good. He showed the same kind of power at the plate that you might expect from a guy swinging a paper towel roll. A wet paper towel roll. But he was the Cubs’ white whale in the mid-80’s and early 90’s. They had to have Chico, and so they did. And we watched. And we laughed. And we died a little inside.
Low Point: When even the Cubs realized that they needed to release him as he put up a .115 average with a .200 OBP in the first month of the 1992 season.
Did You Know? Walker holds the record for the most at-bats in a professional game, collecting 14 at-bats for the Pawtucket Red Sox in a game against the Rochester Red Wings in the triple-A International League. The game went 33 innnings, and Pawtucket eventually won 3-2. Hall of Famers Cal Ripken, Jr. and Wade Boggs also played in the game.
Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.