God damnit. I didn’t get a chance to write this weekend because Daryl Ward sat on my laptop, so now I’m all backed up. I’ll try to catch up. Here we go.
Here I am showing the guys how to swim. In the desert.
Gerry Perry already has these idiots practicing swinging more than they did under Baker. Wait. Wasn’t them swinging too much the whole problem last year? I gotta remember to go talk to Perry.
buggy-whip: (v.) to swing an object rapidly at another object so as to accelerate an second object to a ludicrous speed
Usage: A Boston Globe reporter wrote a completely pointless article, so I buggy-whipped him with my johnson.
“Prior is going to be held back,” I say, two days after tickets go on sale. “Just kidding! Prior is starting our fifth Spring Training game,” I say yesterday. You Cubs fans are too easy. Go wash out your skidmarks.
This dude invented a fridge that catapults your beer into your hand. On a related note, I finally found a use for Marquis.
You know what would be awesome? If Hendry sent Jacque Jones down to the minors during the spring to “get him some more at-bats,” and then never called him back up. That would be as hilarious as the time I pantsed Rothschild in the middle of a practice and started pointing and yelling “Eenie meenie tiny weenie!” Seriously. Tiny.
In case you woke up this morning all optimistic and bright-eyed, keep in mind that I have declared Marquis my number one starter. Ha ha! Just kidding. Only in Spring Training. Seriously, though, Marquis fucking SUCKED last year, and he’s our fifth starter. Not to mention the fact that you probably throw harder than Wade Miller. Now go find yourself a length of rope.
Bruce Miles writes a brilliant article. Why is it brilliant? Because it’s about me. All me. It’s about me kicking ass. It’s about me winning games. It’s about me cock-punching that stupid goat. Read it. Love me.
This article is ridiculous because they didn’t post any of my real answers to the reporter’s questions. The real answers are below.
1. One thing on your nightstand: A box of Big Jimmy Extra-Large Condoms. Some used. Some not.
2. One thing on a wall in your living room: Hendry’s balls.
3. One thing you have in your house from your childhood: Naked pictures of the first girl I banged. When I was 12.
4. Three condiments we would find in your refrigerator: Extra Fucking Spicy Tabasco Sauce, K-Y Jelly, Marshmallow Fluff.
5. Three things we would find in your medicine cabinet: I’ll tell you what you wouldn’t find: Viagra, deodorant, tampons (unlike Prior’s).
6. Do your dirty dishes go in the sink or dishwasher? Back in the cupboard.
7. If you had to save one thing from your home, what would it be? My gun collection <kisses biceps>
8. What is the biggest collection in your home? See #7
9. What reading material would we find in your bathroom? Porn. I like stuff with 2 or 3 chicks.
10. If we looked under your bed, what would we find? Jason Marquis. That guy is in my fucking nightmares.
Wood still looks good. Not that kind of wood, you queers.
Mike Harkey is the new AAA pitching coach. When is this Kermit asshole gonna get to that pansy on his little list?
Oh, crap. I have to get going. I’m late for a “coaches’ meeting.” Yep. I have to go meet Coach Daniels, Coach Walker, and Coach Cuervo. Talk to you soon, fools.
-Sweet Uncle Lou