I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'Definitely Used Steroids' Category
ST. LOUIS–St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols scored a perfect 100% on his American citizenship test, and was sworn in as an American citizen Wednesday.
Pujols was captured on film only moments later waiting in line at the welfare office.
One hunnert pur sent!
Sosa Seeks “Happy Ending” in Texas; FLP! Suggests Avoiding “Sunny Side Up Massage” in Arlington; SO Not What We ExpectedPublished January 18, 2007 Around the MLB , Definitely Used Steroids Leave a Comment
ARLINGTON, Tex.–Former slugger Sammy Sosa, out of baseball since the 2005 season, is looking to revitalize his career in the place where it all started. Sosa worked out Tuesday in Arlington for the Texas Rangers, where his career began eighteen years ago.
After hitting .221 with only 14 home runs for Baltimore in 2005, Sosa wants to stage a comeback so that his career can have a happy ending. Sosa’s career has been seen frequenting several therapeutic massage parlors seeking that happy ending.
So far, Sosa’s career has had no luck in its search, despite suggesting to several masseuses such code phrases as “happy ending,” “the house special,” “the champagne room,” and “please touch my bathing suit area.” Fire Lou Piniella! will stay with the story and provide driving directions and a car pool list if Sosa’s career finds its happy ending.
YOKOHAMA, Jap.–Former Cubs slugger and superstar Sammy Sosa has finally bottomed out. Certainly, it was evident that his stock had significantly dropped when the Cubs dumped him on the Baltimore Orioles for Jerry Hairston, Jr. And certainly it didn’t help that none of the thirty Major League teams offered him a Major League contract last season.
But this is the bottom.
From the article:
According to an interview in Chunichi Sports, an unnamed player personnel official with the Yokohama Bay Stars called a recent attempt by Sosa’s agent to get him a roster spot with the team for a $500,000 salary as endeavoring “to perpetrate fraud on us.”
In addition, the bigwig expressed strong doubts about the former Cub’s character. Alluding to the still unproven rumor that Sosa took steroids as well as the corked bat incident, he smirked, “guys who use performance enhancing drugs and break the rules aren’t real sportsmen.”
He then elaborated, “besides, he’s fat now. Where would we play him? He would probably go home in two months.”
In the first paragraph, he called Sosa a criminal. In the second, he called him a juicing, cheating, bad sport. In the third, he called him a quitting fatty.
Oh, Sammy. Just come home and find solace in the check-swinging arms of Mark Grace.
HOUSTON–Roger Clemens’ agent Randy Hendricks has indicated that Clemens is likely going to pitch next year.
Upon hearing of the news, Death yawned and smiled saying, “Roger’s at it again, huh? Who would have thought he’d string everyone along for another offseason and then announce at an inconvenient time that he’s ready to come back? I sure wouldn’t have suspected that. If you see Rog, tell him I’ll see him in a couple of years.”
Taxes was similarly unimpressed. “He’s doing the whole ‘I might be done but I’m probably going to be back, since steroids have greatly helped me prolong my career’ thing again? That is so Roger!”
In other news, the sun came up this morning, water is wet, and Cardinals fans are idiots.
NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker.
Fire Lou Piniella! sought to debunk Bond’s statement, and thoroughly investigated the incident. FLP! was able to trace the amphetamines all the way back to the South Side of Chicago, where they had been produced in a meth lab on 35th Street.
NEW YORK–The Hall of Fame ballots have been counted, and first-year candidates Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into baseball’s most prestigious club.
Left out of the Hall was first-year candidate Mark McGwire, who socked 583 home runs during his career. McGwire’s chances were hurt by his rumored connection to performance-enhancing drugs and by the fact that he was a Trojan and a Cardinal.
McGwire’s name appeared on a mere 23.5 percent of the ballots cast, far short of the requisite 75 percent required for induction. As a consolation prize, the voters chipped in to buy McGwire a year’s supply of a different type of performance-enhancing drug, Proactiv.
Gentleman, five-tool athlete, great teammate, and, by all accounts, terrific human being, Andre Dawson received 56.7 percent of the vote, down from the 61 percent he received last year. Wrigley Ville is still fighting the good fight for Dawson, but I am saddened to think he may be fighting a losing battle.
Goose Gossage fell just short of induction, garnering 71.2 percent of the vote. Other notable names who failed to attain the necessary 75 percent were Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris, and Tommy John. Goatriders has a good article about how these guys should all be inducted, as well, if the Hall of Fame voters weren’t collectively such a bloated piece of crap.