Archive for the ' Keep Cramming Sunshine up Your Ass' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.


Piniella Says He’ll Stress “Fundamentals”; Hendry Later Seen Flipping through Dictionary Under “F”

MESA, Ariz.–New Cubs manager Lou Piniella will stress fundamentals during Spring Training. According to Piniella:

Fundamentals will be an important part of camp, and baserunning will be an important part of camp, [as well as] making sure we can bunt and making sure we can field our positions. You work at these things, and if you work and prepare yourself, you have a much better chance to win baseball games, and that’s what I’m here for.

After Piniella’s comments, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry sat at a press conference consulting a dictionary and said, “I think I’m really looking forward to a fresh start. Fresh. Freshen. Freshet. We’re looking forward… forewarn, forewaste… to that first day and putting [last year] totally behind us forever. Forevermore. Foreverness. Forewarm. Ah! Here it is! ‘Fundamental’! It says, ‘noun: the harmonic component of a complex wave that has the lowest frequency and commonly the greatest amplitude.’ Oh, [expletive], Lou’s drunk again.”

Cubs Come to Terms With Prior by Using Terms “Injury-Prone,” “Pansy,” and “Tampon”

CHICAGO–The Cubs have thankfully reached an agreement with right-handed towel-thrower Mark Prior. The announcement comes just weeks before Prior’s inevitable season-ending injury. The Cubs have not yet released the terms of the agreement, but sources close to Jim Hendry expect that the deal will include a lifetime supply of Always and a DVD copy of The Bridges of Madison County.

Oh snap!

Mark Prior: Snapping into a hot tub near you. Summer, 2007.

Cedeno, Desperate to Avoid “Bottom 126,” Hits Stride in Winter; Cubs Surprised He Can Hit Anything

VENEZUELA–Cubs shortstop Ronnie Cedeno is hacking away in the Venezuelan Winter League, leading the league in several postseason hitting categories. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry is pleased with Cedeno’s play.

Focus and go slowly.

Cedeno focuses intently on making contact with two teammates’ fists simultaneously.

“Cedeno is really hitting his stride,” Hendry said. “It’s a good thing he started hitting before we were forced to trade a future Hall of Fame pitcher for a slap-hitting shortstop to fill the void at short,” Hendry continued, rolling his eyes. “It’s also a good thing ‘his stride’ isn’t shaped like a baseball.”

“Yeah, you really want to peak in the Venezuelan Winter League playoffs,” Hendry continued, his voice beginning to rise. “Because that’ll save a lot of people’s jobs if you hit the snot out of the ball down in Venezuela when no one, including me, is watching.”

Increased Ticket Prices! Commemorative Bricks! Crappy Bands! “Meet Cubs Business Management” Seminar a Success!

CHICAGO–It’s a good thing everyone in Chicago was watching the Bears dismantle the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, because if anyone had stuck around to listen to the “Meet Cubs Business Management” Seminar at the Cubs Convention, they would have heard the following:

  • Single-game tickets will increase $2 apiece, and the premium seats — the Dugout Box, Bullpen Box and Bleacher Box seats — will increase $5 apiece. 66-96 last year, and the ticket prices increase? Cubs fever! Get vaccinated!
  • Cubs management expects to begin installing the commemorative brick pavers in March. Fans who purchased the bricks will receive a grid map showing where their brick is located. Maps will also be sent to all of their friends, so that purchasers may be relentlessly mocked for connecting their name to the Cubs franchise for eternity.
  • The team is still working out details regarding a concert at the ballpark during the All-Star break and was “hopeful” to have the Dave Matthews Band perform. And by “perform,” management meant, “take a steaming dump in the middle of the infield.”
  • The seminar sounded like a great way to wrap up the Cubs Convention, especially after the Cubs had to cancel the originally planned three-hour-long, “Conversation with Ronnie Woo-Woo.” Did anyone go to this seminar? Says Cubs Near Deal With Floyd; Fire Lou Piniella! Enters Wayback Machine, Returns to Simpler Time When Story was Fresh

    CHICAGO–The Cubs are allegedly close to signing a one-year deal with free agent and Chicago native Cliff Floyd. In response to the article, Fire Lou Piniella! entered its wayback machine to December of 2006.

