#85: Ismael “Exxon” Valdez

I assume that, when the Cubs acquired Ismael Valdez from the Dodgers in a trade, they thought they were getting the sub-4.00 ERA guy who generally threw around 200 innings and won around 10 games. Perhaps they were forgetting that Dodger Stadium is a more pitcher-friendly park than Wrigley Field, because instead they got these guys:

Ismael Valdezes

Okay, can any of you throw a decent slider?

The Dodgers got away from Valdez just in the nick of time (except for the part when the Cubs broke him and traded him back to the Dodgers). The Cubs, on the other hand, got the catastrophic oil spill version of Valdez. Valdez got shelled in the 12 starts he made as a Cub in the summer of 2000, giving up 17 homeruns and 27 walks in those starts while compiling a 5.37. But, hey! At least the Cubs got E.Y. in the Valdez trade, too! Right? Right, guys?

Furthermore, Valdez got more blisters on his hands while pitching than a 14-year-old Josh Beckett wearing sandpaper gloves in a Wisconsin cheese-and-porn shop.  The guy’s skin could get rubbed off by a stiff wind.  Thanks to Slaky for reminding me of how fragile Valdez’s hands were.

Low Point: When the Cubs score 15 runs against the Montreal Expos, they should win, right? Especially on a day when Damon Buford homers and Henry Rodriguez has 7 RBIs, right? Right? Ismael Valdez says, “NO!” May 14, 2000. Valdez gives up 9 earned runs, 6 walks, and 3 home runs in 3.2 innings against the Expos. Equally nut-crushing was the fact that the Cubs rallied from 2 down in the top of the 9th to take a 2-run lead into the bottom of the 9th. Rick Aguilera came in and promptly gave up 3. Cubs lose 15-16.

Did You Know? Up until the 2004 season, Valdez spelled his last name “Valdes.” You can run from The Bottom 126, Ismael, but you can’t hide.


6 Responses to “#85: Ismael “Exxon” Valdez”

  1. 1 Slaky February 28, 2007 at 11:02 am

    How do you write about THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE without discussing his crab hands or whatever they called it? He had blisters EVERY FUCKING DAY. Caps drives the point home that I hated this piece of shit.

    Before he was a Cub, he was a Dodger and he completely dominated the Cubs every single time he faced them.

    Fuck this guy with a rusty can opener.

  2. 2 Bad Kermit February 28, 2007 at 11:14 am

    I knew I could count on you to take care of it. That guy was a grade-A pansy.

  3. 3 Slaky February 28, 2007 at 11:55 am

    Hey look! Arne got a shot of Ish soaking his worthless butthole-fingering digits in some solution that’s supposed to toughen up his skin.

  4. 4 Slaky February 28, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Also, since I wasn’t posting here when you entered Jason Bere into Cubs’ lore…fuck him and his FOSH. Loser.

  5. 5 Mike D. February 28, 2007 at 7:44 pm

    What Slaky said.

    When I hear Ismael Valdez, my first thoughts are–seriously–“hands as soft as porcelan”.

    I also happened to be at a game where he drove in the sole run in a 1-0 victory against Montreal. Because he was later stricken, after his RBI, with another debilitating case of blister outbreak and left before 5 innings, it was determined that he was the only starting pitcher–at least as far back as 1990–to have driven in the sole run in a game without sticking around for the “W”.

    Because he had candy hands.

    So there’s that. F@#$ing Ismael Valdez.

  6. 6 Bad Kermit March 2, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    I fixed it for you, Slak.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

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14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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