LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla.–It has been three days since Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry was released from an Orlando hospital following an emergency angioplasty, and the bed in which Hendry stayed is recovering well.
Hendry’s hospital bed.
“When they wheeled that guy in on the stretcher, I saw my life flash before my eyes,” the bed said. “That guy is big. It took twelve EMTs to get him off the stretcher and onto me.”
Hendry was admitted to the hospital with “flu-like symptoms.”
“If ‘flu-like symptoms’ means ‘leaving skid marks all over your sheets,’ then, yeah, he had flu-like symptoms,” the bed said, shuddering. “And I’m not trying to get the guy in trouble or anything, but he reeked of Jack Daniels. The drink and the T.G.I.Friday’s sauce.”
The bed was pinned under Hendry for nearly 48 hours after Hendry was admitted. “It was 36 hours, 48 minutes, (or 268 rancid-smelling farts) to be exact,” the bed corrected. “I started counting the second they put him down. Plus, it was another 16 hours or so before my mattress regained its original form.”
The bed was able to survive due to the frequent bathroom breaks that Hendry took after “breaking the seal,” allowing the bed intermittent moments of unrestricted breathing. “Thank God they didn’t hook him up to a catheter,” the bed said. “If they had, you would have been sending my wife flowers.”