I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'Cubs.com-We Keep Cramming Sunshine up Your Ass' Category
MESA, Ariz.–New Cubs manager Lou Piniella will stress fundamentals during Spring Training. According to Piniella:
Fundamentals will be an important part of camp, and baserunning will be an important part of camp, [as well as] making sure we can bunt and making sure we can field our positions. You work at these things, and if you work and prepare yourself, you have a much better chance to win baseball games, and that’s what I’m here for.
After Piniella’s comments, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry sat at a press conference consulting a dictionary and said, “I think I’m really looking forward to a fresh start. Fresh. Freshen. Freshet. We’re looking forward… forewarn, forewaste… to that first day and putting [last year] totally behind us forever. Forevermore. Foreverness. Forewarm. Ah! Here it is! ‘Fundamental’! It says, ‘noun: the harmonic component of a complex wave that has the lowest frequency and commonly the greatest amplitude.’ Oh, [expletive], Lou’s drunk again.”
CHICAGO–The Cubs have thankfully reached an agreement with right-handed towel-thrower Mark Prior. The announcement comes just weeks before Prior’s inevitable season-ending injury. The Cubs have not yet released the terms of the agreement, but sources close to Jim Hendry expect that the deal will include a lifetime supply of Always and a DVD copy of The Bridges of Madison County.
Mark Prior: Snapping into a hot tub near you. Summer, 2007.
VENEZUELA–Cubs shortstop Ronnie Cedeno is hacking away in the Venezuelan Winter League, leading the league in several postseason hitting categories. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry is pleased with Cedeno’s play.
Cedeno focuses intently on making contact with two teammates’ fists simultaneously.
“Cedeno is really hitting his stride,” Hendry said. “It’s a good thing he started hitting before we were forced to trade a future Hall of Fame pitcher for a slap-hitting shortstop to fill the void at short,” Hendry continued, rolling his eyes. “It’s also a good thing ‘his stride’ isn’t shaped like a baseball.”
“Yeah, you really want to peak in the Venezuelan Winter League playoffs,” Hendry continued, his voice beginning to rise. “Because that’ll save a lot of people’s jobs if you hit the snot out of the ball down in Venezuela when no one, including me, is watching.”
Increased Ticket Prices! Commemorative Bricks! Crappy Bands! “Meet Cubs Business Management” Seminar a Success!Published January 22, 2007 Cubs.com-We Keep Cramming Sunshine up Your Ass , McDonough and Donough , The Front Orifice 3 Comments
CHICAGO–It’s a good thing everyone in Chicago was watching the Bears dismantle the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, because if anyone had stuck around to listen to the “Meet Cubs Business Management” Seminar at the Cubs Convention, they would have heard the following:
The seminar sounded like a great way to wrap up the Cubs Convention, especially after the Cubs had to cancel the originally planned three-hour-long, “Conversation with Ronnie Woo-Woo.” Did anyone go to this seminar?
Cubs.com Says Cubs Near Deal With Floyd; Fire Lou Piniella! Enters Wayback Machine, Returns to Simpler Time When Story was FreshPublished January 22, 2007 Cubs.com-We Keep Cramming Sunshine up Your Ass , Let's Blame Hendry! , The Sucky Cubs Roster Leave a Comment
CHICAGO–The Cubs are allegedly close to signing a one-year deal with free agent and Chicago native Cliff Floyd. In response to the article, Fire Lou Piniella! entered its wayback machine to December of 2006.
Chicago was wondering whether the Bears’ asses would be crowned, Jack Bauer was still being tortured in China, Saddam Hussein was still alive, and the weekly “Cubs Near Deal with Floyd” story was being run for the first time. Yes, times were simpler then.
Sources close to Jim Hendry say this deal will be wrapped up by mid-August. Of 2009.
CHICAGO–Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano asked for $15.5M in 2007. The Cubs offered $11.025M.
Pay the man what he’s worth, Jim. If Theodore Roosevelt Lilly is worth $10M/year, Biz Z is a steal at $15.5M/year.