Archive for January, 2007

Cubs Come to Terms With Prior by Using Terms “Injury-Prone,” “Pansy,” and “Tampon”

CHICAGO–The Cubs have thankfully reached an agreement with right-handed towel-thrower Mark Prior. The announcement comes just weeks before Prior’s inevitable season-ending injury. The Cubs have not yet released the terms of the agreement, but sources close to Jim Hendry expect that the deal will include a lifetime supply of Always and a DVD copy of The Bridges of Madison County.

Oh snap!

Mark Prior: Snapping into a hot tub near you. Summer, 2007.


#113: Gary “No-Show” Varsho

What was the point of Gary Varsho? Other than the fact that he’s one of those guys whose name can only be said as a first and last name combination, little good can be said about Gary Varsho.

Gary Varsho. Why?

Thanks to the lunatic collecting vintage pictures of crappy Cubs for providing this picture. And the one of Chico Walker. Weird.

Gary Varsho had no power, didn’t make contact, couldn’t run, and struck out way more than he walked. Plus, he only has 10 more Major League home runs than I do. When you don’t break into the majors until you’re 27, your career path may look something like Gary Varsho’s.

My favorite “Gary Varsho” moment was during the writing of this article. I inadvertantly saved a copy of the Gary Varsho picture to the wrong folder, so I deleted the out-of-place Gary Varsho picture. My computer asked, “Do you want to send ‘Gary Varsho’ to the recycle bin?” I do indeed, all-knowing computer. I do indeed.

Low Point: How about the entire 1989 season? I don’t know how a guy earning a Major League paycheck can manage a .220 OBP, but Gary Varsho did it.

Did You Know? Gary Varsho and his 27 career stolen bases have taken their act to Cleveland to serve as the baserunning coach for the Indians.

#114: Jason “Not a Green” Bere

Maybe I couldn’t stand Jason Bere because he had no shoulders. Maybe it was because he had never shaved the goatee he was required to have during his stint with the White Sox. Or I guess it could have been his 1-10 record in 2002 with the Cubs.

Dude, where’s my shoulders?

You may recognize him from the mound at Wrigley, or you may recognize him from the “Sci-Fi” section at Blockbuster.

I’m not one to base my opinion of a pitcher on record, but didn’t it seem like the Cubs lost every time Jason Bere had the ball in his hand? Well, quit overreacting. In 2002, they only lost 75% of the time he had the ball in his hand. Bere’s awfulness as a Cub was made worse by the fact that his two best years–during which he compiled a 24-7 record–came in a White Sox uniform. It was further compounded by the fact that he took starts away from Carlos Zambrano. Thanks for the memories, Jason. By the way, do you have any more copies of John Tucker Must Die?

Low Point: August 31, 2002. In Bere’s last start as a Cub, he loses to Andy Freaking Benes after giving up 8 runs (7 earned) in 4 innings at Wrigley, including giving up home runs to Eli Marrero and Andy Freaking Benes, of all people.

Did You Know? Bere was part of the trade that sent Cub killer Richie Sexson to the Brewers. Yeah, his biography is as boring as his appearance.

Cedeno, Desperate to Avoid “Bottom 126,” Hits Stride in Winter; Cubs Surprised He Can Hit Anything

VENEZUELA–Cubs shortstop Ronnie Cedeno is hacking away in the Venezuelan Winter League, leading the league in several postseason hitting categories. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry is pleased with Cedeno’s play.

Focus and go slowly.

Cedeno focuses intently on making contact with two teammates’ fists simultaneously.

“Cedeno is really hitting his stride,” Hendry said. “It’s a good thing he started hitting before we were forced to trade a future Hall of Fame pitcher for a slap-hitting shortstop to fill the void at short,” Hendry continued, rolling his eyes. “It’s also a good thing ‘his stride’ isn’t shaped like a baseball.”

“Yeah, you really want to peak in the Venezuelan Winter League playoffs,” Hendry continued, his voice beginning to rise. “Because that’ll save a lot of people’s jobs if you hit the snot out of the ball down in Venezuela when no one, including me, is watching.”

Baker Inks 2-Year ESPN Deal; Will Serve as Analysist, Therapist

BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.

Dusty Baker, M.D., Analrapist

Baker’s new business card.

Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.

#115: Troy “Maybe It’s Because I’m Irish” O’Leary

Was Troy O’Leary seriously a Cub for only one year? Because I could have sworn that I threw at least three seasons’ worth of profanities at my television when O’Leary would come to the plate. When the Cubs signed a former Red Sox outfielder named Troy O’Leary in the winter before the 2003 season, for some reason I was convinced that the Cubs were getting Trot Nixon. Imagine my surprise when O’Leary showed up and put up absolutely anemic numbers with the Cubs.

Do you want a 3×5 or wallet-size?

Troy O’Leary

I would have gotten you past the Marlins.

Not Troy O’Leary

O’Leary fit in perfectly with the flailing-away, “it’s called hitting, not walking, dude,” idiocy that was the 2003 Cubs’ plate approach which got Randall Simon a position in the lineup. He was powerless, speedless, and worthless off the bench. And worst of all, he wasn’t Trot Nixon.

Low Point:

Fire Lou Piniella! Closed for Weekend

Loyal readers, I’m out of town skiing until Sunday, so Fire Lou Piniella! is taking an (un)deserved break. I will try to post Sunday, but I will at the latest be back on Monday as The Bottom 126 countdown continues. Have a great weekend.

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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