Although big-name free agents Alfonso Soriano, Barry Zito, Jason Schmidt, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Lee, Greg Maddux, Nomar Garciaparra, Gary Matthews, Jr., Frank Thomas, Tom Glavine, Vincente Padilla, Shea Hillenbrand, Kerry Wood, Aubrey Huff, Gil Meche, Ted Lilly, Benjie Molina, Juan Pierre, Mike Piazza, and Jim Edmonds did not sign with them, ESPN was pleased to report that the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox have had the most successful offseasons, at least according to the front page of one ESPN Insider article, the full contents for which a reporter at Fire Lou Piniella! was too intelligent to pay.
The Yankees have had the most successful offseason, according to ESPN’s Keith Law, by losing the incredibly productive Gary Sheffield and reacquiring the incredibly declining and injury-prone Andy Pettitte. The Yankees also made some other bold moves, such as acquiring Chris Britton and cash for Jaret Wright. Law neglected to mention that Yankees G.M. George Steinbrenner also purchased a delicious rueben from a deli close to Yankee Stadium.
The Red Sox, meanwhile, acquired Daisuke Matsuzaka simply by writing a check containing more digits than Antonio Alfonseca. Law declared Matsuzaka “the best starting pitcher available,” but neglected to add the word “Japanese” before “starting” and after “best.” Law is expected to issue written apologies to Schmidt, Zito, Glavine, and Maddux. The Red Sox also maybe landed the possibly injured J.D. Drew to allegedly play outfield which may or may not be one of the Red Sox’s needs.
The Red Sox also acquired wife-beating Julio Lugo to play short and “keep ‘dem hos in check.” To read the rest of Law’s article, ESPN requested actual U.S. currency, so the list was cut short. However, with the offseason as brilliantly analyzed as it was by Law even in his truncated article, it’s no wonder that ESPN is truly the East Coast-Wide Leader in Sports.