The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126″ tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

Uncle Time.

1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.

Ryno to Manage, Cindy to Sleep with, Peoria Chiefs

CHICAGO–The Chicago Cubs named Hall of Fame second baseman Ryne Sandberg the new manager of the Cubs’ Class A Peoria Chiefs. Upon hearing the news, Sandberg’s ex-wife Cindy White traveled to Peoria and rented an upscale condominium with a rotating bed and mirrors on the ceilings.

Sandberg at his Hall of Fame induction.

Sandberg takes over for former Cub catcher Jody Davis, who led the Chiefs to a 75-64 record last year, and who takes over the Class A Daytona Cubs in 2007. White takes over for Madame Lilly at the Maison LeCub, the most popular brothel in Peoria.

Cindy White (maybe).

“This year, I want to top the 75-win season the Chiefs had last year,” Sandberg said.

“This year, I want to top off at least 75 Chiefs,” White quipped, unbuttoning her blouse. “How many guys are on the team?” she asked, applying pink lip gloss.

There is some speculation that the hiring of Sandberg is the first step on his path to becoming a major league manager. There is also some speculation that this is White’s first step on her path to become the next Paris Hilton.

Cubs Hire Gerry Perry; Julia Guglia Not Amused

CHICAGO–The Cubs hired Gerry Perry to serve as hitting coach during the 2007 campaign, completing new manager Lou Piniella’s coaching staff.

The Cubs interviewed several candidates for the position, including Mary Mary Quite Contrary, Frank the Tank, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Busta Rhymes.

Local Cubs fan Robbie Hart was asked what he thought of the acquisition. “Gerry Perry! That’s funny!” Hart said. When asked why it was funny, Hart replied, “I don’t know.”

Robbie Hart: Amused.

Asked about the hiring of Lou Piniella, Hart did not wish to comment. He replied, “Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?” Hart then asked that someone kill him, please.

DeJesus Gives Faith to Cubs Fans, Hangs out with Lepers

CHICAGO–Former Cubs shortstop Ivan DeJesus was named special assistant to Cubs manager Lou Piniella on Monday.  As special assistant, DeJesus’s responsibilities will be as follows:

1. Turn the dugout water drinking fountain into a wine drinking fountain.
2. Sit in the bullpen with Michael Wuertz, since no one else will get anywhere near him.
3. Walking across and calming Lou Piniella.
4. Casting out John Mabry.
5. Laying his hands on Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.
6. Making Jim Hendry’s ten dozen doughnuts he eats each morning enough to feed the entire team and Hendry.
7. Flipping over the desk of John McDonough.

Cubs Name 3 More Coaches, Dispelling Rumors That They Are “Bunch of No-Names”

CHICAGO–Lou Piniella added three more coaches to his staff Friday, naming Mike Quade as third base coach, Matt Sinatro as first base coach, and Lester Strode as bullpen coach.

“FLP!” hit the streets to gauge the reaction of Cubs fans to the announcement, with apologies to The Onion.

Ann Helter, Town Crier

“If we keep spending money on coaches all willy-nilly like this, how are we going to get Neifi to come back?”

Bill Murray, Alleged Celebrity Fan

“Lester Strode? He is a madman! When he stole that cow, and his friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with that cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.”

Ted Kopski, Computer Analyst
“So, they got the guy from Total Recall, a singer, and the slang term for the space between your nuts and your @$$hole to coach this team? That is so Cub.”