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The Bottom 126 Continues on!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.


Pujols Becomes American Citizen, Immediately Files for Welfare

ST. LOUIS–St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols scored a perfect 100% on his American citizenship test, and was sworn in as an American citizen Wednesday.

Pujols was captured on film only moments later waiting in line at the welfare office.

100 pursent!!!

One hunnert pur sent!

Congratulations, asshole.

St. Louis Gets 2009 All-Star Game; Future Headline: All-Star Game Spectators Get Staph Infections

ST. LOUIS–The 2009 All-Star Game will take place in the new Busch Stadium. The decision was made by Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig after Gary, Indiana, Newark, New Jersey, and Compton, California failed to get their bids in on time for consideration.

Busch league.
Busch: The Champagne of Crotch Sweat

Baseball insiders suspect that Selig’s selection of St. Louis to host the game, which will take place two years after Selig’s projected retirement, is a sick joke on Selig’s successor, who will be forced to attend the game. Interviews with Selig partially confirmed such suspicions. “No, it’s going to be really, really great,” Selig said, pretending to cough as he covered a snicker. “I mean, there can’t be a better baseball town in America,” Selig said shortly before he was joined in uproarious laughter by a cadre of reporters.

“I mean, they’re SOOOOOO intelligent and love baseball SOOOOO much!” Selig continued, chortling. “What other team’s fans would have had the thoughtfulness to give Ken Griffey, Jr. a standing ovation when he hit his 500th home run? On Lou Brock bobblehead day, no less!” Selig practically shouted over the peals of laughter. “And to top it off! Consummate professional and excellent broadcaster Joe Buck is a Cardinals fan. He’ll tell you what a great baseball city St. Louis is!” Selig finished before excusing himself from the press conference, red-faced and teary-eyed.

After Selig’s announcement, Andy MacPhail and Bob Costas withdrew their names from consideration for serving as the next Commissioner of Baseball.

Death, Taxes Roll Eyes as Clemens’ Agent Announces He’s “More than 50-50” to Return

HOUSTON–Roger Clemens’ agent Randy Hendricks has indicated that Clemens is likely going to pitch next year.

I’ll always remember you for the one magical afternoon that you got owned by Kerry Wood and killed Hee Seop Choi.

Upon hearing of the news, Death yawned and smiled saying, “Roger’s at it again, huh? Who would have thought he’d string everyone along for another offseason and then announce at an inconvenient time that he’s ready to come back? I sure wouldn’t have suspected that. If you see Rog, tell him I’ll see him in a couple of years.”

Taxes was similarly unimpressed. “He’s doing the whole ‘I might be done but I’m probably going to be back, since steroids have greatly helped me prolong my career’ thing again? That is so Roger!”

In other news, the sun came up this morning, water is wet, and Cardinals fans are idiots.

Ripken, Gwynn Voted Into Hall; McGwire Excluded, Given Year’s Supply of Proactiv as Consolation

NEW YORK–The Hall of Fame ballots have been counted, and first-year candidates Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into baseball’s most prestigious club.

Left out of the Hall was first-year candidate Mark McGwire, who socked 583 home runs during his career. McGwire’s chances were hurt by his rumored connection to performance-enhancing drugs and by the fact that he was a Trojan and a Cardinal.

McGwire’s name appeared on a mere 23.5 percent of the ballots cast, far short of the requisite 75 percent required for induction. As a consolation prize, the voters chipped in to buy McGwire a year’s supply of a different type of performance-enhancing drug, Proactiv.

It’s okay, Mark. Your bust would have read like Braille, anyhow.

Gentleman, five-tool athlete, great teammate, and, by all accounts, terrific human being, Andre Dawson received 56.7 percent of the vote, down from the 61 percent he received last year. Wrigley Ville is still fighting the good fight for Dawson, but I am saddened to think he may be fighting a losing battle.

Goose Gossage fell just short of induction, garnering 71.2 percent of the vote. Other notable names who failed to attain the necessary 75 percent were Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris, and Tommy John. Goatriders has a good article about how these guys should all be inducted, as well, if the Hall of Fame voters weren’t collectively such a bloated piece of crap.

Pujols Rips Howard New Poo Hole; No, Not Opie

ST. LOUIS–Despite Ryan Howard’s superior numbers, more pleasant demeanor, less pharmaceutically enhanced physique, and Howard’s Phillies’ better regular season record in a far more difficult NL East, Albert Pujols was up to his whining ways on Wednesday, crying about how the NL MVP should have gone to a player on a team that made the playoffs. Sources close to Pujols could not confirm who he would have chosen as the MVP, as Pujols was too busy attempting to fellate himself to answer that question.

For the third consecutive year, Pujols is making a strong case for himself to finally supplant nine-time winner Barry Bonds for the biggest asshole in Major League Baseball.

Howard’s 2006 numbers were nearly as good or better than Pujols’ in virtually every category, and Howard led the Philadelphia Phillies to two more wins than Pujols’ Cardinal team. The Phillies play in the NL East, considered to be the toughest division in the National League in 2006. The Cardinals play in the NL Central, considered to be the easiest division in the National League in this century.

Don’t try telling Pujols about statistics or team achievements, though. “The MVP should come from a playoff team,” Pujols said in broken English, kicking a three-legged puppy out of his way as he did so. “Pujols deserves the MVP. If it weren’t for Pujols, Pujols’ crappy team wouldn’t have won the World Series,” Pujols continued while exchanging high-fives and needles with Albert Belle, Gary Sheffield, Michael Irvin, Barry Bonds, O.J. Simpson, and an autographed picture of Adolph Hitler.

“FLP!” is still trying to confirm that Pujols has ever, in fact, played in the World Series. So far, investigators have found only two World Series RBIs allegedly credited to Pujols’ name.

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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