Mariotti Argues with Self, Has Heart Attack, Loses Argument

CHICAGO–Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti was hospitalized Wednesday night in New Orleans, where he was on assignment to cover the Sugar Bowl.

Mariotti underwent an angioplasty procedure and insertion of an arterial stent. The columnist is expected to take time off before resuming his role as loudmouth idiot on ESPN’s Around the Horn some time early next month.

In June, Mariotti had a battle of words with White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. The words chosen in the battle were basically just “fag” and “mang” on Guillen’s side, and “me” and “I” on Mariotti’s.

That ain’t no fag, Ozzie. That is pure hetero beef.

Mariotti began experiencing heart problems while watching an tape of Around the Horn from 2005. On the tape, Mariotti circa 2005 said something with which the 2007 version of Mariotti did not agree. Mariotti ver.2007 became enraged, and began screaming at the television. When 2005 Mariotti did not respond to him, but only began talking more loudly and flaring his nostrils more vigorously, ’07 Mariotti threw the furniture in his hotel room around in a tantrum, stressing him to the point where he experienced chest pains and was driven to a local hospital.

In the space normally occupied by Mariotti’s column, the Sun-Times is expected to run a series of photographs depicting animals having violent sex with one another. No one is expected to complain about the change.


14 Responses to “Mariotti Argues with Self, Has Heart Attack, Loses Argument”

  1. 1 Mike D. January 5, 2007 at 11:11 am

    That’s excellent.

    Why’d you disappear from Desipio like that? 1908 and gone like the wind.

  2. 2 badkermit January 5, 2007 at 11:18 am

    Because I’m an idiot. I forgot I hit 1908, so I had already screwed that up. Then, I thought when we registered a new name, we were supposed to delete our old account. I registered a new one, and just need Andy’s approval. I’m going to have to substitute an epic #1908 for an epic #1.

    Tell everyone I miss them, and that I’ll always be there in spirit.

  3. 3 TG January 5, 2007 at 11:37 am

    What an ordeal. I say you just pick another Muppet and come back soon.

  4. 4 JD, Too January 5, 2007 at 11:54 am

    I feel bad for ya. We miss you over there. Andy will get around to it in 3 to 28 days. You’ll be back in no time. In the meantime, find something constructive to do with your time. Volunteer at an old folks home…become an active member at really important entertainment message board…learn to play an instrument…go find Slaky…time is on your side, my friend. This is a well-deserved vacation. If you never come back, I’ll always remember you whenever I make a “Fat Charlie/Notra Dahm” comment.

  5. 5 James Westfall January 5, 2007 at 11:58 am

    You know, you could always truck on to 1984, 1989 or any of the disappointing DFB years.

  6. 6 The Paul Popovich Experience January 5, 2007 at 12:47 pm

    Be bold; come back as Daryl Kile. Quit on post #57.

  7. 7 James Westfall January 5, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    Or come back as Sammy Sosa and quit at 161.

  8. 8 badkermit January 5, 2007 at 2:12 pm

    I wish I could truck on to 2003, but I stupidly deleted the old account. I thought the old post count and stuff would stay. I was quite wrong. I probably should have signed up for the account earlier. I’m going through withdrawal.

  9. 9 badkermit January 5, 2007 at 2:21 pm

    Oh, and tell SD that College Hoops 2K7 kicks ass, and I’m not even a big basketball fan. And tell Andy that I’m not a threat to myself or others, so this screening process is entirely unnecessary.

  10. 10 The Paul Popovich Experience January 5, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    [quote]Or come back as Sammy Sosa and quit at 161.[/quote]

    Nice. How about coming back as Sloth and quitting at 14? (I keed, I keed….)

  11. 11 jonathantu January 6, 2007 at 5:00 am

    I loathe baseball and yet I love this blog.

  12. 12 boisewantsjay January 6, 2007 at 10:57 am

    Check out our tribute vid for Jay:

    Well whaddya know? 15 years of hyperventilating bitching, moaning and feuding with anything livin’ and breathin’ in Chicago finally caught up with him.

  13. 13 badkermit January 9, 2007 at 10:09 am

    Thanks, Jonathantu, and thanks for the link Boise. Good stuff.

  1. 1 Her Loyal Sons » Jay Mariotti Has Heart Attack, Doesn’t Die. World Mourns. Trackback on January 5, 2007 at 12:59 pm

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