Despite Not Landing Any Good Players, Yankees, Red Sox Had “Most Successful Offseasons” Says ESoxPNyy

Although big-name free agents Alfonso Soriano, Barry Zito, Jason Schmidt, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Lee, Greg Maddux, Nomar Garciaparra, Gary Matthews, Jr., Frank Thomas, Tom Glavine, Vincente Padilla, Shea Hillenbrand, Kerry Wood, Aubrey Huff, Gil Meche, Ted Lilly, Benjie Molina, Juan Pierre, Mike Piazza, and Jim Edmonds did not sign with them, ESPN was pleased to report that the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox have had the most successful offseasons, at least according to the front page of one ESPN Insider article, the full contents for which a reporter at Fire Lou Piniella! was too intelligent to pay.

The Yankees have had the most successful offseason, according to ESPN’s Keith Law, by losing the incredibly productive Gary Sheffield and reacquiring the incredibly declining and injury-prone Andy Pettitte. The Yankees also made some other bold moves, such as acquiring Chris Britton and cash for Jaret Wright. Law neglected to mention that Yankees G.M. George Steinbrenner also purchased a delicious rueben from a deli close to Yankee Stadium.

I am the Law.
Would you trust this man to analyze your offseason? Would you trust him to do anything with “anal” somewhere in the word?

The Red Sox, meanwhile, acquired Daisuke Matsuzaka simply by writing a check containing more digits than Antonio Alfonseca. Law declared Matsuzaka “the best starting pitcher available,” but neglected to add the word “Japanese” before “starting” and after “best.” Law is expected to issue written apologies to Schmidt, Zito, Glavine, and Maddux. The Red Sox also maybe landed the possibly injured J.D. Drew to allegedly play outfield which may or may not be one of the Red Sox’s needs.

The Red Sox also acquired wife-beating Julio Lugo to play short and “keep ‘dem hos in check.” To read the rest of Law’s article, ESPN requested actual U.S. currency, so the list was cut short. However, with the offseason as brilliantly analyzed as it was by Law even in his truncated article, it’s no wonder that ESPN is truly the East Coast-Wide Leader in Sports.


4 Responses to “Despite Not Landing Any Good Players, Yankees, Red Sox Had “Most Successful Offseasons” Says ESoxPNyy”

  1. 1 Wrigleyville January 2, 2007 at 8:01 pm

    OK, I’m dumb enough to pay for it, and here is the list:

    Three teams that came out ahead.
    1. Yankees
    2. Red Sox
    3. Everyone who stayed out of free agent market (because they’ll have more money to spend later)

    Three temas that took a step back
    1. Orioles
    2. Angels
    3. Mariners

    Three best contracts
    1. Randy Wolf, Dodgers, presuming he won’t beat his wife again.
    2. Moises Alou, Mets
    3. Jason Schmidt Dodgers

    Three worse contracts
    1. Barry Zito, Giants
    2. Gary Matthews Jr., Angels
    3. Carlos Lee, Astros

    Honorable mentions: Juan Pierre, Alfonso Soriano, Jason Marquis

  2. 2 badkermit January 3, 2007 at 9:51 am

    His “teams that came out ahead” list looks like ESPN’s “teams that are in the MLB” list.

    1. Yankees
    2. Red Sox
    3. Everyone else

    Thanks for posting that.

  3. 3 Wrigleyville January 3, 2007 at 9:54 am

    He clearly is pro-wife beater, since he supports the signing of Lugo and Wolf.

  4. 4 badkermit January 3, 2007 at 11:01 am

    That must be why he’s so ornery. No woman will let him beat her.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

Subscribe to “Fire Lou Piniella!”

Contact “Fire Lou Piniella!”

Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

Blog Stats

  • 140,535 hits

%d bloggers like this: