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The Bottom 126 Continues on!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.


Sosa Seeks “Happy Ending” in Texas; FLP! Suggests Avoiding “Sunny Side Up Massage” in Arlington; SO Not What We Expected

ARLINGTON, Tex.–Former slugger Sammy Sosa, out of baseball since the 2005 season, is looking to revitalize his career in the place where it all started. Sosa worked out Tuesday in Arlington for the Texas Rangers, where his career began eighteen years ago.

After hitting .221 with only 14 home runs for Baltimore in 2005, Sosa wants to stage a comeback so that his career can have a happy ending. Sosa’s career has been seen frequenting several therapeutic massage parlors seeking that happy ending.


So far, Sosa’s career has had no luck in its search, despite suggesting to several masseuses such code phrases as “happy ending,” “the house special,” “the champagne room,” and “please touch my bathing suit area.” Fire Lou Piniella! will stay with the story and provide driving directions and a car pool list if Sosa’s career finds its happy ending.

St. Louis Gets 2009 All-Star Game; Future Headline: All-Star Game Spectators Get Staph Infections

ST. LOUIS–The 2009 All-Star Game will take place in the new Busch Stadium. The decision was made by Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig after Gary, Indiana, Newark, New Jersey, and Compton, California failed to get their bids in on time for consideration.

Busch league.
Busch: The Champagne of Crotch Sweat

Baseball insiders suspect that Selig’s selection of St. Louis to host the game, which will take place two years after Selig’s projected retirement, is a sick joke on Selig’s successor, who will be forced to attend the game. Interviews with Selig partially confirmed such suspicions. “No, it’s going to be really, really great,” Selig said, pretending to cough as he covered a snicker. “I mean, there can’t be a better baseball town in America,” Selig said shortly before he was joined in uproarious laughter by a cadre of reporters.

“I mean, they’re SOOOOOO intelligent and love baseball SOOOOO much!” Selig continued, chortling. “What other team’s fans would have had the thoughtfulness to give Ken Griffey, Jr. a standing ovation when he hit his 500th home run? On Lou Brock bobblehead day, no less!” Selig practically shouted over the peals of laughter. “And to top it off! Consummate professional and excellent broadcaster Joe Buck is a Cardinals fan. He’ll tell you what a great baseball city St. Louis is!” Selig finished before excusing himself from the press conference, red-faced and teary-eyed.

After Selig’s announcement, Andy MacPhail and Bob Costas withdrew their names from consideration for serving as the next Commissioner of Baseball.

Q: What Was That You Just Felt? A: Jerome Williams Landing in Washington

WASHINGTON–The Washington Nationals, needing pitching as desperately as Lou Piniella needs sensitivity lessons, have signed former Cub Jerome Williams to a one-year, $500,000 contract.

That is one fat ass.
Don’t be sad you’re gone, Jerome. We’re all racist here in Chicago, anyhow.

In case Cubs fans have forgotten how terrible Williams was last season, here is his terribleness in all its glory:

Williams, who gets a one-year deal paying him $500,000 in the majors and $90,000 in the minors, went 0-2 with a 7.30 ERA in five appearances with the Chicago Cubs last season. He was optioned in April to Triple-A Iowa, where he was 5-7 with a 4.76 ERA. The Oakland Athletics claimed Williams off waivers in September, then declined to tender him a contract offer last month.

Barroid Fails Amphetamine Test; Drugs Traced Back to Chicago’s South Side

NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker.

Fire Lou Piniella! sought to debunk Bond’s statement, and thoroughly investigated the incident. FLP! was able to trace the amphetamines all the way back to the South Side of Chicago, where they had been produced in a meth lab on 35th Street.

Meth lab by day.  Congregation of idiots by night.
AP picture of the meth lab.

