Molony Thinks “Big Z” Can Win 20; Big Z Says, “Thinks? He’s full of Molony.” writer Jim Molony thinks that Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano has the potential to win 20 games in 2007. Upon hearing the news Zambrano, who has spent the offseason living at the rim of Mauna Loa, an active volcano in the Hawaiian Islands, scoffed. “Thinks?” Zambrano asked, shifting from one foot to another to alleviate the intense heat rising from the molten rock flowing just underground. “He’s full of Molony. He must ‘think’ that the earth is round and that the sun rises in the east,” Zambrano continued, crunching on a piece of volcanic rock for nutrition.

“I will win 33 games in 2007, not including the playoffs,” Zambrano declared as a bird flying overhead dropped dead at his feet from the intense heat. Zambrano quickly devoured the bird. “If there is one thing that living on this volcano has taught me, it’s that I haven’t been tough enough in the past, which has caused me to lose games,” Zambrano continued, deeply inhaling the toxic mixture of hydrogen sulphide and hydrogen chloride spewing from the mouth of the volcano.

“In 2007, I will not lose,” Zambrano concluded, wiping a bit of sweat from his brow as one reporter’s eyeballs melted in their sockets.  “I guarantee it.”


7 Responses to “Molony Thinks “Big Z” Can Win 20; Big Z Says, “Thinks? He’s full of Molony.””

  1. 1 al February 12, 2007 at 6:20 pm

    these..are..HYSTERCIAL!!!..keep up the good work!

  2. 2 Bocaj February 12, 2007 at 6:47 pm

    This real? See you write some fake articles and then some serious ones and I can’t tell the difference sometimes…

  3. 3 Bad Kermit February 12, 2007 at 9:46 pm

    Has Zambrano been living at the rim of a volcano during the offseason? No. Will he lose a game in 2007? Also no.

  4. 4 JD, Too February 12, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    Yes, BK, you need to quit mixing in real stuff with you satire. I’m thinking Bocaj was either joking or he’s a visitor from NSBB. Or he’s crunch in disguise. You know, like a Transformer. It’s more than meat in your eye.

  5. 5 Bocaj February 13, 2007 at 7:21 am

    All of the above…

  6. 6 daver February 13, 2007 at 11:05 am

    Did you catch Big Z’s intereview on WGN-TV? (It’s available on the Chicago Tribune Web site.) I love how he referred to himself in the third person at the end. There’s another quote where he actually refers to himself as “Big Z.” Gotta love Carlos.

  7. 7 Bad Kermit February 13, 2007 at 11:13 am

    I’ll have to check it out. Thanks for the heads-up.

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