CHICAGO–Carrie Muskat reports that the Cubs believe that closer Ryan Dempster, who was abysmal in 2006, will “bounce back” in 2007. Dempster’s time traveling adventure will be difficult, as he must bounce back to the very narrow window of time when he was actually good, all while traveling at 88 m.p.h. and generating 1.21 jigowatts of electricity.
Dempster expects his close friend Dr. Emmett Brown to help him get back to 2005. Brown is the inventor of the flux capacitor, which is “what makes time travel possible,” according to Brown.
Unfortunately for Dempster, while the De Lorean DMC-12 which houses the flux capacitor needs only to reach 88 miles per hour and runs on standard gasoline, the flux capacitor must be powered by 1.21 jigowatts of electricity. When Fire Lou Piniella! asked Dempster about the likelihood of generating such a charge, Dempster said, “What the hell is a jigowatt?!”
Brown explained that one of the only power sources capable of generating such a charge is “a bolt of lightning.” Dempster, standing nearby, said, “What?” Whereby Brown repeated, “A bolt of lightning.” Brown then added, “But the problem is you never know when or where one is going to strike.”
Dempster excitedly told Brown, “We do now.” Dempster handed Brown a copy of a speech expected to be delivered by Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry later that day. In it, Hendry had written, “We expect Mark Prior to make thirty starts this year. If there is something physically wrong with Mark Prior, may God himself strike me with a bolt of lightning right NOW.”
…TO BE CONTINUED…