Are you idiots in panic mode yet? Ha ha ha! I know it’s only Spring Training, but good LORD did we suck today. I didn’t think it was possible to suck that much. How the hell do you give up SEVEN unearned runs? Moore? Cedeno? Can you tell me how you give up seven unearned runs? Do you remember? Scott? Two throwing errors? Ring a bell? Ronny? Your fielding error? You’re not here for your bat, son, and you’re certainly not here for your looks. In fact, you look like a turtle. You’re here to play defense. If you can’t catch the goddamn ball, you’d better start learning how to do whatever the hell they do in Iowa.
I know you’re thinking, “But, Uncle Lou! It’s just one game of Spring Training. Can’t you cut them some slack?” Just one? Just one. Next thing you know, you’re having “just one beer,” getting “just one tattoo,” and doing “just one hit of meth.” And then you’re this guy:
So pardon me for demanding perfection.
But I guess tomorrow’s another day. Isn’t that some profound shit? Who the hell do we have tomorrow, the Angels? Oh joy. I hope that roided-up freak Gary Matthews, Jr. doesn’t snap and start killing people. I only have 85 outfielders on this team (thanks, Jim) and I can’t afford to lose more than 80 of them. See you tomorrow, chumps.
-Sweet Uncle Lou