Happy Valentine’s Day, C@#$suckers

I thought you idiots might enjoy the Valentine’s Day cards that I’m sending to my players on the first day that pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

To Carlos Zambrano:

So happy to meet you!

So glad we’ve made contact!

Now shut the hell up,

And sign a damn contract.

To Ryan Dempster:

I hear you’re a clown.

I hear you’re a cut-up.

One thing that you’re not,

Is a closer, so shut up.

To Jim Hendry:

I know I’ve been blunt,

And I know I’ve been crass,

But seriously, Jim,

You’re a f@#$ing fat ass.

To Alfonso Soriano:

I know that you think I “asked” you to play center,

But let’s get something straight:

I’m in charge, so get bent-er.

To Matt Murton:

I know I stuck up for you,

This whole offseason.

But I’ll bench you like Dusty,

Just give me a reason.

To Michael Barrett:

I need you to lead now,

You must have our back.

So I won’t stand for crying,

About your bruised sack.

To Jacque Jones:

I like you, kid, and you play with some sass,

But quit firing the f@#$ing ball into the grass.

To Derrek Lee:

You play with much dignity, style, and great grace,

So who did you kill to end up in this place?

To Kerry Wood:

How is your shoulder, your elbow, and cuff?

Let’s make this your year. Enough is enough.

To Jason Marquis:

I’d count all the reasons that I hate you today,

If only the number didn’t dwarf your ERA.

To Aramis Ramirez:

Of the guys at third since Santo, I like you the most.

But if you ever turn a double to a single, you’re toast.

To Mark Prior:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Stay healthy this year,

Or I’ll skull-f@#$ you.

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6 Responses to “Happy Valentine’s Day, C@#$suckers”


  1. 1 Brick February 14, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    Well played.

  2. 2 al February 14, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    impressive and funny!

  3. 3 Josh February 14, 2007 at 7:03 pm

    Those cards were very sweet.  This is why I like Valentines Day.

  4. 4 Wrigleyville February 14, 2007 at 9:00 pm

    Have you received your restraining order yet?

  5. 5 JD, Too February 14, 2007 at 11:47 pm

    Sulleymoon of NSBB writes way better poetry.

  6. 6 i hate the cubs [: May 3, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    Cubs suck! really cracked me up! thanks!


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