Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 6, 2007

Well, laa-dee-fucking-daa, we won a game! Lots of catching up to do. Sorry I didn’t write over the weekend, but I was too busy shitting bricks about this team. Good God. When you people say “curse,” you just mean “this team sucks at everything fundamental about the game of baseball,” right?

Never forget.

Don’t think we’ve forgotten about Pearl Harbor, you son of a bitch.

Zambrano has already lost his fucking mind, saying that we’re going to win the World Series. This team couldn’t win the College World Series. Of course, hardly any of them went to college. Except Prior and Samardzija. And of those two, one acts like a girl, and the other one has pretty hair like a girl, so shove your schoolbooks straight up your ass. What was I saying again? Oh, yeah. Z is nuts.

To recap our pitching: Wood has an 18″ penis, Lilly looked very good, Marquis is guaranteed to suck, Zambrano is guaranteed to be awesome, and you might want to consider selling any of your autographed Prior memorabilia now before it’s too late.

Not that it’s news, but Ozzie Guillen is a complete ramrod. I’ll have more on that story later, but take it from me. I’m going to enjoy bending him over a Gatorade jug six times this year. Cover your bunghole, mang.

I hope you bastards tuned in yesterday to watch me on “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.” You didn’t? Yeah, I guess that Gumbel is pretty annoying. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even watch it. It was bad enough sitting through the interview.

So, the Tribune, Buster Olney, and this crappy rag ALL ran stories over the weekend about a Fire Lou Piniella site, and not ONE of them mentioned this site. Yet this site does! What the hell is a “Desipio”?! Ha ha! Fuck you, Kermit!

Felix Pie is pretty good, but I’m worried. With a name like that, it’s only a matter of time before Hendry puts a big scoop of ice cream on his head and devours him.

Did I mention I’m already sick of this shit?

Oh, and if you were wondering, former Cub Jerry Hairston Jr. had to have been using the wrong kind of performance-enhancing drug. His performance was about as enhanced as mine in bed after drinking whiskey for 10 straight hours.

Funny story. I walked into the clubhouse the other day, and Barrett was freaking beating the hell out of his junk with a baseball bat! I grabbed him, and I was like, “Barrett, what the fuck are you doing?!” He said, “I’m testing out this new cup I bought to protect my damaged balls. It doesn’t seem to work very well.” I looked down at the bench next to him, and I said, “You mean that cup?!” He looked all sick, and then he passed out. Jesus, he’s not too bright, is he?

Well, I have to run. Me and Rothschild are going to take Prior on a snipe hunt. A long, looooooooong snipe hunt.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

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10 Responses to “Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 6, 2007”


  1. 1 al March 6, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    i hadnt seen one of these for awhile and thought that maybe hendry sat on your laptop this time instead of ward

  2. 2 Sweet Uncle Lou March 6, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    I got to “Hendry sat on your lap” and passed out from the thought.

  3. 3 CT March 6, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    Barrett’s dumb as a stump, but I love the big lug.

  4. 4 Bad Kermit March 6, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    That’s offensive to stumps.

    I support stumps!

  5. 5 CT March 6, 2007 at 1:28 pm

    Tree stumps or bloody stumps?

  6. 7 CT March 6, 2007 at 2:25 pm

    Have you scheduled a day for the MEP yet?

  7. 8 Flem March 6, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    Tough luck so far, Lou. Are you planning any inspirational speeches if you lose to Milwaukee today? I recommend the “let’s give ’em a soggy shit sandwich” speech from Major League.

  8. 9 CT March 6, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    So now that you guys are going big time over at Desipio, does this mean there won’t be any more updates here?

    I need to know who the bottom 78 Cubs ever are!

  9. 10 Bad Kermit March 6, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    Just fill in the last 78 third basemen that I haven’t already named.

    Don’t worry. I’m not abandoning you. Lou might, but he’s a prick.


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Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

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Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

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9. Antonio Alfonseca

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