Happy Groundhog Day, cocksuckers. The groundhog said there’s gonna be an early spring, meaning Spring Training will be here early and you’ll get Lou all over your face even sooner this year. You like that? You better. You think you’re soooooo clever with this little site, huh? Well, you wouldn’t be so clever if I jammed my fingers in your ears until they touched. Anyhow, Sweet Uncle Lou has been asked to do a regular Friday Roundup column, telling you illiterate pansies what’s going on in the Interworld. So, here you go. Enjoy it. Or don’t. I don’t give a fuck.
- Wrigleyville23 points out how stupid and tired Cubs jokes are. You know what else is stupid and tired? Rothschild. Ha! That guy looks like a fucking goat. No wonder everyone in this city hates him. (Wrigleyville23)
- The only site you’ll ever need has the only sports writer out there who doesn’t have his head up his ass picking the Bears to beat the Colts. (Desipio)
- Hendry got so loopy from huffing the gas out of whipped cream cans before he got interviewed for this article, that he actually said, “There are great days still ahead for Mark Prior.” Oh, he also ate all of the whipped cream out of the cans. And then he ate the cans. (Chicago Sun-Times)
- I sound badass in this piece by the Muskrat. Sort of makes you wonder why they picked such a queer headline for the article, doesn’t it? Oh, I also mention that my temper tantrums are weather-related, because I know how much you little bastards missed your manager blaming his performance on the weather. And Muskrat? I call that look “Blue Steel.” I made that up myself. Nah. Just fucking with you. It’s from Zoolander. Get bent. (Cubs.com)
- The Muskrat is so used to that idiot Baker, that she just automatically penciled my center fielder in as a leadoff guy, and my second baseman as the #2 hitter. Hey, sweetheart, why don’t you stick to writing the shitty fluff pieces, and I’ll worry about the lineup. (Cubs.com)
- Muskrat must have swung and missed at the bars this week, because she had a lot of time on her hands to write idiotic spring training articles like this, where she answers questions like, “Where is Mesa, and how do I get there?” It’s called Google Maps, dipshit. Christ, even I know that. Oh, and Muskrat tells people where to wait for autographs at Spring Training. I have news for you, you sweaty hogs. I ain’t signing anything you shove in my face, unless it’s a nice pair of tits. (Cubs.com)
Will NOT fucking sign.
Will sign and tap wherever she needs signing and tapping.
Fire me? Fire you, bitches.
Sweet Uncle Lou