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The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Arbitration Breathes Sigh of Relief as Zambrano, Cubs Reach 1-Year Deal

The Cubs and Carlos Zambrano agreed to a one-year, $12.4M contract Tuesday. Arbitration lives to fight another day.

Gene Wojoch- Wojcho- Wochjo- Ah, Fuck it, Some Jerk at ESPN Writes Timely Article on Cubs Convention

The 2007 Cubs Convention ended almost 3 weeks ago, but don’t tell that to Gene Wojciechowski, who finally got around to weighing in with his thoughts on the Convention. Don’t bother reading it. I’ll sum it up:

  • Piniella promised some crazy old man wearing a license plate that the Cubs will be a good fundamental club.
  • Gene: “I felt the worst for the little kids, their eyes filled with innocent wonder as they waited happily in line for autographs and photo ops with their favorite players. You wanted to pull them aside and gently explain that there are less painful hobbies than following the Cubs, such as plunging knitting needles into your inner ear canal.So, Gene wanted to abduct children at the Convention and encourage them to mutilate themselves? I’m calling To Catch a Predator.
  • Gene: “This was the first year the passes featured the blue, block-lettered W on the front, in honor of the “Win” flag flown at Wrigley Field after a victory. Last season, that flag flew a grand total of 66 times, the third-lowest number in the majors.” I would guess that 66 is by far the highest number of times a team flew a white flag with a blue, block-lettered W on the front after a victory, actually. You fail your own article, Gene.
  • Gene: “ That’s why Piniella is here, and Dusty Baker now works for ESPN.” Yes, Gene. He works WITH YOU at ESPN. You are going to have some seriously awkward run-ins with Dusty in the cafeteria.
  • Gene: “Who knows if this [spending] is going to work?” Clearly not you. Why did you write this article again?
  • Gene says that the fans Simon Cowell’ed the front office. How clever.
  • Gene references Old Style. He knows his target audience so well!
  • Gene finishes the article with the stale stories that you read three weeks ago. You know. When the Convention was going on. And he takes a shot about the Cubs fans being skeptical because the team is nearing its “second 100-year rebuilding plan.”

Whenever I read an article like this, I have a seizure. But then, when I calm down, I think of the scene from Animal House when Otter says, “He can’t do that to our pledges,” and Boon says, “Only we can do that to our pledges.” Get bent, Gene, and leave the mocking of the Cubs to those who truly understand them.

Baker Inks 2-Year ESPN Deal; Will Serve as Analysist, Therapist

BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.

Dusty Baker, M.D., Analrapist

Baker’s new business card.

Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.

“Piniella’s Intriguing!” Reports “Wrigleyville 23,” Reporting on an ESPN Report

Since I hate all things ESPN, I would have never found this story, so go over to Wrigleyville 23 and read about Piniella’s intriguing managerial storyline.

Jays’ Thomson Celebrates Festivus Late

TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield:

As far as just looking at Paul Lo Duca across the field, I’m not really into how he acts behind the plate. I know a bit about [Toronto catcher] Gregg Zaun and I know he wants to win and he’s not going to let anything get in his way to do that, and I like that. And then with Vernon Wells in center field, I’m not really concerned about the outfield with him out there. … Just watching the Mets’ outfield, if Cliff Floyd is still there it’s not a real good fit for him out there. He can hit the ball, but as far as defense, he’s a little shaky.

I’m normally not one to condone criticizing other players, particularly when you’re only making $500,000 a year in a market where Jason Marquis is getting paid to pitch. Real money. Possibly some of my money.

In this case, I will make an exception, though, since Paul Lo Duca (and every other Met) is a douchebag.

Thomson’s bold statements touched off an Airing of Grievances on the North Side which has not been seen since Lee Elia’s famous tirade.

Fire Lou Piniella! was lucky enough to have a transcript of Lou Piniella’s Airing of Grievances. Here are some of the excerpts:

  • On the ushers at Wrigley. How the hell did that Mick Donough find enough people around during the last time the Cubs won the series to hire an entire ushering staff?
  • On the Bleacher Bums. What the hell is with all these frat boy c@#$suckers sitting in the bleachers with their polo collars up in the air and their aviator sunglasses? Christ, you’d get your ass kicked if you wore that sh@# in the bleachers back when I was playing. Not by the other fans, but by the players. We’d climb up into the stands in the middle of a play just to beat your sissy little a$$es.
  • On Cesar Izturis. Christ, don’t get me started on what’s wrong with this guy. Is it possible to have a negative on base percentage? Good glove, no-hit my f@#$ing a$$. And what the f@#$ is up with his ears? I don’t know whether to pencil him into the starting lineup or hop on his back and drive him home from the game.
  • On Jim Hendry. Did you know there are three guys on this fata$$’s 40-man roster named Rocky Cherry, Clay Rapada, and Buck Coats? Where the f@#$ is he finding these guys? Rocky Cherry is a f@#$ing ice cream flavor, for f@#$’s sake! No. Worse that that. It’s a frozen f@#$ing yogurt flavor. No, worse. It’s a f@#$ing frogurt flavor. Clay Rapada? Wasn’t that the a$$hole who was banging the fat black guy on that singing show? And I’m pretty God damn sure that I’ve seen Buck Coats in a few pornos.
  • On large contracts. Holy s@#$ did you see the kind of money Soriano got? And that Zito kid? Christ, in my day we played for our meals. If you didn’t get a hit that day, you didn’t eat. F@#$, we should put that fat-a$$ Ohman on that diet. “If you can’t get out the one God damn lefty we make you face in a game, you don’t eat, you fat f@#$.”
  • Cubs players could not be reached for comment, as Piniella had sent them all on a search for an aluminum Festivus pole. The players are expected to attend tomorrow’s Feats of Strength, where they will take turns trying to pin Piniella in a wrestling match.

