Sosa Seeks “Happy Ending” in Texas; FLP! Suggests Avoiding “Sunny Side Up Massage” in Arlington; SO Not What We Expected

ARLINGTON, Tex.–Former slugger Sammy Sosa, out of baseball since the 2005 season, is looking to revitalize his career in the place where it all started. Sosa worked out Tuesday in Arlington for the Texas Rangers, where his career began eighteen years ago.

After hitting .221 with only 14 home runs for Baltimore in 2005, Sosa wants to stage a comeback so that his career can have a happy ending. Sosa’s career has been seen frequenting several therapeutic massage parlors seeking that happy ending.

Subtle.

So far, Sosa’s career has had no luck in its search, despite suggesting to several masseuses such code phrases as “happy ending,” “the house special,” “the champagne room,” and “please touch my bathing suit area.” Fire Lou Piniella! will stay with the story and provide driving directions and a car pool list if Sosa’s career finds its happy ending.

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