Archive for the 'Ex-Cubs' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Santo on Suicide Watch

Former Cubs third baseman Ron Santo came up five votes shy of being inducted by the Veterans Committee into the Hall of Fame.

Santo

Santo’s family could not be reached for comment, as they were packing up all of the sharp objects in Santo’s home, cutting all rope into 3-foot lengths, throwing away their toasters, permanently disabling their garage door opener with the door stuck in an open position, and throwing away all DVD copies of This Old Cub.

The Veterans Committee, made up of colossal douchebags like Joe Morgan and Mike Schmidt, did not elect anyone into the 2007 Hall of Fame class. Santo received the most votes (57) of any players on the ballot for 69.5% of the vote. He was 5 votes shy of the requisite 75%.

Jeff Fassero, We Knew Ye Too Well

Farewell, Jeff Fassero. May your days be as long as your 38-pitch innings. May your nights be as quiet as Wrigley Field after you blow a five-run lead. May the road always rise to meet you, like a mediocre hitter’s bat meeting your fastball and driving it out of the park. May your fortunes be as many as your chins, and may you live as many years as your ranking on the Bottom 126.

Bubble gum and pitching at the same time? BRILLIANT!

The thing I’ll remember most about Jeff was his obsession with bubble gum. That and the horrible pitching.

Dawson, Sandberg, Bauer Discuss 2007 Cubs

DES MOINES, Iowa–Former Cubs Andre Dawson and Ryne Sandberg were at the Iowa Cubs’ Fan Fest 2007 this Saturday, and both had some interesting things to say about the Cubs’ offseason acquisitions, as Wrigleyville 23 pointed out.

According to Dawson:

They made some good acquisitions considering what was out there (for free-agent talent). But I still think there is work to be done.

According to Sandberg:

They were very aggressive this winter, but they had a lot of work to do after the last two seasons. I don’t know if a quick fix will work, but in the future it’s important that the Cubs get more players out of their own system.

The Des Moines Register failed to cover the most interesting part of the story, when federal agent Jack Bauer checked in on the Cubs’ offseason activity. Fire Lou Piniella! was fortunate enough to ask a few questions of Bauer.

Why do you always start the season with a beard?
Bearded Jack: Bad for ratings.

Q: Good afternoon, Mr. Bauer. How are you doing?

A: Today is the longest day of my life.

Q: I’m sorry to hear that. Is it okay if we begin?

A: Fine. But let’s get something straight. The only reason you’re conscious right now is because I don’t want to carry you.

Q: I understand. So, can we begin?

A: The only way you’re going to get answers is if I tell them to you.

Q: Good point. So, what do you think some of the acquisitions the Cubs have made this offseason.

A: Gimme a name!

Q: Okay. Alfonso Soriano. Do you think he’ll enjoy being in Chicago?

A: We’ll make sure he doesn’t turn the gun on himself.

Q: What about Jason Marquis?

A: I want you to point a gun at his chest and pull the trigger now.

Q: Yeah, me too. What do you think about rooting for the Cubs?

A: A few years ago, my wife was killed because of my rooting for the Cubs. My daughter has never been the same since. This last year… well, you know what I went through watching this team. What’d I get for it? A pat on the back. In the end, a demotion and a heroin habit. I’m tired of putting my ass on the line for nothing. I’m DONE putting my ass on the line for nothing.

Q: So, you think the Cubs will be better this year?

A: There are things in this world which are out of our control. Sometimes we like to blame ourselves for them so we can try to make sense out of them.

Q: Don’t you think you’re sort of selling me short with a vague answer like that?

A: You betrayed me, too, I’m just better at it than you.

Q: Well, at least tell me what you think of the website.

A: I know you think what you’re doing is right. But it is my job not to let that happen.

Q: You’re going to prevent me from getting Lou fired? How?

A: You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.

Q: I bet I don’t. Well, can you at least tell me what you think about Lou?

A: You’re out of time!

