Cubs Trade Gloves for Bats, Drop Astonishing Number of Fly Balls

MESA, Ariz.–The Chicago Cubs made a trade this offseason, sending all of their gloves away for bats. The move has proven difficult, particularly for the outfielders.

Can I stand here like a statue? I’m better when I stand here like a statue.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: February 23, 2007

Okay, whores and boars. It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Strip club night! And also, you get your Friday roundup courtesy of yours truly. Without further doo-doo, here we go:

• The Muskrat points out that I have no choice but to put Hill in the rotation. The guy is on my kid’s fantasy team. Yeah, he took him right after Shawn Estes. There’s gotta be at least 80 teams in my kid’s league. I also made a note on my calendar to forget about what happened to the Cubs in the 2006 season. In hindsight, it seems kind of stupid to write a note about something I’m supposed to forget. It’s almost like it makes me remember…
• Pitcher Watch: Prior is still not dead, Wood is still not wet, and Marquis is still not good (although Cotts sort of is).
• This Gordon Wittenmyer has to be stopped. Now he’s fantasizing about my players sitting in the clubhouse in their underwear. The other day, he used a doughnut to try to lure Eyre into the back of one of those white vans. Pervert. Oh, and his article was about Zambrano hitting the shit out of the ball. Do you realize that at the rate he was hitting home runs last year, Z projected to hit 45 over the course of an entire season? Holy balls.
• This Izturis kid sure is humble. Maybe he’s never caught a glimpse of the size of his ears. He said, “I know who the real Cesar Izturis is. Cesar Izturis is a player that played with the Dodgers, a Gold Glove winner, an All-Star. That’s who Cesar Izturis is. This year, I will stay healthy and they will see that.” Izturis’s story is really inspirational. It’s the story of a young boy who pulled himself up off the streets of Venezuela where, apparently, he was good at baseball, and traveled all the way to America, where he successfully rode the bench for my team. Seriously, until you stop hitting like a pansy, by all means continue sucking your own dick, Dumbo.

That’s all for this Friday. Apparently, these idiot writers are already burnt out from covering the “Ooooooo, Piniella is so much feistier than Dusty” angle. Because that angle was so very clever and original. Hacks.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#90: Chad Hermansen “Munster”

Was there ever a bigger waste of time than Chad Hermansen packing up his possessions in Pittsburgh to leave for Chicago? Ever? Wait, I know. It was probably a bigger waste of time for Hermansen to bother bringing his bat.

Chad Hermansen: Coming soon to a convenience store near you.

Going into July 31, 2002, baseball’s non-waiver trade deadline, the Cubs were 44-60, 15.5 games out of first in the NL Central. Their blockbuster deal? They sent Darren Lewis to Pittsburgh for Chad Hermansen. What. Was. The. Point? Even Darren Lewis was a better option as a fourth fifth sixth outfielder that year. Christ, even Darren BAKER was a better option. Oh, and Lewis decided that the misery of playing for both Chicago and Pittsburgh in one season was too much to take, so he promptly retired.

At the end of the miserable 2002 season, Hermansen was shipped off with Todd Hundley to Los Angeles for Mark Grudzielanek and Eric Karros, who helped spark the Cubs to one of the most crushingly devasting collapses in Major League playoff history. Thanks a lot, Chad. You dick.

Low Point: In the 2 months Hermansen was a Cub, he collected only 1 home run and 3 RBIs. For comparison, in 2001, Sammy Sosa had 3-6 RBIs in a game 21 times. That means 21 times in 2001, Sosa matched or bested Hermansen’s two-month RBI total in ONE GAME.

Did You Know? From Wikipedia:

Signed by the Campeche Pirates of the Mexican League in 2005, Hermansen was released after batting only .182 in eleven games. He next signed with the Elmira Pioneers, but played in no games before being signed by the San Diego Padres organization. The Padres immediately released Hermansen, however, citing arm problems as their concern. In 2006, Hermansen played for the Sioux Falls Canaries of the newly formed American Association.

Next stop? The 2007 California Penal League.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: February 22, 2007

You’re gonna have to bear with me this morning. Me and Trammell got LIT last night. It was hilarious. FYI, Trammell gets a tad queer when he’s drunk. I’m just saying, don’t room with him.

I’m just saying.

Hendry asked me the other day if I needed anything else here. I think he meant for the team, but I said, “A cup of coffee and a blow job.” Anyhow, just then, Cedeno comes running over, and Wood yells out, “Don’t forget the coffee!” That kid’s all right. Seriously, though, I like the look of the team, and I think we can put together a damn good team with the ingredients we already have. I’ll tell you one thing, though, Cedeno can NOT make a good cup of coffee.

