MESA, Ariz.–Nearly lost in all of the commotion of Spring Training was an internal promotion. Due to the departure of Glendon Rusch recently following his health problems during the season, Cubs’ left-handed reliever Scott Eyre was promoted Tuesday to the role of DUFLOOGY (“Designated Ugly Fat Lefty One Out GuY”).
Ladies, beware. Also, ham sandwiches, beware.
Eyre accepted the honor graciously. “It’s great for me to know my role,” Eyre said, munching noisily on a cheese wheel. “When we go out with guys, I know before the night even starts that I’m going to be the one going home with the fatty. Unless, of course, the Diamondbacks are in town,” Eyre continued, as a nearby baseball began orbiting his midsection. “Now that Lou [Piniella] is here, he’s letting us know our Rolos- sorry, roles, which makes it a lot easier to be prepared,” Eyre finished, lookingly hungrily at Mark Prior’s calves.
Eyre is expected to formally accept his new role during Wednesday’s Spring Training drills by getting winded walking up the dugout steps to receive a chocolate medal wrapped in gold foil. As DUFLOOGY, Eyre will also be expected to do the Truffle Shuffle before he is let into the clubhouse each morning.