Dear Idiot Cubs Fans,
Bad Kermit asked if I’d check in every once in a while during the season and do like a diary about the team and about how everything is going. I’ll see what I can do.
Holy crap the idiots in the media have the BIGGEST BONER over me saying that I wanted to develop a “Cubbie swagger.” I don’t even know what the hell I meant when I said it, but this one guy kept staring at my feet like it was a big deal that I wasn’t wearing socks, and it sort of freaked me out, so I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
Oh, and you should have seen the picture that the Tribune and the Sun-Times ran of me. Look at this!
They must have taken it right after Hendry ripped ass. Seriously, it was so fricking disgusting that Prior puked right there on the floor. When I asked Hendry, “What crawled up your ass and died?” he said, “MacPhail.” We both had a good laugh about that.
By the way, if you think this team is full of pussies, you should have seen my 1993 Mariners team. I remember one time I told them we should go play a bunch of kids playing whiffle ball, and get our ass whipped by them. Buhner started fucking crying. Pansy.
I gotta tell you, Wood looks light, and I don’t mean “in the loafers.” Seriously, he told me he dropped thirty pounds. I told him I wanted to drop about 150 pounds named Anita, and we both had a good laugh. Just kidding, sweetheart. Anyhow, I figure we can treat Wood like a bullpen guy and work his arm out like that, and hopefully he’ll be a studly late-inning guy.
I don’t expect any problems with Zambrano, but everyone else wants to write it that way. I think the kid will want to stay a Cub. If not, every time he pitches against up, I’m gonna stick it up his fucking ass! Did you get that one? Charlie Sheen? Major League? Ahh, you’re nuts.
I’m finally getting some credit for helping land Soriano. When Jim and I met with him, we basically just made fun of Hendry’s fat ass in Spanish. Hendry had no idea, and now I have a center fielder. Speaking of Soriano, it’s pretty cool that he’s already in camp. We took his bed out last night and put it in the middle of the practice field like that movie Major League. He didn’t think it was funny, but shit I laughed my ass off.
And, hey, you jackasses complaining about a little Under Armour ad? Shut the hell up. They put over $300M into this team. This ain’t the “playground for the cocksuckers” you’re used to. The only time you’re gonna even notice those ads is when Soriano, Ramirez, Murton, Barrett, and Lee are fucking rocketing balls off them.