Happy Valentine’s Day, C@#$suckers

I thought you idiots might enjoy the Valentine’s Day cards that I’m sending to my players on the first day that pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

To Carlos Zambrano:

So happy to meet you!

So glad we’ve made contact!

Now shut the hell up,

And sign a damn contract.

To Ryan Dempster:

I hear you’re a clown.

I hear you’re a cut-up.

One thing that you’re not,

Is a closer, so shut up.

To Jim Hendry:

I know I’ve been blunt,

And I know I’ve been crass,

But seriously, Jim,

You’re a f@#$ing fat ass.

To Alfonso Soriano:

I know that you think I “asked” you to play center,

But let’s get something straight:

I’m in charge, so get bent-er.

To Matt Murton:

I know I stuck up for you,

This whole offseason.

But I’ll bench you like Dusty,

Just give me a reason.

To Michael Barrett:

I need you to lead now,

You must have our back.

So I won’t stand for crying,

About your bruised sack.

To Jacque Jones:

I like you, kid, and you play with some sass,

But quit firing the f@#$ing ball into the grass.

To Derrek Lee:

You play with much dignity, style, and great grace,

So who did you kill to end up in this place?

To Kerry Wood:

How is your shoulder, your elbow, and cuff?

Let’s make this your year. Enough is enough.

To Jason Marquis:

I’d count all the reasons that I hate you today,

If only the number didn’t dwarf your ERA.

To Aramis Ramirez:

Of the guys at third since Santo, I like you the most.

But if you ever turn a double to a single, you’re toast.

To Mark Prior:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Stay healthy this year,

Or I’ll skull-f@#$ you.


6 Responses to “Happy Valentine’s Day, C@#$suckers”

  1. 1 Brick February 14, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    Well played.

  2. 2 al February 14, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    impressive and funny!

  3. 3 Josh February 14, 2007 at 7:03 pm

    Those cards were very sweet.  This is why I like Valentines Day.

  4. 4 Wrigleyville February 14, 2007 at 9:00 pm

    Have you received your restraining order yet?

  5. 5 JD, Too February 14, 2007 at 11:47 pm

    Sulleymoon of NSBB writes way better poetry.

  6. 6 i hate the cubs [: May 3, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    Cubs suck! really cracked me up! thanks!

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

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107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

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111. Rick Aguilera

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113. Gary Varsho

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115. Troy O'Leary

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125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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