    Big Unit Gets $26M Extension; No News on Girth

    NEW YORK–On Sunday, the Arizona Diamondbacks and Randy Johnson agreed to a two-year, $26 million dollar contract, making it likely that the Big Unit will end his career as a snake.

    Diamondbacks general manager Josh Byrnes was thrilled to have the Big Unit back in the Diamondbacks’ folds. “When you get a guy whose name carries the kind of girth that Johnson’s does,” Byrnes said, “You obviously get really excited.”

    Byrnes was hopeful that Johnson would retire a Diamondback. “We wanted to restructure the contract so that we could lock up the Big Unit in our little box for the rest of his baseball life,” Byrnes said.

    Johnson was happy with the contract extension, but did not regret his two seasons in the Bronx. “In gorge- I’m sorry. In George [Steinbrenner], you had a guy who was a winner, who knew how to win, and who was willing to go to great lengths to do so. But I’m also happy to be returning back home to the Diamondbacks.”

    Johnson pitched brilliantly for the Diamondbacks from 1999 through 2004, including winning the co-MVP of the 2001 World Series with Curt Schilling, when the two led the Diamondbacks past the Yankees in a thrilling seven-game series. “I’ll never forget watching Schilling and the Big Unit double team the Yankees and helping the snakes come out on top,” Byrnes said without a hint of sarcasm. “Having the Big Unit back in 2007 will be a great fit for the whole team.”


    Who is Lou offending today?

    Ozzie Guillen, mang.

    How Angry Is Lou Today?

    Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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    The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

    1. Todd Hundley

    2. Neifi Perez

    3. Alex Gonzalez

    4. LaTroy Hawkins

    5. Fred McGriff

    6. Corey Patterson

    7. Mel Rojas

    8. Jeff Blauser

    9. Antonio Alfonseca

    10. Juan Pierre

    11. Shawn Estes

    12. Felix Heredia

    13. Julian Tavarez

    14. Kyle Farnsworth

    15. Mark Prior

    16. Kent Mercker

    17. Moises Alou

    18. Dave Veres

    19. Jose Macias

    20. Lenny Harris

    21. Jose Hernandez

    22. Jacque Jones

    23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

    24. Freddy Bynum

    25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

    26. Scott Williamson

    27. Tony Womack

    28. Andy Pratt

    29. Will Ohman

    30. Phil Nevin

    31. Jeff Fassero

    32. Ronny Cedeno

    33. Brant Brown

    34. Roosevelt Brown

    35. Jason Dubois

    36. Wade Miller

    37. Mark Guthrie

    38. Sergio Mitre

    39. Juan Cruz

    40. Gabor Paul II Bako

    41. Ryan Dempster

    42. Mike Remlinger

    43. Glendon Rusch

    44. Nomar Garciaparra

    45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

    46. Matt Clement

    47. Gary Gaetti

    48. Bobby Hill

    49. Benito Santiago

    50. Jerome Williams

    51. Roberto Novoa

    52. David Kelton

    53. Todd Wellemeyer

    54. Shane Andrews

    55. Darrin Jackson

    56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

    57. John Mabry

    58. Curtis Wilkerson

    59. Hee Seop Choi

    60. Cesar Izturis

    61. Rick Wilkins

    62. Jon Garland

    63. Augie Ojeda

    64. Jerome Walton

    65. Jae Kuk Ryu

    66. Todd Hollandsworth

    67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

    68. Willie Greene

    69. Michael Tucker

    70. Damon Berryhill

    71. Jon Leicester

    72. Mitch Webster

    73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

    74. Jody Gerut

    75. Jim Sundberg

    76. Steve Buechele

    77. Darren Lewis

    78. Rey Ordonez

    79. Marvell Wynne

    80. Tyler Houston

    81. Amaury Telemaco

    82. Kevin Roberson

    83. Damian Jackson

    84. Doug Dascenzo

    85. Ismael Valdez

    86. Matt Karchner

    87. Jeff Huson

    88. Jose Nieves

    89. Ross Gload

    90. Chad Hermansen

    91. Luis Salazar

    92. Mike Hubbard

    93. Delino DeShields

    94. Matt Lawton

    95. Howard Johnson

    96. Rondell White

    97. Turk Wendell

    98. Ray King

    99. Gary Scott

    100. Steve Rain

    101. Kevin Orie

    102. Rey Sanchez

    103. Francis Beltran

    104. Paul Noce

    105. Enrique Wilson

    106. Ruben Quevedo

    107. Damon Buford

    108. Brooks Kieschnick

    109. Damian Miller

    110. Scott Bullett

    111. Rick Aguilera

    112. Chad Meyers

    113. Gary Varsho

    114. Jason Bere

    115. Troy O'Leary

    116. Chico Walker

    117. Rick Wrona

    118. Leo Gomez

    119. Chris Stynes

    120. Dan Plesac

    121. Robert Machado

    122. Julio Zuleta

    123. Todd Zeile

    124. Chad Fox

    125. Adam Greenberg

    126. Sandy Martinez

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