“Fire Lou Piniella!” got an exclusive look at the transcript of Jim Hendry’s interview of Lou Piniella. Enjoy.
HENDRY: Thanks for coming in, Lou.
PINIELLA: Thanks for having me, Jim. Well, now that we’re done with the pleasantries, where is the f@#$ing waitress?
HENDRY: No kidding. I’m starving.
PINIELLA: While we’re waiting, let’s talk about this sh#$ty-ass baseball club of yours. What kind of @$$holes do you have playing for this team, anyhow?
HENDRY: Well, we have some pitchers and some fielders, and-
PINIELLA: That’s not what I meant, you disgusting slob.
HENDRY: What did you mean?
PINIELLA: What sort of men are they? Are they the type who would take a bullet for their leader? Are they the type who doesn’t mind getting screamed at in front of their wives and children? Would they squeal if they took a merciless beating in the clubhouse?
HENDRY: I guess? I don’t know. I don’t really follow baseball.
PINIELLA: What are you, queer?
HENDRY: No, I’m just hungry.
PINIELLA: Are these bastards ready to play baseball for me?
HENDRY: I’m not sure.
PINIELLA: I like my soup hot, my stool loose, my ballplayers tough, and my prostate small, God damnit!
HENDRY: I’m sure I can accommodate some of those things.
PINIELLA: I don’t like you.
HENDRY: Fair enough. Let’s talk strategy. What sorts of things would you do differently to make the team better next year?
PINIELLA: Connie Mack always used to tell me, “If you don’t have balls, you can’t play baseball.” So, I’d make sure this team had some stones, Jim. Stones!
HENDRY: Steve Stone?
PINIELLA: No, you fatass.
HENDRY: Then, what do you mean by that?
PINIELLA: Like that Furcal fella that you didn’t get over here. That boy’s got some brass ones. Beating his wife and drinking and driving like that. That’s a man’s man!
HENDRY: I see.
PINIELLA: And I don’t want this c@#$suckers telling me about statistics and discipline and all that bullsh@#. No one ever won a championship building a team like that.
HENDRY: No one that I’ve ever heard of, at least.
PINIELLA: You win championships by swinging out your ass at every pitch. You don’t need to move runners into scoring position when you can just swing wildly at balls anywhere near the strike zone. You hear me, Jim?
HENDRY: Where is that waitress?
PINIELLA: I ain’t gonna have my players wasting everyone’s time drawing walks and laying down bunts. That sh@# is for ninnies. You know what rhymes with “bunts,” don’t you?
HENDRY: Ah, here comes the waitress now.
PINIELLA: This interview is over. I start on Monday. You leave me a blank f@#$ing check every week on my desk, and I’ll fill in what I need.
HENDRY: I’ll have what’s on page three, followed by what’s on page five.