I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'ESPN: Get Your Unbiased Sports News Elsewhere' Category
The Cubs and Carlos Zambrano agreed to a one-year, $12.4M contract Tuesday. Arbitration lives to fight another day.
Gene Wojoch- Wojcho- Wochjo- Ah, Fuck it, Some Jerk at ESPN Writes Timely Article on Cubs ConventionPublished February 9, 2007 ESPN: Get Your Unbiased Sports News Elsewhere , Why Piniella Sucks 8 Comments
The 2007 Cubs Convention ended almost 3 weeks ago, but don’t tell that to Gene Wojciechowski, who finally got around to weighing in with his thoughts on the Convention. Don’t bother reading it. I’ll sum it up:
- Piniella promised some crazy old man wearing a license plate that the Cubs will be a good fundamental club.
- Gene: “I felt the worst for the little kids, their eyes filled with innocent wonder as they waited happily in line for autographs and photo ops with their favorite players. You wanted to pull them aside and gently explain that there are less painful hobbies than following the Cubs, such as plunging knitting needles into your inner ear canal.” So, Gene wanted to abduct children at the Convention and encourage them to mutilate themselves? I’m calling To Catch a Predator.
- Gene: “This was the first year the passes featured the blue, block-lettered W on the front, in honor of the “Win” flag flown at Wrigley Field after a victory. Last season, that flag flew a grand total of 66 times, the third-lowest number in the majors.” I would guess that 66 is by far the highest number of times a team flew a white flag with a blue, block-lettered W on the front after a victory, actually. You fail your own article, Gene.
- Gene: “ That’s why Piniella is here, and Dusty Baker now works for ESPN.” Yes, Gene. He works WITH YOU at ESPN. You are going to have some seriously awkward run-ins with Dusty in the cafeteria.
- Gene: “Who knows if this [spending] is going to work?” Clearly not you. Why did you write this article again?
- Gene says that the fans Simon Cowell’ed the front office. How clever.
- Gene references Old Style. He knows his target audience so well!
- Gene finishes the article with the stale stories that you read three weeks ago. You know. When the Convention was going on. And he takes a shot about the Cubs fans being skeptical because the team is nearing its “second 100-year rebuilding plan.”
Whenever I read an article like this, I have a seizure. But then, when I calm down, I think of the scene from Animal House when Otter says, “He can’t do that to our pledges,” and Boon says, “Only we can do that to our pledges.” Get bent, Gene, and leave the mocking of the Cubs to those who truly understand them.
BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.
Baker’s new business card.
Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.
Since I hate all things ESPN, I would have never found this story, so go over to Wrigleyville 23 and read about Piniella’s intriguing managerial storyline.
TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield:
As far as just looking at Paul Lo Duca across the field, I’m not really into how he acts behind the plate. I know a bit about [Toronto catcher] Gregg Zaun and I know he wants to win and he’s not going to let anything get in his way to do that, and I like that. And then with Vernon Wells in center field, I’m not really concerned about the outfield with him out there. … Just watching the Mets’ outfield, if Cliff Floyd is still there it’s not a real good fit for him out there. He can hit the ball, but as far as defense, he’s a little shaky.
I’m normally not one to condone criticizing other players, particularly when you’re only making $500,000 a year in a market where Jason Marquis is getting paid to pitch. Real money. Possibly some of my money.
Thomson’s bold statements touched off an Airing of Grievances on the North Side which has not been seen since Lee Elia’s famous tirade.
Fire Lou Piniella! was lucky enough to have a transcript of Lou Piniella’s Airing of Grievances. Here are some of the excerpts:
Cubs players could not be reached for comment, as Piniella had sent them all on a search for an aluminum Festivus pole. The players are expected to attend tomorrow’s Feats of Strength, where they will take turns trying to pin Piniella in a wrestling match.
NEW YORK–On Sunday, the Arizona Diamondbacks and Randy Johnson agreed to a two-year, $26 million dollar contract, making it likely that the Big Unit will end his career as a snake.
Diamondbacks general manager Josh Byrnes was thrilled to have the Big Unit back in the Diamondbacks’ folds. “When you get a guy whose name carries the kind of girth that Johnson’s does,” Byrnes said, “You obviously get really excited.”
Byrnes was hopeful that Johnson would retire a Diamondback. “We wanted to restructure the contract so that we could lock up the Big Unit in our little box for the rest of his baseball life,” Byrnes said.
Johnson was happy with the contract extension, but did not regret his two seasons in the Bronx. “In gorge- I’m sorry. In George [Steinbrenner], you had a guy who was a winner, who knew how to win, and who was willing to go to great lengths to do so. But I’m also happy to be returning back home to the Diamondbacks.”
Johnson pitched brilliantly for the Diamondbacks from 1999 through 2004, including winning the co-MVP of the 2001 World Series with Curt Schilling, when the two led the Diamondbacks past the Yankees in a thrilling seven-game series. “I’ll never forget watching Schilling and the Big Unit double team the Yankees and helping the snakes come out on top,” Byrnes said without a hint of sarcasm. “Having the Big Unit back in 2007 will be a great fit for the whole team.”