I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'Around the MLB' Category
Sosa Seeks “Happy Ending” in Texas; FLP! Suggests Avoiding “Sunny Side Up Massage” in Arlington; SO Not What We ExpectedPublished January 18, 2007 Around the MLB , Definitely Used Steroids Leave a Comment
ARLINGTON, Tex.–Former slugger Sammy Sosa, out of baseball since the 2005 season, is looking to revitalize his career in the place where it all started. Sosa worked out Tuesday in Arlington for the Texas Rangers, where his career began eighteen years ago.
After hitting .221 with only 14 home runs for Baltimore in 2005, Sosa wants to stage a comeback so that his career can have a happy ending. Sosa’s career has been seen frequenting several therapeutic massage parlors seeking that happy ending.
So far, Sosa’s career has had no luck in its search, despite suggesting to several masseuses such code phrases as “happy ending,” “the house special,” “the champagne room,” and “please touch my bathing suit area.” Fire Lou Piniella! will stay with the story and provide driving directions and a car pool list if Sosa’s career finds its happy ending.
ST. LOUIS–The 2009 All-Star Game will take place in the new Busch Stadium. The decision was made by Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig after Gary, Indiana, Newark, New Jersey, and Compton, California failed to get their bids in on time for consideration.
Baseball insiders suspect that Selig’s selection of St. Louis to host the game, which will take place two years after Selig’s projected retirement, is a sick joke on Selig’s successor, who will be forced to attend the game. Interviews with Selig partially confirmed such suspicions. “No, it’s going to be really, really great,” Selig said, pretending to cough as he covered a snicker. “I mean, there can’t be a better baseball town in America,” Selig said shortly before he was joined in uproarious laughter by a cadre of reporters.
“I mean, they’re SOOOOOO intelligent and love baseball SOOOOO much!” Selig continued, chortling. “What other team’s fans would have had the thoughtfulness to give Ken Griffey, Jr. a standing ovation when he hit his 500th home run? On Lou Brock bobblehead day, no less!” Selig practically shouted over the peals of laughter. “And to top it off! Consummate professional and excellent broadcaster Joe Buck is a Cardinals fan. He’ll tell you what a great baseball city St. Louis is!” Selig finished before excusing himself from the press conference, red-faced and teary-eyed.
After Selig’s announcement, Andy MacPhail and Bob Costas withdrew their names from consideration for serving as the next Commissioner of Baseball.
WASHINGTON–The Washington Nationals, needing pitching as desperately as Lou Piniella needs sensitivity lessons, have signed former Cub Jerome Williams to a one-year, $500,000 contract.
In case Cubs fans have forgotten how terrible Williams was last season, here is his terribleness in all its glory:
Williams, who gets a one-year deal paying him $500,000 in the majors and $90,000 in the minors, went 0-2 with a 7.30 ERA in five appearances with the Chicago Cubs last season. He was optioned in April to Triple-A Iowa, where he was 5-7 with a 4.76 ERA. The Oakland Athletics claimed Williams off waivers in September, then declined to tender him a contract offer last month.
NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker.
Fire Lou Piniella! sought to debunk Bond’s statement, and thoroughly investigated the incident. FLP! was able to trace the amphetamines all the way back to the South Side of Chicago, where they had been produced in a meth lab on 35th Street.
TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield:
As far as just looking at Paul Lo Duca across the field, I’m not really into how he acts behind the plate. I know a bit about [Toronto catcher] Gregg Zaun and I know he wants to win and he’s not going to let anything get in his way to do that, and I like that. And then with Vernon Wells in center field, I’m not really concerned about the outfield with him out there. … Just watching the Mets’ outfield, if Cliff Floyd is still there it’s not a real good fit for him out there. He can hit the ball, but as far as defense, he’s a little shaky.
I’m normally not one to condone criticizing other players, particularly when you’re only making $500,000 a year in a market where Jason Marquis is getting paid to pitch. Real money. Possibly some of my money.
Thomson’s bold statements touched off an Airing of Grievances on the North Side which has not been seen since Lee Elia’s famous tirade.
Fire Lou Piniella! was lucky enough to have a transcript of Lou Piniella’s Airing of Grievances. Here are some of the excerpts:
Cubs players could not be reached for comment, as Piniella had sent them all on a search for an aluminum Festivus pole. The players are expected to attend tomorrow’s Feats of Strength, where they will take turns trying to pin Piniella in a wrestling match.
NEW YORK–The Hall of Fame ballots have been counted, and first-year candidates Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into baseball’s most prestigious club.
Left out of the Hall was first-year candidate Mark McGwire, who socked 583 home runs during his career. McGwire’s chances were hurt by his rumored connection to performance-enhancing drugs and by the fact that he was a Trojan and a Cardinal.
McGwire’s name appeared on a mere 23.5 percent of the ballots cast, far short of the requisite 75 percent required for induction. As a consolation prize, the voters chipped in to buy McGwire a year’s supply of a different type of performance-enhancing drug, Proactiv.
Gentleman, five-tool athlete, great teammate, and, by all accounts, terrific human being, Andre Dawson received 56.7 percent of the vote, down from the 61 percent he received last year. Wrigley Ville is still fighting the good fight for Dawson, but I am saddened to think he may be fighting a losing battle.
Goose Gossage fell just short of induction, garnering 71.2 percent of the vote. Other notable names who failed to attain the necessary 75 percent were Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris, and Tommy John. Goatriders has a good article about how these guys should all be inducted, as well, if the Hall of Fame voters weren’t collectively such a bloated piece of crap.