What is with this snarky bullshit the Sun-Times is pulling? They’re putting the Tribune “on trial” for “crimes against the Cubs”?! This is like one nerd beating the hell out of another nerd to get accepted by the cool kids. Hey, nerds. We hate both of you, and we don’t care about your queer nerd fights.

I wanted to give some of you bluebloods some flashbacks to Dusty, so I said I like veterans. Now I just sit back and watch the blogosphere EXPLODE. Bet you didn’t know I knew the word “blogosphere,” did you? What do you think I am? Stupid?

Christ, the media sucks so bad that they even manage to turn a story about me into a Yankees story. Hey, arrogant New York assholes? I never wanted your job. Jesus, that job is killing Torre. And it’s hard to kill a guy whose face is a leather boot. Trust me.

That Vorva guy makes it seem like Soriano and I are B.F.F. Maybe Vorva should stick to the “A-Rod and Jeter have slumber parties” story. It’s not like I braided Soriano’s hair or dipped his hand in warm water. We just spooned a little.

The Tribune tried to make me look stupid, just because I’d never heard of this stupid Billy Goat nonsense, and I couldn’t remember that Fart kid’s name. The one who interfered with the ball. That’s because I was too busy humping the Tribune’s mom in 2003.

The rookies threw to the hitters yesterday. Good Lord, that shit is boring. I would have fallen asleep standing up if Rothschild didn’t have such raunchy gas. The guy seriously stripped the paint off one of the batting practice helmets. I thought I was going to die. I’ll tell you what, though, unlike that idiot Baker, I actually want these guys to throw the ball over the plate. That should be a nice little change, right?

Assuming that I’m a hothead makes an ass out of you and me. Muskrat cuts out the middlemen and just makes an ass of herself.

Well, I gotta get out of here before Rothschild’s fricking ass melts my laptop screen. Talk to you kiddies when there’s something worth talking about.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#91: Luis Ernesto Garcia Salazar del Base Tercero

A wise man once said to me, “I bet you could fill up your entire list with just third basemen.” Or something like that. I think I was drunk when I read it. But he had a point. There have been some not good players over at the hot corner since Ron Santo left, and Luis Salazar is one of them.

Salazar charges toward his destiny. His destiny is to suck.

In late 1989, the Cubs acquired Salazar to replace the eighty third basemen they already had on the roster who also all sucked. Salazar actually performed well and helped spark the Cubs as they went on to win the NL East. Sounds like Gary Gaetti, doesn’t it? Now, imagine that Gaetti kept coming back. Because that’s what Salazar did the next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. And he got worse, and worse, and worse.

By the end, Salazar had to be replaced with Steve Buechele. If you’re ever replaced with Steve Buechele at anything you are currently doing, you know it’s time to retire, and that’s what Salazar did.

Low Point: Pay attention. He was replaced by Steve Buechele. Other than that, let’s look toward the end of Salazar’s career. September 26, 1992. The Cubs are mired in a five-game losing streak, they’re 17 games back, and they’re disinterestedly playing out the stretch. Salazar was even less interested than that. While the Cubs collect only 4 hits and get shut out by the Expos, Salazar goes 0-4 with 3 strikeouts and commits a throwing error in the field which leads to a gift Expo run.  Cubs lose 12-0.

Did You Know? Salazar is currently the hitting coach for the Jacksonville Suns, a AA Dodgers team. He taught them everything he knows, and then he took 364 days off.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: February 21, 2007

Let’s just get this out of the way.

Yes, that’s me and Soriano. Yes, I’m fucking sexy. Yes, I stole the barrel I’m sitting on from one of those annoying fucking kids who hit them with drum sticks on the El. Yes, I’m going to kick Albert Chen in the penis for not picking us to win the World Series. Any other questions? Too bad. Q & A is over, you little bastards.

Ramirez finally decided to show up for camp. How nice of him to show up “on time.” And by “on time,” I mean “late.” What these cocksuckers in camp don’t understand is that they are now on “Piniella Time.” And Piniella Time means that whenever I have to wake up before noon to coach baseball, you’d better bet your sweet ass that there will be 25 or more guys there ready to be coached, or the Neifi is gonna hit the fan.

On a serious note, there’s a link to the right to donate to the 1st Touch Foundation, started by Derrek Lee in his search to find a cure for his daughter’s ailment. It’s a great cause, and Lee is a great man and player.

Check out what I said yesterday.

One of the things I did tell this team is that I’ve been fortunate to have some very talented teams in my career as a manager, and there’s as much talent in this clubhouse as any team I’ve ever managed. And I meant it.

News flash: I didn’t mean it. Shit, I won 116 games in Seattle. In one year. This team will be lucky to win that many by the time my contract is up, and that’s assuming we get off to a quick start. Also, Paul Sullivan, thanks for the headline, “Piniella Stresses Fun, Achievement.” Not only does that headline suck, but it is also so flambuoyantly gay that it glows in the dark.

