Archive for November, 2006

Pujols Rips Howard New Poo Hole; No, Not Opie

ST. LOUIS–Despite Ryan Howard’s superior numbers, more pleasant demeanor, less pharmaceutically enhanced physique, and Howard’s Phillies’ better regular season record in a far more difficult NL East, Albert Pujols was up to his whining ways on Wednesday, crying about how the NL MVP should have gone to a player on a team that made the playoffs. Sources close to Pujols could not confirm who he would have chosen as the MVP, as Pujols was too busy attempting to fellate himself to answer that question.

For the third consecutive year, Pujols is making a strong case for himself to finally supplant nine-time winner Barry Bonds for the biggest asshole in Major League Baseball.

Howard’s 2006 numbers were nearly as good or better than Pujols’ in virtually every category, and Howard led the Philadelphia Phillies to two more wins than Pujols’ Cardinal team. The Phillies play in the NL East, considered to be the toughest division in the National League in 2006. The Cardinals play in the NL Central, considered to be the easiest division in the National League in this century.

Don’t try telling Pujols about statistics or team achievements, though. “The MVP should come from a playoff team,” Pujols said in broken English, kicking a three-legged puppy out of his way as he did so. “Pujols deserves the MVP. If it weren’t for Pujols, Pujols’ crappy team wouldn’t have won the World Series,” Pujols continued while exchanging high-fives and needles with Albert Belle, Gary Sheffield, Michael Irvin, Barry Bonds, O.J. Simpson, and an autographed picture of Adolph Hitler.

“FLP!” is still trying to confirm that Pujols has ever, in fact, played in the World Series. So far, investigators have found only two World Series RBIs allegedly credited to Pujols’ name.

Hendry Interested in Taking Giants’ Schmidt

CHICAGO–Chicago Cubs’ G.M. Jim Hendry has offered San Francisco Giants righthander Jason Schmidt a three-year, $44M contract, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

“We haven’t had Schmidt on our roster for a long time,” Hendry said.  “I can’t help but wonder what might have happened in 2003 if we had had just a little piece of Schmidt during the playoffs,” Hendry wondered.

Now, Hendry is looking to lock up a huge piece of Schmidt for the next three years.

“We’ve seen some outstanding Schmidts throughout the history of this game,” Hendry continued.  “There are some Schmidts who are bigger than the game itself, like Mike Schmidt, and I think Jason is just that kind of Schmidtty player we need to get us out of the toilet,” Hendry mused.

Hendry Expected to Make Big Splash at Winter Meetings in Pitching Market, Pool

CHICAGO–Having signed free agents Aramis Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano, and Mark DeRosa, yet having not yet addressed the Chicago Cubs’ non-existent pitching rotation, Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry is expected to make a big splash on the pitching market, whether via free agency or a trade, at the winter meetings in Orlando, Florida.

Hendry is also expected to make a big splash at the three acre grotto pool of the Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin Resort as he tries to defend his three-time crown of “Biggest Splasher” in the G.M.s’ annual Mark Prior (Belly) Flop Competition.

Video footage of the 2004 competition.

“I’m expecting to be aggressive at these meetings, and really make a big splash,” Hendry said, unclear as to whether he was referring to his quest for pitching or for the “Biggest Splasher” trophy. “I’m going to jump in there headfirst. I can’t afford to just sit around and take my time getting my feet wet,” Hendry continued, clarifying nothing.

Whatever Hendry’s comments mean, it is clear that all eyes will be focused on him at the winter meetings. The only question is whether those eyes will be excited by his opulent spending or repulsed by his pasty corpulence.

Colangelo Interested in Purchasing Cubs, Stock in White Star Line

CHICAGO–Former Arizona Diamondbacks owner Jerry Colangelo is allegedly interested in purchasing the Cubs, if the Tribune Company decides to sell the team. Colangelo, also the chairman of the Phoenix Suns, is thought to be interested in purchasing shares in the White Star Line shipping company.

I’m the king of the world.  Or something.

I’m the king of the world! Or something.

Colangelo is originally from Chicago Heights, and has expressed strong interest in purchasing the team of which he was a fan as a boy, saying that such a possibility is “quite exciting.”

Also exciting to Colangelo was the scene in the 1997 Academy Award-winning film Titanic when Jennifer Garner’s dad from Alias says, in response to the comment that the ship cannot sink, “She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. It is a mathematical certainty.”

“You see, everyone is so sure that the Titanic is unsinkable,” Colangelo, who has had the movie rented out from Netflix for the past 6 months, said. “And then it sinks in the absolute most disastrous way possible. The coach- I mean, captain is so smug, yet he doesn’t know what the heck he’s doing so he leads the team- er, crew– to a total meltdown,” Colangelo continued. “I forget when this movie came out, but I think it was around 2003,” Colangelo surmised, humming The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

“FLP!” tried to ask Colangelo about the Chicago Cubs’ well-known history of losing, but Colangelo had to cut the interview short, mentioning that he was late for his zeppelin flight to Three Mile Island.

Morneau Beats Out, Holds Off Jeter for AL MVP; ESPN Combines Two, Beats Off Jeter

NEW YORK–The Minnesota Twins’ Justin Morneau narrowly edged out New York Yankee Derek Jeter to be the first player mentioned in an ESPN article about how Morneau won the American League MVP award. Morneau was mentioned two words into the article, with Jeter being mentioned three words later.

“It was a surprise for me,” Morneau said. “I knew that I had received the MVP award already, which was great, but I expected the ESPN headline to be something like, ‘Jeter Congratulates AL MVP Winner.’ To have my name mentioned in the headline and the first sentence of the article was really great,” Morneau said.

“I don’t know what happened,” Jeter said, pausing his TiVo in the middle of a “Top Ten Greatest Jeter Second-Place Finishes” segment being aired on ESPN. “ESPN normally runs its articles by me before they publish them, and they didn’t this time,” Jeter continued, as an ESPN intern gently massaged his genitals.

Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz, who came in third in the AL MVP voting, did not even come close to overtaking Jeter or Morneau in the ESPN article, as Ortiz was not mentioned until the sixth paragraph. Ortiz’s snub was thought to be related to the fact that he did not come up big when his name was mentioned in previously-published important ESPN articles.

It’s Official: Soriano a Cub; “FLP!” Pissed About Frequency of Use of “Good Stuff About the Cubs” Tag

Details of the deal can be found here.

Career ending injury expected to happen here.

Cubs Tentatively Get Octogenarian Soriano

CHICAGO–Well, no one can complain that the Cubs never sign the big free agents. Jim Hendry has reportedly signed Alfonso Soriano to the fifth-highest contract in Major League Baseball history ($135 million for 8 years), right behind Alex Rodriguez ($252 million for 10 years), Derek Jeter ($189 million for 10 years), Manny Ramirez ($160 million for eight years) and Todd Helton ($141.5 million for 11 years).

Put that back.  We can’t afford any more of those.

Put that back. We can’t afford any more of those.

Soriano is listed as being 31 years old entering the 2007 season. After converting that number from Dominican Republic years, that puts him at 82 years old, making him 19 years older than manager Lou Piniella.

Provided that his hips can hold out, Soriano is expected to play center field and lead off for the Cubs, as Juan Pierre is expected to be on his way out.

The Cubs are expected to announce the signing later today, with Cubs president John McDonough fitting Soriano for a Cub-themed adult diaper.


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Ozzie Guillen, mang.

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Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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