Jays’ Thomson Celebrates Festivus Late

TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield:

As far as just looking at Paul Lo Duca across the field, I’m not really into how he acts behind the plate. I know a bit about [Toronto catcher] Gregg Zaun and I know he wants to win and he’s not going to let anything get in his way to do that, and I like that. And then with Vernon Wells in center field, I’m not really concerned about the outfield with him out there. … Just watching the Mets’ outfield, if Cliff Floyd is still there it’s not a real good fit for him out there. He can hit the ball, but as far as defense, he’s a little shaky.

I’m normally not one to condone criticizing other players, particularly when you’re only making $500,000 a year in a market where Jason Marquis is getting paid to pitch. Real money. Possibly some of my money.

In this case, I will make an exception, though, since Paul Lo Duca (and every other Met) is a douchebag.

Thomson’s bold statements touched off an Airing of Grievances on the North Side which has not been seen since Lee Elia’s famous tirade.

Fire Lou Piniella! was lucky enough to have a transcript of Lou Piniella’s Airing of Grievances. Here are some of the excerpts:

  • On the ushers at Wrigley. How the hell did that Mick Donough find enough people around during the last time the Cubs won the series to hire an entire ushering staff?
  • On the Bleacher Bums. What the hell is with all these frat boy c@#$suckers sitting in the bleachers with their polo collars up in the air and their aviator sunglasses? Christ, you’d get your ass kicked if you wore that sh@# in the bleachers back when I was playing. Not by the other fans, but by the players. We’d climb up into the stands in the middle of a play just to beat your sissy little a$$es.
  • On Cesar Izturis. Christ, don’t get me started on what’s wrong with this guy. Is it possible to have a negative on base percentage? Good glove, no-hit my f@#$ing a$$. And what the f@#$ is up with his ears? I don’t know whether to pencil him into the starting lineup or hop on his back and drive him home from the game.
  • On Jim Hendry. Did you know there are three guys on this fata$$’s 40-man roster named Rocky Cherry, Clay Rapada, and Buck Coats? Where the f@#$ is he finding these guys? Rocky Cherry is a f@#$ing ice cream flavor, for f@#$’s sake! No. Worse that that. It’s a frozen f@#$ing yogurt flavor. No, worse. It’s a f@#$ing frogurt flavor. Clay Rapada? Wasn’t that the a$$hole who was banging the fat black guy on that singing show? And I’m pretty God damn sure that I’ve seen Buck Coats in a few pornos.
  • On large contracts. Holy s@#$ did you see the kind of money Soriano got? And that Zito kid? Christ, in my day we played for our meals. If you didn’t get a hit that day, you didn’t eat. F@#$, we should put that fat-a$$ Ohman on that diet. “If you can’t get out the one God damn lefty we make you face in a game, you don’t eat, you fat f@#$.”
  • Cubs players could not be reached for comment, as Piniella had sent them all on a search for an aluminum Festivus pole. The players are expected to attend tomorrow’s Feats of Strength, where they will take turns trying to pin Piniella in a wrestling match.

    Ripken, Gwynn Voted Into Hall; McGwire Excluded, Given Year’s Supply of Proactiv as Consolation

    NEW YORK–The Hall of Fame ballots have been counted, and first-year candidates Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into baseball’s most prestigious club.

    Left out of the Hall was first-year candidate Mark McGwire, who socked 583 home runs during his career. McGwire’s chances were hurt by his rumored connection to performance-enhancing drugs and by the fact that he was a Trojan and a Cardinal.

    McGwire’s name appeared on a mere 23.5 percent of the ballots cast, far short of the requisite 75 percent required for induction. As a consolation prize, the voters chipped in to buy McGwire a year’s supply of a different type of performance-enhancing drug, Proactiv.

    It’s okay, Mark. Your bust would have read like Braille, anyhow.

    Gentleman, five-tool athlete, great teammate, and, by all accounts, terrific human being, Andre Dawson received 56.7 percent of the vote, down from the 61 percent he received last year. Wrigley Ville is still fighting the good fight for Dawson, but I am saddened to think he may be fighting a losing battle.