Speaking of which, I have to go watch Prior’s next throwing session. Holy shit we’re a week into camp and the guy ain’t hurt yet. You kids knock on wood, and I’m going to go knock on Wood. Ha!

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#92: Mike “Old Mother” Hubbard

Are you feeling bad about your job today? Want to make it worse? Chew on this. Mike Hubbard made more than six figures for six years in the big leagues. That’s right. Mike Hubbard made probably over $1M by sucking at his job for six years.

I swear that’s Mike Hubbard. And I swear the card is signed.

To give you an idea of how awful Hubbard was, if you project his career stats to a 162-game season, he would average 6 walks against 94 strikeouts. In his second season with the Cubs, Hubbard put up a .105 average, which actually made his OBP jealous (.103).

Was Hubbard even bringing a bat to the plate? Folks, if you’re reading this, and you ever find yourself in the Major Leagues, and your batting average is ever flirting with double digits, please, for my sake, just go ahead and try to hit with your wang. Trust me, you’d rather be remembered as “the guy who tried to hit with his wang,” than “the guy who batted .105.”

Low Point: July 7, 1996. Hubbard’s line at the end of that game? .040 BA, .038 OBP, .040 SLG, .078 OPS.

Did You Know? Hubbard was part of a battery with Amaury Telemaco when one of the 665 triple plays in Major League history was recorded on May 10, 1997 against the Giants.

Eyre Accepts New Role as “Team Fat Guy”

MESA, Ariz.–Nearly lost in all of the commotion of Spring Training was an internal promotion. Due to the departure of Glendon Rusch recently following his health problems during the season, Cubs’ left-handed reliever Scott Eyre was promoted Tuesday to the role of DUFLOOGY (“Designated Ugly Fat Lefty One Out GuY”).

Ladies, beware. Also, ham sandwiches, beware.

Eyre accepted the honor graciously. “It’s great for me to know my role,” Eyre said, munching noisily on a cheese wheel. “When we go out with guys, I know before the night even starts that I’m going to be the one going home with the fatty. Unless, of course, the Diamondbacks are in town,” Eyre continued, as a nearby baseball began orbiting his midsection. “Now that Lou [Piniella] is here, he’s letting us know our Rolos- sorry, roles, which makes it a lot easier to be prepared,” Eyre finished, lookingly hungrily at Mark Prior’s calves.

Eyre is expected to formally accept his new role during Wednesday’s Spring Training drills by getting winded walking up the dugout steps to receive a chocolate medal wrapped in gold foil. As DUFLOOGY, Eyre will also be expected to do the Truffle Shuffle before he is let into the clubhouse each morning.

Arbitration Breathes Sigh of Relief as Zambrano, Cubs Reach 1-Year Deal

The Cubs and Carlos Zambrano agreed to a one-year, $12.4M contract Tuesday. Arbitration lives to fight another day.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: February 20, 2007

I’m back. Ohman won the milk-chugging contest. It was fricking gross. He should have told someone he’s lactose-intolerant. I tell everyone I meet that I’m jackass-intolerant. This means you, Hendry. Anyhow, so much crap keeps happening, that I feel the need to keep you idiots informed. That way, when someone says, “Did you hear that so-and-so did such-and-such?” you won’t have to say, “No, I didn’t hear that, because I had my this-and-that shoved up my Now and Later.”

Guess where my right hand is.

• Did this town have such inept managers that everyone is shocked that the second baseman might not be hitting second in the lineup? I might put a right fielder in there. I might put a left fielder in there. I might put a catcher in there. I might put myself in there if these idiots can’t get the job done. It’s a new era, bitches.
• Wood is likely ditching the curveball, since he won’t need it as much as a reliever. He’s going to stick mostly with a fastball-slider combo, with the occasional changeup in there. I tried to convince Wood to ditch Marquis and Dempster, too. He just laughed. I like what I’m seeing out of that kid. Oh, and from that first article, Dempster said they can play Sinatra on the mound, for all he cares. Maybe the ball should request “Fly Me to the Moon.”
• Speaking of Dempster, I beat the holy hell out of Dibble, and I can certainly beat the tar out of that redheaded stepchild.
• I still need to find a long reliever, and Cotts may fill that role. I’ll tell you who isn’t long. Prior. Hung like a Tic-Tac. I’m just saying.
• Santo is still the little engine that could. If the Veterans Committee of the Hall of Fame doesn’t let him in this year, I will personally fly to each one of their homes and beat them senseless. Even if they voted for Santo.

Well, back to work. The Tribune asked me to make the boys run some more wind sprints so they can take ridiculous pictures like this one.

-Sweet Uncle Lou