Moments After Signing Daryle Ward, Cubs Disappointed to Discover He is Not Superhuman Android Boy

ORLANDO–The Chicago Cubs signed former Washington National and Atlanta Brave Daryle Ward to a one-year contract on Thursday. Sources close to the Cubs said that, immediately after the signing and upon getting his first look at Ward, Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry was disappointed to learn that Ward was not actually a Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform.

“I thought he was going to hit the ball really well, since he can calculate equations and trajectories far more quickly than our inferior organic brains can,” Hendry said. “Once I got a look at him, I realized that all he’s going to be using his brain to calculate is the tip at Ponderosa.”

When one reported pointed out that the “e” at the end of Ward’s name should have tipped him off, Hendry said, “I thought he was, like, the new version. I mean, the first kid was built over 20 years ago. I thought the government had come up with an adult version. Maybe the ‘e’ stood for ‘evolved,’ or something.”

“It would have been cool,” Hendry continued. “None of the guys in the clubhouse would have known he was an android, and they would have gotten all attached to him, and he would have started experiencing human feelings, and then the government would come after him and try to shut him down. Instead, I’m stuck with the fat version of Jamie Foxx.”

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