MLB.com writer Jim Molony thinks that Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano has the potential to win 20 games in 2007. Upon hearing the news Zambrano, who has spent the offseason living at the rim of Mauna Loa, an active volcano in the Hawaiian Islands, scoffed. “Thinks?” Zambrano asked, shifting from one foot to another to alleviate the intense heat rising from the molten rock flowing just underground. “He’s full of Molony. He must ‘think’ that the earth is round and that the sun rises in the east,” Zambrano continued, crunching on a piece of volcanic rock for nutrition.
“I will win 33 games in 2007, not including the playoffs,” Zambrano declared as a bird flying overhead dropped dead at his feet from the intense heat. Zambrano quickly devoured the bird. “If there is one thing that living on this volcano has taught me, it’s that I haven’t been tough enough in the past, which has caused me to lose games,” Zambrano continued, deeply inhaling the toxic mixture of hydrogen sulphide and hydrogen chloride spewing from the mouth of the volcano.
“In 2007, I will not lose,” Zambrano concluded, wiping a bit of sweat from his brow as one reporter’s eyeballs melted in their sockets. “I guarantee it.”