Q: I guess that’s a “no.” Well, thank you for your time.

A: It’s been an honor.

Sosa Too Fat for Japanese Ball; Grace Puts Sosa on Speed Dial

YOKOHAMA, Jap.–Former Cubs slugger and superstar Sammy Sosa has finally bottomed out. Certainly, it was evident that his stock had significantly dropped when the Cubs dumped him on the Baltimore Orioles for Jerry Hairston, Jr. And certainly it didn’t help that none of the thirty Major League teams offered him a Major League contract last season.

But this is the bottom.

From the article:

According to an interview in Chunichi Sports, an unnamed player personnel official with the Yokohama Bay Stars called a recent attempt by Sosa’s agent to get him a roster spot with the team for a $500,000 salary as endeavoring “to perpetrate fraud on us.”

In addition, the bigwig expressed strong doubts about the former Cub’s character. Alluding to the still unproven rumor that Sosa took steroids as well as the corked bat incident, he smirked, “guys who use performance enhancing drugs and break the rules aren’t real sportsmen.”

He then elaborated, “besides, he’s fat now. Where would we play him? He would probably go home in two months.”

In the first paragraph, he called Sosa a criminal. In the second, he called him a juicing, cheating, bad sport. In the third, he called him a quitting fatty.

Oh dear.
What has the world done to you, sweet prince?

Oh, Sammy. Just come home and find solace in the check-swinging arms of Mark Grace.

Q: What Was That You Just Felt? A: Jerome Williams Landing in Washington

WASHINGTON–The Washington Nationals, needing pitching as desperately as Lou Piniella needs sensitivity lessons, have signed former Cub Jerome Williams to a one-year, $500,000 contract.

That is one fat ass.
Don’t be sad you’re gone, Jerome. We’re all racist here in Chicago, anyhow.

In case Cubs fans have forgotten how terrible Williams was last season, here is his terribleness in all its glory:

Williams, who gets a one-year deal paying him $500,000 in the majors and $90,000 in the minors, went 0-2 with a 7.30 ERA in five appearances with the Chicago Cubs last season. He was optioned in April to Triple-A Iowa, where he was 5-7 with a 4.76 ERA. The Oakland Athletics claimed Williams off waivers in September, then declined to tender him a contract offer last month.

Grace to Attend Cubs Convention; Convention Ticket Sales Rise 400% in “Fat Chick” Demographic

CHICAGO–Former Cub first baseman Mark Grace, the hits leader of the 90’s and one of the more popular Cubs in franchise history is back in the fold, according to the Daily Herald, more than six years after the Cubs unceremoniously parted ways with Grace following the 2000 season.

According to Barry Axelrod, Grace’s agent, Grace had been invited to the annual Cubs Convention since his departure from the Cubs, but had disinclined to acquiesce to the Cubs’ invitation until this year.

According to Axelrod, Grace, now the color commentator for the Arizona Diamondbacks, was in a bit of a broadcasting slump toward the end of the 2006 season. “Gracie had gone 0 for his last 36 witty comments. He didn’t get one laugh during that stretch,” Axelrod said. “He was talking to me about ways to shake off the funk, and he started reminiscing about his old days in Chicago, and he said that he could always find a slumpbuster in that town,” Axelrod explained awkwardly. “When the Cubs came calling, it seemed like a perfect opportunity.”

Gracie’s Formula for Slumpbusting

0 for 14?  Bring me a fatty!

+

“No fat chicks?”  More like “Yes! fat chicks!”

=

It was worth it!

Moments after the announcement, ticket sales for the convention skyrocketed. The increase was due to a swell of purchases by many of the heavier members of Chicago’s female population.

The Cubs expect to see a similar increase in ticket sales after tomorrow’s announcement that there will be free pastries provided from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 a.m. each morning of the convention.


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

Subscribe to “Fire Lou Piniella!”

Contact “Fire Lou Piniella!”

Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

Blog Stats

  • 139,269 hits