It’s the last day of February, and you know what that means. No more celebrating black history! Starting tomorrow, I can be as mean to Jacque Jones as I want to be! It’s going to be great! I know you panty-wearers are dying for a diary update, so I won’t keep you.
Hey, Jim, thanks for the cool shortstop action figure, but who is seriously going to play short this year?
It’s admirable that Bruce Miles is still flying the “Dempster is the closer not Wood” flag. Wood is ready to go, and I can’t imagine I’d leave Dempster in there for long if he sucks as bad as he did last year. I give it another week until even Miles gives up and realizes that Dempster is about as good at closing as Jason Marquis is at starting. Holy crap, both of those guys are on our roster, aren’t they? Muskrat screwed up another one of my interviews, suggesting that I’m “happy with Dempster.” What I said was, “I’m happy with Dempster bloated and floating face down in a hot tub.” Simple mistake.
Soriano had better hit 40 homers and swipe 40 bases. If that roided up freak show Canseco can do it, Soriano can. By the way, Canseco, how did that 1990 World Series work out for you? Hmm? How was it? Did you and your “butt bash brother” have a nice time? Hmm? Heavily favored going into that Series, weren’t you? What’s that? I couldn’t hear you? “Yes, Coach Piniella, we were heavily favored”? Is that what you said? Who won that Series, anyhow? The Reds? Really? It must have gone seven games, since you were so heavily favored, right? No? Really? Only four games? Wow.
Well, that’s all for me today, kids. You may have noticed less swearing in this installment of my diary. My wife made me give up swearing for Lent. Wait. I don’t think that means I can’t write swears. Cock balls shit. Awesome. See you soon, sluts.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.
Howry will be the closer. My friend’s Xbox 360 can predict the future. It also said the Cubs are going to suck this year and next. So I smashed it with my foot. Now it’s not working right and my friend’s pretty pissed. My foot however, is glowing green. While I was sleeping it crept up my girlfriend’s leg and gave her an orgasm, waking me and my dog who was under the covers between her legs watching the whole thing from like an inch away.
It was bloody wicked.
Howry as closer = LaFuckstick as closer.
Bad idea.
Can we talk about video games over here?
“Howry as closer = LaFuckstick as closer.
Bad idea.”
Racist.
I have only one racial bias. I dislike Mongolians. But it’s a mild dislike.
Mongolians only pawn in game of life.
They’re called Mongols, Slaky.
Build a fuckin’ wall, you bigot.
Clearly, we’re talking about different people.