What’s up, jerks? You done crying in your beers over your Bears getting abused by a guy name Peyton? That’s gotta really sting, huh? That’s like the Cubs losing a World Series to a guy named Sandberg. Ha ha! Just kidding. We’ll never be in the World Series. Okay, you little pricks, are you ready for your Friday roundup? If you aren’t, too bad.
- Jon Saraceno calls you all idiot drunks for rooting for this crappy team. I agree with him, even if he’s in the third trimester of turning into a werewolf. He also has the f@#$ing nerve to call me “Sweet Lou.” Who the hell does this guy think he is? Teen Wolf? Oh, and he tells a story about some old bitches who told me to win soon because they “don’t have much time left.” He forgot to add the ending to the story, when I banged them both.
- I hear Selig might not follow Bonds around when he’s trying to chase down Aaron’s home run record. The little wuss justifies it by saying he wasn’t there when Clemens won his 300th game. Wasn’t there someone else who recently won his 300th game who isn’t a complete asshole? Were you there for that one, you liver-spotted tit?
- This article about steaming balls is as gay as you think it is. Check out this gem: “Since 2002, the Rockies have kept baseballs in an atmosphere-controlled climate, known locally as “the humidor,” to keep them from shrinking, hardening and losing friction.” I’m calling in sick for the series in Colorado.
- The Orioles resigned that idiot Patterson. Patterson’s so dumb, he can’t even spell “K” in his scorecard.
- Carrie Muskrat shows why she’s still single, suggesting you buy a baseball glove for your loved one for Valentine’s Day. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that Muskrat can only get the backup catcher, the center fielder for the Dodgers, the crappy shortstop, the rookie, and the guy with the bloody sack to talk to her? Christ, I don’t even talk to those guys.
- Oh, and we Hispanics don’t English well to translate into. From the article: “Besides, he added that his personal goals will be to show coach Lou Piniella who supports the level with which he finished 2006 with .245 with six home runners and 41 RBIs.” Who wrote that sentence? Patterson?
It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there, kids, so bundle up this weekend with a bottle of Jack and a good book. Just kidding. Rent a porno.