    Chicago was wondering whether the Bears’ asses would be crowned, Jack Bauer was still being tortured in China, Saddam Hussein was still alive, and the weekly “Cubs Near Deal with Floyd” story was being run for the first time. Yes, times were simpler then.

    At least it’s not his groin.
    I, for one, can’t wait for the Cliff Floyd Era!

    Sources close to Jim Hendry say this deal will be wrapped up by mid-August. Of 2009.

    Cubs to Lose Arbitration Hearing with Zambrano

    CHICAGO–Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano asked for $15.5M in 2007. The Cubs offered $11.025M.

    I sweat blood.
    Don’t sweat, Carlos. You’ll get your money.

    Pay the man what he’s worth, Jim. If Theodore Roosevelt Lilly is worth $10M/year, Biz Z is a steal at $15.5M/year.

    Who is Lou offending today?

    Ozzie Guillen, mang.

    How Angry Is Lou Today?

    Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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    Older Posts

    The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

    1. Todd Hundley

    2. Neifi Perez

    3. Alex Gonzalez

    4. LaTroy Hawkins

    5. Fred McGriff

    6. Corey Patterson

    7. Mel Rojas

    8. Jeff Blauser

    9. Antonio Alfonseca

    10. Juan Pierre

    11. Shawn Estes

    12. Felix Heredia

    13. Julian Tavarez

    14. Kyle Farnsworth

    15. Mark Prior

    16. Kent Mercker

    17. Moises Alou

    18. Dave Veres

    19. Jose Macias

    20. Lenny Harris

    21. Jose Hernandez

    22. Jacque Jones

    23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

    24. Freddy Bynum

    25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

    26. Scott Williamson

    27. Tony Womack

    28. Andy Pratt

    29. Will Ohman

    30. Phil Nevin

    31. Jeff Fassero

    32. Ronny Cedeno

    33. Brant Brown

    34. Roosevelt Brown

    35. Jason Dubois

    36. Wade Miller

    37. Mark Guthrie

    38. Sergio Mitre

    39. Juan Cruz

    40. Gabor Paul II Bako

    41. Ryan Dempster

    42. Mike Remlinger

    43. Glendon Rusch

    44. Nomar Garciaparra

    45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

    46. Matt Clement

    47. Gary Gaetti

    48. Bobby Hill

    49. Benito Santiago

    50. Jerome Williams

    51. Roberto Novoa

    52. David Kelton

    53. Todd Wellemeyer

    54. Shane Andrews

    55. Darrin Jackson

    56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

    57. John Mabry

    58. Curtis Wilkerson

    59. Hee Seop Choi

    60. Cesar Izturis

    61. Rick Wilkins

    62. Jon Garland

    63. Augie Ojeda

    64. Jerome Walton

    65. Jae Kuk Ryu

    66. Todd Hollandsworth

    67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

    68. Willie Greene

    69. Michael Tucker

    70. Damon Berryhill

    71. Jon Leicester

    72. Mitch Webster

    73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

    74. Jody Gerut

    75. Jim Sundberg

    76. Steve Buechele

    77. Darren Lewis

    78. Rey Ordonez

    79. Marvell Wynne

    80. Tyler Houston

    81. Amaury Telemaco

    82. Kevin Roberson

    83. Damian Jackson

    84. Doug Dascenzo

    85. Ismael Valdez

    86. Matt Karchner

    87. Jeff Huson

    88. Jose Nieves

    89. Ross Gload

    90. Chad Hermansen

    91. Luis Salazar

    92. Mike Hubbard

    93. Delino DeShields

    94. Matt Lawton

    95. Howard Johnson

    96. Rondell White

    97. Turk Wendell

    98. Ray King

    99. Gary Scott

    100. Steve Rain

    101. Kevin Orie

    102. Rey Sanchez

    103. Francis Beltran

    104. Paul Noce

    105. Enrique Wilson

    106. Ruben Quevedo

    107. Damon Buford

    108. Brooks Kieschnick

    109. Damian Miller

    110. Scott Bullett

    111. Rick Aguilera

    112. Chad Meyers

    113. Gary Varsho

    114. Jason Bere

    115. Troy O'Leary

    116. Chico Walker

    117. Rick Wrona

    118. Leo Gomez

    119. Chris Stynes

    120. Dan Plesac

    121. Robert Machado

    122. Julio Zuleta

    123. Todd Zeile

    124. Chad Fox

    125. Adam Greenberg

    126. Sandy Martinez

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