CHICAGO–One day after new Cubs manager Lou Piniella announced that pitching coach Larry Rothschild would return for the 2007 season, Cub pitcher Mark Prior’s right arm requested its unconditional release from the club.
“It’s unexpected,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “We thought Prior’s right arm would be here for years to come, but we’re going to honor its request, and also to send it off with a ten million dollar bonus,” Hendry added.
“Fire Lou Piniella!” caught up with Kerry Wood’s right arm, known to be a close friend of Prior’s right arm because of all of their time together on the disabled list. “It’s going to be rough next year without him out there,” Wood’s right arm said. “I’ve gotten used to having someone right beside me, snapping towels, hanging out in the hot tub, sitting on the bench, getting wrapped in warm towels, getting massages, writing our names on big paychecks, those sorts of things,” Wood’s arm continued. “It will be sad not having Prior’s right arm there next year.”
Hendry plans on filling the void which will be left by Prior’s right arm quickly, as he already has plans on assembling his own new starting pitcher made up of Clint Malarchuk’s jugular, Tim Krumrie’s left leg, Joe Theismann’s right leg, Dave Dravecky’s left arm, Steve Young’s head, Bryce Florie’s face, Michael Barrett’s testicles, Tony Conigliaro’s eye, and Ray Chapman’s soul.
“I shall call you ‘Injore,’ and you shall be the greatest- Hey, is that Sid Vicious’s leg?”