Archive for the 'Definitely Used Steroids' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Pujols Becomes American Citizen, Immediately Files for Welfare

ST. LOUIS–St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols scored a perfect 100% on his American citizenship test, and was sworn in as an American citizen Wednesday.

Pujols was captured on film only moments later waiting in line at the welfare office.

100 pursent!!!

One hunnert pur sent!

Congratulations, asshole.

Sosa Seeks “Happy Ending” in Texas; FLP! Suggests Avoiding “Sunny Side Up Massage” in Arlington; SO Not What We Expected

ARLINGTON, Tex.–Former slugger Sammy Sosa, out of baseball since the 2005 season, is looking to revitalize his career in the place where it all started. Sosa worked out Tuesday in Arlington for the Texas Rangers, where his career began eighteen years ago.

After hitting .221 with only 14 home runs for Baltimore in 2005, Sosa wants to stage a comeback so that his career can have a happy ending. Sosa’s career has been seen frequenting several therapeutic massage parlors seeking that happy ending.

Subtle.

So far, Sosa’s career has had no luck in its search, despite suggesting to several masseuses such code phrases as “happy ending,” “the house special,” “the champagne room,” and “please touch my bathing suit area.” Fire Lou Piniella! will stay with the story and provide driving directions and a car pool list if Sosa’s career finds its happy ending.

Sosa Too Fat for Japanese Ball; Grace Puts Sosa on Speed Dial

YOKOHAMA, Jap.–Former Cubs slugger and superstar Sammy Sosa has finally bottomed out. Certainly, it was evident that his stock had significantly dropped when the Cubs dumped him on the Baltimore Orioles for Jerry Hairston, Jr. And certainly it didn’t help that none of the thirty Major League teams offered him a Major League contract last season.

But this is the bottom.

From the article:

According to an interview in Chunichi Sports, an unnamed player personnel official with the Yokohama Bay Stars called a recent attempt by Sosa’s agent to get him a roster spot with the team for a $500,000 salary as endeavoring “to perpetrate fraud on us.”

In addition, the bigwig expressed strong doubts about the former Cub’s character. Alluding to the still unproven rumor that Sosa took steroids as well as the corked bat incident, he smirked, “guys who use performance enhancing drugs and break the rules aren’t real sportsmen.”

He then elaborated, “besides, he’s fat now. Where would we play him? He would probably go home in two months.”

In the first paragraph, he called Sosa a criminal. In the second, he called him a juicing, cheating, bad sport. In the third, he called him a quitting fatty.

Oh dear.
What has the world done to you, sweet prince?

Oh, Sammy. Just come home and find solace in the check-swinging arms of Mark Grace.

Death, Taxes Roll Eyes as Clemens’ Agent Announces He’s “More than 50-50” to Return

HOUSTON–Roger Clemens’ agent Randy Hendricks has indicated that Clemens is likely going to pitch next year.

Douche.
I’ll always remember you for the one magical afternoon that you got owned by Kerry Wood and killed Hee Seop Choi.

Upon hearing of the news, Death yawned and smiled saying, “Roger’s at it again, huh? Who would have thought he’d string everyone along for another offseason and then announce at an inconvenient time that he’s ready to come back? I sure wouldn’t have suspected that. If you see Rog, tell him I’ll see him in a couple of years.”

Taxes was similarly unimpressed. “He’s doing the whole ‘I might be done but I’m probably going to be back, since steroids have greatly helped me prolong my career’ thing again? That is so Roger!”

In other news, the sun came up this morning, water is wet, and Cardinals fans are idiots.

Barroid Fails Amphetamine Test; Drugs Traced Back to Chicago’s South Side

NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker.

Fire Lou Piniella! sought to debunk Bond’s statement, and thoroughly investigated the incident. FLP! was able to trace the amphetamines all the way back to the South Side of Chicago, where they had been produced in a meth lab on 35th Street.

Meth lab by day.  Congregation of idiots by night.
AP picture of the meth lab.

Ripken, Gwynn Voted Into Hall; McGwire Excluded, Given Year’s Supply of Proactiv as Consolation

NEW YORK–The Hall of Fame ballots have been counted, and first-year candidates Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into baseball’s most prestigious club.

Left out of the Hall was first-year candidate Mark McGwire, who socked 583 home runs during his career. McGwire’s chances were hurt by his rumored connection to performance-enhancing drugs and by the fact that he was a Trojan and a Cardinal.

McGwire’s name appeared on a mere 23.5 percent of the ballots cast, far short of the requisite 75 percent required for induction. As a consolation prize, the voters chipped in to buy McGwire a year’s supply of a different type of performance-enhancing drug, Proactiv.

Yikes.
It’s okay, Mark. Your bust would have read like Braille, anyhow.

Gentleman, five-tool athlete, great teammate, and, by all accounts, terrific human being, Andre Dawson received 56.7 percent of the vote, down from the 61 percent he received last year. Wrigley Ville is still fighting the good fight for Dawson, but I am saddened to think he may be fighting a losing battle.

Goose Gossage fell just short of induction, garnering 71.2 percent of the vote. Other notable names who failed to attain the necessary 75 percent were Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris, and Tommy John. Goatriders has a good article about how these guys should all be inducted, as well, if the Hall of Fame voters weren’t collectively such a bloated piece of crap.


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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