Archive for the 'Big Z' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Arbitration Breathes Sigh of Relief as Zambrano, Cubs Reach 1-Year Deal

The Cubs and Carlos Zambrano agreed to a one-year, $12.4M contract Tuesday. Arbitration lives to fight another day.

Terrified Arbitration Tries to Avoid Zambrano

CHICAGO–Arbitration is scheduled for Tuesday between Carlos Zambrano and the Chicago Cubs. And Arbitration is not happy about it.

“Are you kidding me? I don’t want that lunatic [Zambrano] coming to an arbitration hearing!” Arbitration said in an interview on Monday. “I bet he’s the type who makes his points more emphatic by beating on the conference table,” a shaking Arbitration said. “I just can’t handle that type of abuse.”

“We have a good track record of avoiding Arbitration,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “There has been no history of Arbitration trying to avoid us, but we’ll see what we can get worked out.”

“Hendry and I had a deal!” a frantic Arbitration yelled. “He didn’t let Farnsworth anywhere near me, and it should be the same for all of these lunatic pitchers! I wouldn’t mind Prior. He probably calmly reads his good qualities from a yellow-lined legal pad and just cries if he doesn’t get his way, but keep Zambrano the hell away from me!”

Arbitration is spending his time between now and tomorrow in his office with the lights off and the blinds closed.

Zambrano Issues Ultimatum, Inadvertently Creates Second and Third Entity

CHICAGO–Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano issued an ultimatum this week, saying that he will leave unless the Cubs sign him before the 2007 season.

During the interview, Zambrano referred to himself in two different ways in the third person, accidentally creating two new entities. “Whatever happens, I don’t want to know [anything] about a contract during the season. I want to sign with the Cubs before the season starts,” Zambrano said in the interview. “If they don’t sign me, sorry, but I must go. That’s what Carlos Zambrano thinks,” Zambrano said, looking over his shoulder at a smiling Carlos Zambrano, who nodded approvingly.

“[Cubs general manager] Jim [Hendry] spent a lot of money. I hope he has more for ‘Big Z,'” Zambrano added, as “Big Z” pantomimed a throat-cutting motion to Zambrano.

The Three Zs

Pictured (left to right): Carlos Zambrano, Carlos Zambrano (with “R”s properly rolled), and Big Z

Hendry feels that the Cubs will get the deal with Zambrano done, but is not sure whether there will be similar deals for “Carlos Zambrano” and “Big Z.” “We’ll see what we can get done,” Hendry said. “We could certainly use a legitimate number 2 and number 3 starter, and if these two guys can pitch like Zambrano, we’d love to have them.”

Molony Thinks “Big Z” Can Win 20; Big Z Says, “Thinks? He’s full of Molony.”

MLB.com writer Jim Molony thinks that Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano has the potential to win 20 games in 2007. Upon hearing the news Zambrano, who has spent the offseason living at the rim of Mauna Loa, an active volcano in the Hawaiian Islands, scoffed. “Thinks?” Zambrano asked, shifting from one foot to another to alleviate the intense heat rising from the molten rock flowing just underground. “He’s full of Molony. He must ‘think’ that the earth is round and that the sun rises in the east,” Zambrano continued, crunching on a piece of volcanic rock for nutrition.

“I will win 33 games in 2007, not including the playoffs,” Zambrano declared as a bird flying overhead dropped dead at his feet from the intense heat. Zambrano quickly devoured the bird. “If there is one thing that living on this volcano has taught me, it’s that I haven’t been tough enough in the past, which has caused me to lose games,” Zambrano continued, deeply inhaling the toxic mixture of hydrogen sulphide and hydrogen chloride spewing from the mouth of the volcano.

“In 2007, I will not lose,” Zambrano concluded, wiping a bit of sweat from his brow as one reporter’s eyeballs melted in their sockets.  “I guarantee it.”

Cubs to Lose Arbitration Hearing with Zambrano

CHICAGO–Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano asked for $15.5M in 2007. The Cubs offered $11.025M.

I sweat blood.
Don’t sweat, Carlos. You’ll get your money.

Pay the man what he’s worth, Jim. If Theodore Roosevelt Lilly is worth $10M/year, Biz Z is a steal at $15.5M/year.

Zambrano’s Worth

After the Barry Zito signing, many Cubs fans are up in arms about whether the Cubs will be able to retain the soon-to-be-very-expensive Carlos Zambrano. Zito is durable, but if he is $18-million-per-year good, expect Carlos Zambrano to get- well- more than that. Substantially more.

LUKE: The reward would be-

HAN: What?

LUKE: Well, more wealth that you can imagine.

HAN: I don’t know. I can imagine quite a bit.

Carlos imagines no possessions.
Zambrano imagines quite a bit.

There’s no really interesting news around baseball, so Fire Lou Piniella! would like to wish you a happy and safe New Year’s Eve/Day.


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

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Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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