Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: Feb. 9, 2007

What’s up, jerks? You done crying in your beers over your Bears getting abused by a guy name Peyton? That’s gotta really sting, huh? That’s like the Cubs losing a World Series to a guy named Sandberg. Ha ha! Just kidding. We’ll never be in the World Series. Okay, you little pricks, are you ready for your Friday roundup? If you aren’t, too bad.

  1. Jon Saraceno calls you all idiot drunks for rooting for this crappy team. I agree with him, even if he’s in the third trimester of turning into a werewolf. Jon SeracenoHe also has the f@#$ing nerve to call me “Sweet Lou.” Who the hell does this guy think he is? Teen Wolf? Oh, and he tells a story about some old bitches who told me to win soon because they “don’t have much time left.” He forgot to add the ending to the story, when I banged them both.
  2. I hear Selig might not follow Bonds around when he’s trying to chase down Aaron’s home run record. The little wuss justifies it by saying he wasn’t there when Clemens won his 300th game. Wasn’t there someone else who recently won his 300th game who isn’t a complete asshole? Were you there for that one, you liver-spotted tit?
  3. This article about steaming balls is as gay as you think it is. Check out this gem: “Since 2002, the Rockies have kept baseballs in an atmosphere-controlled climate, known locally as “the humidor,” to keep them from shrinking, hardening and losing friction.” I’m calling in sick for the series in Colorado.
  4. The Orioles resigned that idiot Patterson. Patterson’s so dumb, he can’t even spell “K” in his scorecard.
  5. Carrie Muskrat shows why she’s still single, suggesting you buy a baseball glove for your loved one for Valentine’s Day. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that Muskrat can only get the backup catcher, the center fielder for the Dodgers, the crappy shortstop, the rookie, and the guy with the bloody sack to talk to her? Christ, I don’t even talk to those guys.
  6. Oh, and we Hispanics don’t English well to translate into. From the article: “Besides, he added that his personal goals will be to show coach Lou Piniella who supports the level with which he finished 2006 with .245 with six home runners and 41 RBIs.” Who wrote that sentence? Patterson?

It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there, kids, so bundle up this weekend with a bottle of Jack and a good book. Just kidding. Rent a porno.

-Uncle Lou


4 Responses to “Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: Feb. 9, 2007”

  1. 1 al February 9, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    glad you started this..funny!

  2. 2 daver February 9, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    Lou, you old son of a bitch. Thanks for passing along all of this highly interesting info. Now good luck passing those kidney stones that have been bothering you.

  3. 4 cheri February 11, 2007 at 3:31 am

    This is my first visit to this blog, and it’s awesome. I definitely want to hear more from *sweet* Lou. Man, poor old Michael- he will never live down that bloody sack business. You gotta feel for the guy though. I’m a cynical old ER nurse( as all ER nurses are) and even WE would have loaded up that poor boy with a shitload of morphine.

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Ozzie Guillen, mang.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

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123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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