While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.
- Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
- Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
- Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
- Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
- Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
- Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
- Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
- Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
- Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
- Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.