Archive for the 'Let’s Blame Hendry!' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.


Terrified Arbitration Tries to Avoid Zambrano

CHICAGO–Arbitration is scheduled for Tuesday between Carlos Zambrano and the Chicago Cubs. And Arbitration is not happy about it.

“Are you kidding me? I don’t want that lunatic [Zambrano] coming to an arbitration hearing!” Arbitration said in an interview on Monday. “I bet he’s the type who makes his points more emphatic by beating on the conference table,” a shaking Arbitration said. “I just can’t handle that type of abuse.”

“We have a good track record of avoiding Arbitration,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “There has been no history of Arbitration trying to avoid us, but we’ll see what we can get worked out.”

“Hendry and I had a deal!” a frantic Arbitration yelled. “He didn’t let Farnsworth anywhere near me, and it should be the same for all of these lunatic pitchers! I wouldn’t mind Prior. He probably calmly reads his good qualities from a yellow-lined legal pad and just cries if he doesn’t get his way, but keep Zambrano the hell away from me!”

Arbitration is spending his time between now and tomorrow in his office with the lights off and the blinds closed.

Piniella Says He’ll Stress “Fundamentals”; Hendry Later Seen Flipping through Dictionary Under “F”

MESA, Ariz.–New Cubs manager Lou Piniella will stress fundamentals during Spring Training. According to Piniella:

Fundamentals will be an important part of camp, and baserunning will be an important part of camp, [as well as] making sure we can bunt and making sure we can field our positions. You work at these things, and if you work and prepare yourself, you have a much better chance to win baseball games, and that’s what I’m here for.

After Piniella’s comments, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry sat at a press conference consulting a dictionary and said, “I think I’m really looking forward to a fresh start. Fresh. Freshen. Freshet. We’re looking forward… forewarn, forewaste… to that first day and putting [last year] totally behind us forever. Forevermore. Foreverness. Forewarm. Ah! Here it is! ‘Fundamental’! It says, ‘noun: the harmonic component of a complex wave that has the lowest frequency and commonly the greatest amplitude.’ Oh, [expletive], Lou’s drunk again.”

Rich Hill Predicted to Emerge in 2007, See Shadow, Disappear Until 2008’s Alex Cushing suggests that Cubs left-hander Rich Hill is one of several young pitchers who may emerge in 2007. The Cubs expect Hill, who put up excellent numbers in the second half of the 2006 season, to emerge at the beginning of Spring Training. If Hill sees his shadow, he is expected to disappear until 2008.

“Rich really had a breakout year,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “I really hope when he emerges that he doesn’t see his shadow. We’re counting on having him in the rotation this year, not having him hibernating.”

At the beginning of Spring Training, Hill will greet the crowd that has gathered in front of his temporary home on Gobbler’s Knob to determine whether he will emerge and be a dominant pitcher or whether he will retreat to his home for the 2007 season.

Rich Hill Emerges

Rich Hill emerges on Gobbler’s Knob.

“The other guys are already calling him ‘Punxsutawney Hill’,” Cubs manager Lou Piniella said. “If he’s honestly scared of his own shadow, I’m going to take to calling him p#$$y.”

Cubs Release Rusch, Claiming He’s Been “Phoning it in” Since A Farewell to Kings

CHICAGO–The Cubs announced Thursday that they have released veteran left-hander Glendon Rusch, who missed the latter part of the 2006 season after suffering a blood clot in his lung.

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry stated that Rusch had peaked with his 1977 album A Farewell to Kings, and that he had “really gone down hill” since that point.


Because they’re here.

“Have you ever actually listened to ‘Tom Sawyer’?” Jim Hendry asked. “Every single thing about that song pisses me off. The lyrics are idiotic. ‘Today’s Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you, and the space he invades he gets by on you.’ What the f@#$ does that even mean? And, no, Rusch, I don’t want to ‘catch the spit.’ That’s disgusting.”

Don’t even get Hendry started on “Fly by Night.” “Oh, you have got to be kidding me bringing that crap in here,” Hendry said. “What’s going on with that garbage? Is it supposed to be an airline commercial? This is why he’ll never get into the Hall of Fame. Hack. Oh, and RuschCon is a f@#$ing ripoff. Good riddance to him.”

Hendry Finally Signs Floyd, Gets Oil Change

CHICAGO–The Chicago Cubs finally got around to signing veteran free agent Cliff Floyd to a one-year contract with a mutual option for 2008. Immediately after signing Floyd, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry decided it was just about time to get that oil change that he’s been meaning to get since before Christmas.

“Well, you know, the old guy has been around the block quite a few times,” Hendry said, presumably about Floyd. “It was just about time to replace the oil inside of him with some new, clean oil. For lubrication.” Scratch that. He was talking about his car. “Because without lubrication, that’s why his joints have been breaking down lately,” Hendry continued. Hold up. He has to mean Floyd, right?

At least it’s not his groin.

Looks like someone was a little overdue for a lube job.

“I normally get things done on time,” Hendry continued. “I’m usually right in there at three months or three thousand miles, whichever comes first.” Car. “So when I traveled over three months and three thousand miles before getting the deal done, it was a first for me.” Wait. Maybe he means both.

Whatever the case, Floyd is now a heck of a left-handed bat coming off the bench, and he will be used to spell Jacque Jones and Matt Murton in the outfield. After Cubs manager Lou Piniella indicated at the Cubs Convention that Murton will get the lion’s share of the starts in left, Floyd looks to be a good signing. Also, Jim Hendry’s Oldsmobile is not due for an oil change until March 24, 2007, or 106,571 miles, whichever comes first. Says Cubs Near Deal With Floyd; Fire Lou Piniella! Enters Wayback Machine, Returns to Simpler Time When Story was Fresh

CHICAGO–The Cubs are allegedly close to signing a one-year deal with free agent and Chicago native Cliff Floyd. In response to the article, Fire Lou Piniella! entered its wayback machine to December of 2006.

Chicago was wondering whether the Bears’ asses would be crowned, Jack Bauer was still being tortured in China, Saddam Hussein was still alive, and the weekly “Cubs Near Deal with Floyd” story was being run for the first time. Yes, times were simpler then.

At least it’s not his groin.
I, for one, can’t wait for the Cliff Floyd Era!

Sources close to Jim Hendry say this deal will be wrapped up by mid-August. Of 2009.

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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