Barrett Puts Suspension, Grotesquely Swollen Scrotum Behind Him

CHICAGO–Cubs catcher Michael Barrett had an interesting 2006 season. He lived the American dream when he punched White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, a man far too old to be using initials as his first name, right in the face.

Later in the season, he suffered an intrascrotal hematoma, which sounds probably about as bad as it is, when he took a foul ball off the gonads.

Carrie Muskat Muskrat!, as usual, was on the ball(s) with her reporting.

[Barrett] suffered an intrascrotal hematoma, and has vowed to find a cup that provides “bullet-proof” protection. Expect him to be touting a 2007 Barrett model this year.

The Cubs are no strangers to putting a positive spin on an otherwise bleak situation, but expecting the fans to get excited about whether their starting catcher can take a bullet to the penis is a bit much.

The average fan is probably less concerned about whether Barrett’s 2007 cup will be a wraparound “banana-style” cup or a “How exactly are my testes supposed to be positioned in this thing?” triangular-style cup, and are more concerned about questions such as, “Who is the starting center fielder?” and “Jason Marquis? Really?” and “How many Cubs games are going to be on ESPN, and can we make sure Dusty isn’t doing those?” and “Is Ryan Dempster really still the closer?”

On second thought, let’s all talk about Michael Barrett’s beanbags.

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3 Responses to “Barrett Puts Suspension, Grotesquely Swollen Scrotum Behind Him”


  1. 1 Wrigleyville January 5, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    How would you like to be the one who tests whether the cup could stop a bullet? You’d have to wear it, to – you know – test it in game conditions.

  2. 2 badkermit January 8, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    I would dislike that.


    He wouldn’t though.

  3. 3 badkermit January 8, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    By “he,” I meant the guy from Super Troopers. I had a picture. It didn’t show up. I’ll try again.

    I’m guessing it didn’t work, because I can’t wrangle the interweb.


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