CHICAGO–Former Cubs shortstop Ivan DeJesus was named special assistant to Cubs manager Lou Piniella on Monday. As special assistant, DeJesus’s responsibilities will be as follows:
- Turn the dugout water drinking fountain into a wine drinking fountain.
- Sit in the bullpen with Michael Wuertz, since no one else will get anywhere near him.
- Walking across and calming Lou Piniella.
- Casting out John Mabry.
- Laying his hands on Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.
- Making Jim Hendry’s ten dozen doughnuts he eats each morning enough to feed the entire team and Hendry.
- Flipping over the desk of John McDonough.