DES MOINES, Iowa–Former Cubs Andre Dawson and Ryne Sandberg were at the Iowa Cubs’ Fan Fest 2007 this Saturday, and both had some interesting things to say about the Cubs’ offseason acquisitions, as Wrigleyville 23 pointed out.
According to Dawson:
They made some good acquisitions considering what was out there (for free-agent talent). But I still think there is work to be done.
According to Sandberg:
They were very aggressive this winter, but they had a lot of work to do after the last two seasons. I don’t know if a quick fix will work, but in the future it’s important that the Cubs get more players out of their own system.
The Des Moines Register failed to cover the most interesting part of the story, when federal agent Jack Bauer checked in on the Cubs’ offseason activity. Fire Lou Piniella! was fortunate enough to ask a few questions of Bauer.
Q: Good afternoon, Mr. Bauer. How are you doing?
A: Today is the longest day of my life.
Q: I’m sorry to hear that. Is it okay if we begin?
A: Fine. But let’s get something straight. The only reason you’re conscious right now is because I don’t want to carry you.
Q: I understand. So, can we begin?
A: The only way you’re going to get answers is if I tell them to you.
Q: Good point. So, what do you think some of the acquisitions the Cubs have made this offseason.
A: Gimme a name!
Q: Okay. Alfonso Soriano. Do you think he’ll enjoy being in Chicago?
A: We’ll make sure he doesn’t turn the gun on himself.
Q: What about Jason Marquis?
A: I want you to point a gun at his chest and pull the trigger now.
Q: Yeah, me too. What do you think about rooting for the Cubs?
A: A few years ago, my wife was killed because of my rooting for the Cubs. My daughter has never been the same since. This last year… well, you know what I went through watching this team. What’d I get for it? A pat on the back. In the end, a demotion and a heroin habit. I’m tired of putting my ass on the line for nothing. I’m DONE putting my ass on the line for nothing.
Q: So, you think the Cubs will be better this year?
A: There are things in this world which are out of our control. Sometimes we like to blame ourselves for them so we can try to make sense out of them.
Q: Don’t you think you’re sort of selling me short with a vague answer like that?
A: You betrayed me, too, I’m just better at it than you.
Q: Well, at least tell me what you think of the website.
A: I know you think what you’re doing is right. But it is my job not to let that happen.
Q: You’re going to prevent me from getting Lou fired? How?
A: You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.
Q: I bet I don’t. Well, can you at least tell me what you think about Lou?
A: You’re out of time!
Q: I guess that’s a “no.” Well, thank you for your time.
A: It’s been an honor.