Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: February 23, 2007

Okay, whores and boars. It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Strip club night! And also, you get your Friday roundup courtesy of yours truly. Without further doo-doo, here we go:

  • The Muskrat points out that I have no choice but to put Hill in the rotation. The guy is on my kid’s fantasy team. Yeah, he took him right after Shawn Estes. There’s gotta be at least 80 teams in my kid’s league. I also made a note on my calendar to forget about what happened to the Cubs in the 2006 season. In hindsight, it seems kind of stupid to write a note about something I’m supposed to forget. It’s almost like it makes me remember…
  • Pitcher Watch: Prior is still not dead, Wood is still not wet, and Marquis is still not good (although Cotts sort of is).
  • This Gordon Wittenmyer has to be stopped. Now he’s fantasizing about my players sitting in the clubhouse in their underwear. The other day, he used a doughnut to try to lure Eyre into the back of one of those white vans. Pervert. Oh, and his article was about Zambrano hitting the shit out of the ball. Do you realize that at the rate he was hitting home runs last year, Z projected to hit 45 over the course of an entire season? Holy balls.
  • This Izturis kid sure is humble. Maybe he’s never caught a glimpse of the size of his ears. He said, “I know who the real Cesar Izturis is. Cesar Izturis is a player that played with the Dodgers, a Gold Glove winner, an All-Star. That’s who Cesar Izturis is. This year, I will stay healthy and they will see that.” Izturis’s story is really inspirational. It’s the story of a young boy who pulled himself up off the streets of Venezuela where, apparently, he was good at baseball, and traveled all the way to America, where he successfully rode the bench for my team. Seriously, until you stop hitting like a pansy, by all means continue sucking your own dick, Dumbo.

That’s all for this Friday. Apparently, these idiot writers are already burnt out from covering the “Ooooooo, Piniella is so much feistier than Dusty” angle. Because that angle was so very clever and original. Hacks.

-Sweet Uncle Lou


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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

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48. Bobby Hill

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53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

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73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

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80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

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86. Matt Karchner

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88. Jose Nieves

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