What the f@#$ is with all the “Spring Training Preview” articles this weekend? What, no one wanted to cover the Pro Bowl? Ha ha haaaa! Jerks. Well, I got out of bed earlier than usual this afternoon just so I could let you computer-illiterate punks know what’s being said about Spring Training.
Just think! Only a few more days until you get to see me in skintight pinstriped pants! Doesn’t that just make your crotch burn?
- Chris DeLuca is still somehow getting paid for his writings. He writes about five players to watch in Spring Training. The first is DeRosa. Coach DeLuca thinks that DeRosa might be more useful in a platoon situation with Jacque Jones. Of course, DeLuca ain’t getting paid to fill out a lineup. He’s apparently paid to write idiotic, poorly thought out articles about my players for a newspaper that is about a half step above Redeye. DeLuca’s #2 player to watch is Izturis. Christ, does DeLuca think anyone would voluntarily watch Izturis play baseball? For God’s sake, I don’t even watch him. Moving on, DeLuca suggests one of the best hitters on the team might get knocked out of the lineup for so-so defense. He’s talking about Murton, not Barrett. If he thinks I’d bench Carrot Top for defense when I have that idiot Jones making divots in right field every time he tries to throw a guy out at home, he’s in for a surprise. Next, DeLuca thinks we should watch Wade Miller. Watch him do what? Try to break a plate glass window with his fastball? Finally, DeLuca mentions Neil Cotts. DeLuca suggests that Cotts may be the next Glendon Rusch, and he says it like it’s a good thing. Good article, Chris. Let’s move on.
- Ken Davidoff says that Spring Training is arguably the best time of year to be a baseball fan. Unless, of course, your team ever gets in the playoffs. Which we don’t. He calls us the #2 most intriguing team behind the Red Sox. Guess who’s #3. If you said “the Yankees,” you’re well aware that the douchebag media doesn’t realize we play baseball west of Boston. Assholes. Plus the guy gives us one f@#$ing sentence so he can get back to blowing the AL East. He then goes on to list the most intriguing players. Surprise, surprise, Daisy Matsuzaka and A-Rod are in the top 3. The rest of the article is only worth reading if you have to take one of those 20-minute dumps and you know you’re going to need something to wipe with when you’re done.
- Some cocksucker in St. Louis says that we still have a hole in center field, and that Felix Pie gets the first crack at the job. How many weeks ago did I announce that Soriano would be in center? Nice research, turd.
- Here’s what to do during Spring Training if you have unlimited funds, you quit your job, and you don’t mind your wife leaving you. None of these are problems, apparently, for Ben Walker.
- The Sun-Times does a National League Spring Training preview. The Chicago Sun-Times. They seem to be missing a team from the NL Central. This is why you’re considered a tabloid, you jackasses.
- Jeff Vorva, whose name sounds like a slang term for “vagina,” tells me what I need to do to win the NL Central. This is priceless:
- Vorva says, “Lou! Rethink the top of the order!” I say, “Vorva! Kiss my ass!”
- Vorva says, “Get the outfield in order!” I say, “Get a real job!”
- Vorva says, “Keep ‘Z’ on edge.” I say, “Go find an edge and drag it across your wrists.”
- Vorva says, “Put Dempster on a short leash.” I say, “S&M is for sick freaks like you, Gimp.”
- Vorva says, “Hope and pray that this $61 million was spent wisely.” I say, “Who would I pray to? I’m God.”
- Darrin Beene picks us as a sleeper to win the NL. Sleeper? Wake the f@#$ up, Beene baby! We’ll be an odds-on favorite to win this bitch once I teach these pansies to do things like run the bases and take balls.
- The one professional sportswriter in this town analyzes the moves the Cubs have made, and the importance of getting “bang for the buck” out of each move. I can’t make fun of Miles. He’s interesting and fair.
- The Mercury News previews the season and suggests that I experienced “sheer delight” with the amount of spending Fat Jim did. I haven’t had a moment of “sheer delight” ever. That phrase is queer.
- Oh, here is the Sun-Times’ Cubs preview. It’s not really much of a preview, is it? But, hey, thanks to the Sun-Times, you know when we’ll be playing the “Paddiv>” in Spring Training. That’s some bang-up reporting, Sun-Times.
Well, I have to get to Arizona soon. If you’re traveling to Spring Training, make sure you come up and say hi to me. Maybe even ask me for an autograph. I love that as much as I’m sure you’ll love the foot up your ass you’ll get in return.
-Sweet Uncle Lou