Archive for December, 2006

Zambrano’s Worth

After the Barry Zito signing, many Cubs fans are up in arms about whether the Cubs will be able to retain the soon-to-be-very-expensive Carlos Zambrano. Zito is durable, but if he is $18-million-per-year good, expect Carlos Zambrano to get- well- more than that. Substantially more.

LUKE: The reward would be-

HAN: What?

LUKE: Well, more wealth that you can imagine.

HAN: I don’t know. I can imagine quite a bit.

Carlos imagines no possessions.
Zambrano imagines quite a bit.

There’s no really interesting news around baseball, so Fire Lou Piniella! would like to wish you a happy and safe New Year’s Eve/Day.


Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

SAN FRANCISCO–While the other Barry in San Francisco is having a rough go of it, Barry Zito is having a most excellent day.

The San Francisco Giants and Zito have reached a preliminary agreement on a bodacious, seven-year, $126 million contract.
Bill and Barry

Eighteen million dollars a year?! Excellent! I’m a flyball pitcher with an outfield with the average age of 62?! Bogus!

Zito had his own number in mind when negotiating his salary, which he asked one Fire Lou Piniella! reporter to guess. When the reporter correctly guessed “69,” Zito said, “Whoa,” and then strummed the air.

When asked about his new contract, Zito said, “The dudes in my band, the Wyld Stallyns, will be most excited about this gnarly fortune. Perhaps we can finally get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.” Zito then hugged his best friend Bill S. Preston, esq., after which both simultaneously called one another “Fag.” Ozzie Guillen could not be reached for comment.

Barroid’s Uppance is Coming

SAN FRANCISCO–The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that “federal investigators probing steroids in sports can now use the names and urine samples of about 100 Major League Baseball players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs,” according to

The ruling could spell disaster for Barry Bonds, who is already under investigation for perjury for telling a federal grand jury that he never knowingly took performance-enhancing drugs. The long and short of it is that Bonds haters should rejoice.

Ha Ha, Barroid!

Dante Bichette Lobbying Hall of Fame Voters; Seriously

DENVER–Imagine a world where Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken, and Dante Bichette are in the same Hall of Fame class. Can’t imagine it? Okay. Pull back a little bit and imagine a world where Dante Bichette is in the Hall of Fame. Still tough? Pull back a little bit more and imagine Dante Bichette getting a single vote for enshrinement in baseball’s Hall of Fame. Still nothing? How about imagining Dante Bichette being allowed to visit the Hall of Fame. Getting closer? No? Okay, imagine a world where you will ever mention Dante Bichette’s name again without referencing this article. There we go.

Dante Bichette

“Yo, Castilla, did you just fart?”

Dante Bichette thinks he deserves to be in Cooperstown. (wait for laughter to die down before suggesting campaign slogan “Bichette. The Best a Man Can Get”) That’s right. Dante Bichette. A guy whose best numbers outside of his Coors-inflated totals were 23 homers and 90 RBI with Cincinnati and Boston in 2000. A guy who could have his own blooper reel filled with his wacky misadventures in the outfield.

If Bichette’s former teammate Larry Walker is considered a borderline Hall of Famer, then Bichette isn’t even close. Walker did everything better than Bichette, and if his Coors-inflated numbers aren’t good enough for the Hall, Bichette’s aren’t even good enough for my hall. The one right outside of my bathroom. After I ate eggs and drank Old Style all day.

By the way, keep your fingers crossed for Andre Dawson. The dude deserves to be in the Hall, and turds like Joe Morgan are keeping him out.

EDIT: I just noticed that Bichette sort of looks like Bertier from Remember the Titans. Yes?


Cubs 2006 Highlights: The Year in Review

Drifting along on the tumbling tumbleweed.

Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

Father Time

Uncle Time.

  1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
  2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
  3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
  4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
  5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
  6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
  7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
  8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
  9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
  10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.

Happy Holidays from Lou!

Merry Christmas, C@#$suckers.

Merry Christmas, c@#$suckers.

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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