    Goose Gossage fell just short of induction, garnering 71.2 percent of the vote. Other notable names who failed to attain the necessary 75 percent were Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris, and Tommy John. Goatriders has a good article about how these guys should all be inducted, as well, if the Hall of Fame voters weren’t collectively such a bloated piece of crap.

    Who is Lou offending today?

    Ozzie Guillen, mang.

    How Angry Is Lou Today?

    Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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    The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

    1. Todd Hundley

    2. Neifi Perez

    3. Alex Gonzalez

    4. LaTroy Hawkins

    5. Fred McGriff

    6. Corey Patterson

    7. Mel Rojas

    8. Jeff Blauser

    9. Antonio Alfonseca

    10. Juan Pierre

    11. Shawn Estes

    12. Felix Heredia

    13. Julian Tavarez

    14. Kyle Farnsworth

    15. Mark Prior

    16. Kent Mercker

    17. Moises Alou

    18. Dave Veres

    19. Jose Macias

    20. Lenny Harris

    21. Jose Hernandez

    22. Jacque Jones

    23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

    24. Freddy Bynum

    25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

    26. Scott Williamson

    27. Tony Womack

    28. Andy Pratt

    29. Will Ohman

    30. Phil Nevin

    31. Jeff Fassero

    32. Ronny Cedeno

    33. Brant Brown

    34. Roosevelt Brown

    35. Jason Dubois

    36. Wade Miller

    37. Mark Guthrie

    38. Sergio Mitre

    39. Juan Cruz

    40. Gabor Paul II Bako

    41. Ryan Dempster

    42. Mike Remlinger

    43. Glendon Rusch

    44. Nomar Garciaparra

    45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

    46. Matt Clement

    47. Gary Gaetti

    48. Bobby Hill

    49. Benito Santiago

    50. Jerome Williams

    51. Roberto Novoa

    52. David Kelton

    53. Todd Wellemeyer

    54. Shane Andrews

    55. Darrin Jackson

    56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

    57. John Mabry

    58. Curtis Wilkerson

    59. Hee Seop Choi

    60. Cesar Izturis

    61. Rick Wilkins

    62. Jon Garland

    63. Augie Ojeda

    64. Jerome Walton

    65. Jae Kuk Ryu

    66. Todd Hollandsworth

    67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

    68. Willie Greene

    69. Michael Tucker

    70. Damon Berryhill

    71. Jon Leicester

    72. Mitch Webster

    73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

    74. Jody Gerut

    75. Jim Sundberg

    76. Steve Buechele

    77. Darren Lewis

    78. Rey Ordonez

    79. Marvell Wynne

    80. Tyler Houston

    81. Amaury Telemaco

    82. Kevin Roberson

    83. Damian Jackson

    84. Doug Dascenzo

    85. Ismael Valdez

    86. Matt Karchner

    87. Jeff Huson

    88. Jose Nieves

    89. Ross Gload

    90. Chad Hermansen

    91. Luis Salazar

    92. Mike Hubbard

    93. Delino DeShields

    94. Matt Lawton

    95. Howard Johnson

    96. Rondell White

    97. Turk Wendell

    98. Ray King

    99. Gary Scott

    100. Steve Rain

    101. Kevin Orie

    102. Rey Sanchez

    103. Francis Beltran

    104. Paul Noce

    105. Enrique Wilson

    106. Ruben Quevedo

    107. Damon Buford

    108. Brooks Kieschnick

    109. Damian Miller

    110. Scott Bullett

    111. Rick Aguilera

    112. Chad Meyers

    113. Gary Varsho

    114. Jason Bere

    115. Troy O'Leary

    116. Chico Walker

    117. Rick Wrona

    118. Leo Gomez

    119. Chris Stynes

    120. Dan Plesac

    121. Robert Machado

    122. Julio Zuleta

    123. Todd Zeile

    124. Chad Fox

    125. Adam Greenberg

    126. Sandy Martinez

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