#84: Doug “Out” Dascenzo

The year was 1988. The team was the Cubs. The player was Doug Dascenzo. The format is simple sentences.

Youse kids like baseball?

Doug Dascenzo, immediately after beating someone to death with a baseball bat. He missed the guy 8 times out of every 10.

How did the Cubs paint themselves into such a corner that Doug Dascenzo ended up being their starting center fielder for the worse better part of the 1992 season? Is it because his baseball card said he played center?

Judo chop!

“I have a blue belt in hitting.”

Dascenzo had one thing going for him. He knew how to draw a walk. Perhaps that’s because, at 5’6″, his strike zone was the size of Cubs’ fans racial tolerance. Since, at 5’6″, Dascenzo hit five career homers, I figure my 5’9″ frame projects for approximately 5.2 Major League homers. Dascenzo gets further abuse for being the original Augie Ojeda, a pet ballplayer who was inexplicably loved by coach Don Zimmer.

Low Point: It doesn’t get much lower than 5’6″, does it? How about the fact that the best moments of Dascenzo’s career came as a pitcher? He pitched 5 innings from 1991 to 1992, allowing no earned runs and striking out two. Was he facing himself?

Did You Know? There is a blog dedicated to the teachings of Doug Dascenzo. It lasted three months and hasn’t been updated for a year, but damnit, it has a cool name.


23 Responses to “#84: Doug “Out” Dascenzo”

  1. 1 bocaj March 1, 2007 at 5:28 pm

    anyone know where i can find a box score on today’s game?

  2. 2 bocaj March 1, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    nevermind…i’m dumb

  3. 3 TDubbs March 2, 2007 at 7:49 am

    Think he banged Ryno’s wife?

  4. 4 Bad Kermit March 2, 2007 at 9:01 am

    He’d be stupid not to.

  5. 5 John March 2, 2007 at 11:08 am

    no mention of the Rob Dibble errant throw? DD laid down a bunt, Dibble charges in, picks it up and beans it towards first, but nailed ole Dougie square in the back. It was quite intentional. I remember laughing.

  6. 6 Bad Kermit March 2, 2007 at 11:31 am

    You guys have great memories. I mean the memories themselves are horrible, but your recall capacity is great.

  7. 7 Pre March 5, 2007 at 10:48 pm

    You left out his pitching career. It’d be like leaving out Babe Ruth’s hitting career.

  8. 8 Bad Kermit March 6, 2007 at 8:20 am


    “How about the fact that the best moments of Dascenzo’s career came as a pitcher? He pitched 5 innings from 1991 to 1992, allowing no earned runs and striking out two. Was he facing himself?”

  9. 9 JT February 9, 2008 at 4:51 am

    Don’t be bitter.

  10. 11 Chad Kyper April 26, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    You guys are just pissed you never played pro ball atleast he was on the field.

  11. 12 Zack January 3, 2009 at 12:32 am

    HOw many at bats have you had in the bigs??

  12. 13 Chad Kyper April 2, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    None, I’m also not the one dogging people that obviously have more talent than me either am I.

  13. 14 Bad Kermit April 2, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Almost a full year between comments defending DOUG DASCENZO? Seriously?

  14. 15 John April 14, 2009 at 8:00 am

    I remember him well, it seemed like I was always watching the Cubs on TV in those days. Dascenzo was an OK player as long as you kept him in the proper role. He was a slick outfielder who couldn’t hit a lick, a perfect defensive replacement type for a team with a butcher in the outfield. But the Cubs asked him to be a regular, and that was too much for him.

    And, of course, he is the greatest relief pitcher in Cubs history, with a perfect career ERA of 0.00. 😉

  15. 16 breezy June 29, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    Doug is my neighbor and his son is my bestfriend… i just spent a whole week with him in fort wayne indianna. he coaches a minor league team there and they are nasty… they are like the yankees in that league. he also may be the manager of the seattle mariners. so suck on those apples bitches.

  16. 18 Joe Torre January 17, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Doug just flat out gets no love.

  17. 20 ji… July 15, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    I just found his rookie card in a box of old cards my stepson just bought

  18. 22 herdfan1979 July 26, 2011 at 8:46 am

    leaving my job, and starting to give a way items from my desk. one item was an 89 topps Doug Dascenzo card. its a reminder to work hard like “lil Doug Dascenzo.. (in a Harry Caray Voice) luckily i have several more!

  1. 1 Apparently Doug Dascenzo didn’t rule?!? | Fueling Fires Trackback on March 15, 2009 at 9:20 pm

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