Another day, another game, another picture of me looking sexy as hell.
My posture says “casual,” but my pants-bulge cries out “passion!”
I have a lot to cover, kids. Apparently, the start of Spring Training is a big deal around here. In Tampa Bay, we tricked the fans into thinking Spring Training lasted through September. It took some of the sting away.
- Note to all idiot Chicago sports writers: When I’m pissed about the shitty fielding from yesterday’s game, DON’T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO EVALUATE SORIANO IN CENTER.
- Speaking of Soriano, Quade is taking him under his wing as he “special project.” Every time I see Quade, I want to say, “Now, open your mind to me!” Anyone? Total Recall? Good flick. Sharon Stone keeps her vagina covered for the whole movie, mainly because she dies 20 minutes into it. Good for her.
- The lineup I put out yesterday might be the one you see on Opening Day. If Murton hits well in the two hole, if Soriano proves he can play center, and if Marquis somehow gets better than Zambrano, it’s exactly the lineup you’ll see. Just kidding about that last one.
- Dempster is a weak-minded, disgusting, cookie-eating slob, but at least he’s not as big a fatass as he was in the offseason.
- That hippie Samardzija may be up in the bigs sooner than you think, particularly since you’re a simpleton. Also, the Muskrat doesn’t understand what “polar opposites” means. She writes, “Asked to compare Weis and Piniella, Samardzija laughed. They are polar opposites, yet very much alike.” Samardzija then says one of us is a little more “in your face.” If that bitch didn’t mean me, he’s going to regret it. That’s the only thing separating me from Weis. Well, that and 250 pounds.
- Even when the team sucks this year, take heart in the fact that our minor league teams were pretty good last year. I’m sure that’ll make you feel better when your White Sox and Cardinals friends are polishing their trophies. And their knobs.
- Barrett is helping Derrek Lee with the charity Lee established to fight the disease his daughter has (see the first link on the right to help out) by donating $10,000 for every home run Barrett hits. Cheap bastard should have donated ten grand for every homer Lee hits. Barrett also cut an initial check to the charity for $50,000. In other news, Barrett knows how to sign his own name. Had me fooled.
- Art Spander says the Sports Illustrated jinx shouldn’t mean anything to us, because the very existence of the Cubs is why we suck. Being from the Bay area, I’m sure Art knows all about sucking. In case that was too vague, I’m talking about him liking the cock.
Anyhow, I have to get out to the field. Zambrano said he was going to pitch this afternoon’s game left-handed, because right-handed is getting too easy. I have to go talk him out of it. Later, asswipes.
-Sweet Uncle Lou