#85: Ismael “Exxon” Valdez

I assume that, when the Cubs acquired Ismael Valdez from the Dodgers in a trade, they thought they were getting the sub-4.00 ERA guy who generally threw around 200 innings and won around 10 games. Perhaps they were forgetting that Dodger Stadium is a more pitcher-friendly park than Wrigley Field, because instead they got these guys:

Ismael Valdezes

Okay, can any of you throw a decent slider?

The Dodgers got away from Valdez just in the nick of time (except for the part when the Cubs broke him and traded him back to the Dodgers). The Cubs, on the other hand, got the catastrophic oil spill version of Valdez. Valdez got shelled in the 12 starts he made as a Cub in the summer of 2000, giving up 17 homeruns and 27 walks in those starts while compiling a 5.37. But, hey! At least the Cubs got E.Y. in the Valdez trade, too! Right? Right, guys?

Furthermore, Valdez got more blisters on his hands while pitching than a 14-year-old Josh Beckett wearing sandpaper gloves in a Wisconsin cheese-and-porn shop.  The guy’s skin could get rubbed off by a stiff wind.  Thanks to Slaky for reminding me of how fragile Valdez’s hands were.

Low Point: When the Cubs score 15 runs against the Montreal Expos, they should win, right? Especially on a day when Damon Buford homers and Henry Rodriguez has 7 RBIs, right? Right? Ismael Valdez says, “NO!” May 14, 2000. Valdez gives up 9 earned runs, 6 walks, and 3 home runs in 3.2 innings against the Expos. Equally nut-crushing was the fact that the Cubs rallied from 2 down in the top of the 9th to take a 2-run lead into the bottom of the 9th. Rick Aguilera came in and promptly gave up 3. Cubs lose 15-16.

Did You Know? Up until the 2004 season, Valdez spelled his last name “Valdes.” You can run from The Bottom 126, Ismael, but you can’t hide.

6 Responses to “#85: Ismael “Exxon” Valdez”


  1. 1 Slaky February 28, 2007 at 11:02 am

    How do you write about THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE without discussing his crab hands or whatever they called it? He had blisters EVERY FUCKING DAY. Caps drives the point home that I hated this piece of shit.

    Before he was a Cub, he was a Dodger and he completely dominated the Cubs every single time he faced them.

    Fuck this guy with a rusty can opener.

  2. 2 Bad Kermit February 28, 2007 at 11:14 am

    I knew I could count on you to take care of it. That guy was a grade-A pansy.

  3. 3 Slaky February 28, 2007 at 11:55 am

    Hey look! Arne got a shot of Ish soaking his worthless butthole-fingering digits in some solution that’s supposed to toughen up his skin.

  4. 4 Slaky February 28, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Also, since I wasn’t posting here when you entered Jason Bere into Cubs’ lore…fuck him and his FOSH. Loser.

  5. 5 Mike D. February 28, 2007 at 7:44 pm

    What Slaky said.

    When I hear Ismael Valdez, my first thoughts are–seriously–“hands as soft as porcelan”.

    I also happened to be at a game where he drove in the sole run in a 1-0 victory against Montreal. Because he was later stricken, after his RBI, with another debilitating case of blister outbreak and left before 5 innings, it was determined that he was the only starting pitcher–at least as far back as 1990–to have driven in the sole run in a game without sticking around for the “W”.

    Because he had candy hands.

    So there’s that. F@#$ing Ismael Valdez.

  6. 6 Bad Kermit March 2, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    I fixed it for you, Slak.


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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

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60. Cesar Izturis

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78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

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82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

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88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

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107. Damon Buford

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111. Rick Aguilera

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