Archive for the 'McDonough and Donough' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Cubs Put Ads on Outfield Doors, Get Interest from Surprising Number of St. Louis-Based Companies

CHICAGO–The Chicago Cubs have finally done it. They have decided to use what little space on the outfield walls is not covered in ivy as ad space. The team signed a multiyear deal with Under Armour Wednesday, and they are fielding offers from other companies once the deal runs out.

F@#$ you, McDonough.

Armor won’t protect you, McDonough. Even when it’s spelled all British-like.

The announcement by the Cubs has generated quite a bit of interest in the ad space. “We’ve already signed several contracts in the years following the expiration of the Under Armour deal,” Cubs interim president Jon McDonough said. “Several St. Louis-based companies have already purchased the space. For example, ‘Sofa King Wee Todd Did’ will have an ad in the future, and we’re working on ad space for wesuck.com, suckadeek.com, and funkingchumps.com. We’re very excited to have the extra revenue.”

Increased Ticket Prices! Commemorative Bricks! Crappy Bands! “Meet Cubs Business Management” Seminar a Success!

CHICAGO–It’s a good thing everyone in Chicago was watching the Bears dismantle the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, because if anyone had stuck around to listen to the “Meet Cubs Business Management” Seminar at the Cubs Convention, they would have heard the following:

  • Single-game tickets will increase $2 apiece, and the premium seats — the Dugout Box, Bullpen Box and Bleacher Box seats — will increase $5 apiece. 66-96 last year, and the ticket prices increase? Cubs fever! Get vaccinated!
  • Cubs management expects to begin installing the commemorative brick pavers in March. Fans who purchased the bricks will receive a grid map showing where their brick is located. Maps will also be sent to all of their friends, so that purchasers may be relentlessly mocked for connecting their name to the Cubs franchise for eternity.
  • The team is still working out details regarding a concert at the ballpark during the All-Star break and was “hopeful” to have the Dave Matthews Band perform. And by “perform,” management meant, “take a steaming dump in the middle of the infield.”
  • The seminar sounded like a great way to wrap up the Cubs Convention, especially after the Cubs had to cancel the originally planned three-hour-long, “Conversation with Ronnie Woo-Woo.” Did anyone go to this seminar?

    Jays’ Thomson Celebrates Festivus Late

    TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield:

    As far as just looking at Paul Lo Duca across the field, I’m not really into how he acts behind the plate. I know a bit about [Toronto catcher] Gregg Zaun and I know he wants to win and he’s not going to let anything get in his way to do that, and I like that. And then with Vernon Wells in center field, I’m not really concerned about the outfield with him out there. … Just watching the Mets’ outfield, if Cliff Floyd is still there it’s not a real good fit for him out there. He can hit the ball, but as far as defense, he’s a little shaky.

    I’m normally not one to condone criticizing other players, particularly when you’re only making $500,000 a year in a market where Jason Marquis is getting paid to pitch. Real money. Possibly some of my money.

    In this case, I will make an exception, though, since Paul Lo Duca (and every other Met) is a douchebag.

    Thomson’s bold statements touched off an Airing of Grievances on the North Side which has not been seen since Lee Elia’s famous tirade.

    Fire Lou Piniella! was lucky enough to have a transcript of Lou Piniella’s Airing of Grievances. Here are some of the excerpts:

  • On the ushers at Wrigley. How the hell did that Mick Donough find enough people around during the last time the Cubs won the series to hire an entire ushering staff?
  • On the Bleacher Bums. What the hell is with all these frat boy c@#$suckers sitting in the bleachers with their polo collars up in the air and their aviator sunglasses? Christ, you’d get your ass kicked if you wore that sh@# in the bleachers back when I was playing. Not by the other fans, but by the players. We’d climb up into the stands in the middle of a play just to beat your sissy little a$$es.
  • On Cesar Izturis. Christ, don’t get me started on what’s wrong with this guy. Is it possible to have a negative on base percentage? Good glove, no-hit my f@#$ing a$$. And what the f@#$ is up with his ears? I don’t know whether to pencil him into the starting lineup or hop on his back and drive him home from the game.
  • On Jim Hendry. Did you know there are three guys on this fata$$’s 40-man roster named Rocky Cherry, Clay Rapada, and Buck Coats? Where the f@#$ is he finding these guys? Rocky Cherry is a f@#$ing ice cream flavor, for f@#$’s sake! No. Worse that that. It’s a frozen f@#$ing yogurt flavor. No, worse. It’s a f@#$ing frogurt flavor. Clay Rapada? Wasn’t that the a$$hole who was banging the fat black guy on that singing show? And I’m pretty God damn sure that I’ve seen Buck Coats in a few pornos.
  • On large contracts. Holy s@#$ did you see the kind of money Soriano got? And that Zito kid? Christ, in my day we played for our meals. If you didn’t get a hit that day, you didn’t eat. F@#$, we should put that fat-a$$ Ohman on that diet. “If you can’t get out the one God damn lefty we make you face in a game, you don’t eat, you fat f@#$.”
  • Cubs players could not be reached for comment, as Piniella had sent them all on a search for an aluminum Festivus pole. The players are expected to attend tomorrow’s Feats of Strength, where they will take turns trying to pin Piniella in a wrestling match.

    Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

    While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

    Father Time

    Uncle Time.

    1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
    2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
    3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
    4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
    5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
    6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
    7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
    8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
    9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
    10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.

    Yankees Retire Twelve Players’ Numbers as Cubs Discuss #31

    CHICAGO–New Cub pitcher Ted Lilly will not be allowed to wear number 31 for the Cubs in 2007. According to interim President John McDonough, the Cubs do not have plans for retiring #31, worn by Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins and surefire first ballot Hall of Famer Greg Maddux, but it “wouldn’t be appropriate” to have someone else wear the number.

    “We’ve had some great players wear number 31,” McDonough said, while Yankees owner George Steinbrenner held a ceremony retiring Corey Lidle’s #30 Yankee jersey. “From Mark Guthrie to Donovan Osborne, old number 31 has a lot of great memories,” McDonough said, as Alex Rodriguez’s #13 was preemptively retired behind him and, coincidentally, Donovan Osborne’s #46.

    “You know, Bobby Ayala wore number 31,” McDonough continued, as Jim Leyritz and Alfonso Soriano shook hands with Steinbrenner on ESPN, holding aloft their recently-retired #12 jerseys.

    “And don’t even get me started reminiscing about Kevin Foster’s days as number 31 in your scorecard,” McDonough said, briefly distracted by a “Remembering Ruben Sierra” segment on ESPN which coincided with the retirement by the Yankees of his #24 jersey along with Jesse Barfield’s #29 and Steve Balboni’s #28, #36, #45, #50, and #66.

    “Beloved Comcast analyst Dan Plesac also wore the number since Jenkins and Maddux left,” McDonough added, talking over the sound of cheering as ESPN televised the hoisting of Kevin Brown’s #27, Javier Vasquez’s #33, Jose Contreras’s #52, and Brad Halsey’s #57 and #61.

    It remains to be seen if the Cubs will eventually retire #31 in honor of Maddux and Jenkins. It also remains to be seen if the Yankees will start using fractions instead of whole numbers on the backs of their jerseys.

    Cubs to Hire Assistant G.M.; “FLP!” Gets Advance Copy of Want Ad

    CHICAGO–The Cubs plan on hiring an assistant G.M. to help take the pressure off Jim Hendry. “Fire Lou Piniella!” received a copy of the ad expected to be placed in the local papers.

    WANTED: Motivated individual to assist with the general management of the Chicago National League Ball Club. Individual must be motivated, enthusiastic, dedicated, and unaware of any events which have occurred in the world for the past 98 years. Bullpen building skills not necessary. Responsibilities include bathing G.M., feeding G.M., helping G.M. get Jacque Jones out of town, and holding G.M. when he cries over Ryan Dempster’s contract. Experience in bidding against oneself a plus. Great incentives until the Tribune gets sold! Send resume and two dozen Krispy Kremes to 1060 W. Addison, ATTN: J. Hendry, Chicago, IL 60613


    Who is Lou offending today?

    Ozzie Guillen, mang.

    How Angry Is Lou Today?

    Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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    Contact “Fire Lou Piniella!”

    Older Posts

    The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

    1. Todd Hundley

    2. Neifi Perez

    3. Alex Gonzalez

    4. LaTroy Hawkins

    5. Fred McGriff

    6. Corey Patterson

    7. Mel Rojas

    8. Jeff Blauser

    9. Antonio Alfonseca

    10. Juan Pierre

    11. Shawn Estes

    12. Felix Heredia

    13. Julian Tavarez

    14. Kyle Farnsworth

    15. Mark Prior

    16. Kent Mercker

    17. Moises Alou

    18. Dave Veres

    19. Jose Macias

    20. Lenny Harris

    21. Jose Hernandez

    22. Jacque Jones

    23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

    24. Freddy Bynum

    25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

    26. Scott Williamson

    27. Tony Womack

    28. Andy Pratt

    29. Will Ohman

    30. Phil Nevin

    31. Jeff Fassero

    32. Ronny Cedeno

    33. Brant Brown

    34. Roosevelt Brown

    35. Jason Dubois

    36. Wade Miller

    37. Mark Guthrie

    38. Sergio Mitre

    39. Juan Cruz

    40. Gabor Paul II Bako

    41. Ryan Dempster

    42. Mike Remlinger

    43. Glendon Rusch

    44. Nomar Garciaparra

    45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

    46. Matt Clement

    47. Gary Gaetti

    48. Bobby Hill

    49. Benito Santiago

    50. Jerome Williams

    51. Roberto Novoa

    52. David Kelton

    53. Todd Wellemeyer

    54. Shane Andrews

    55. Darrin Jackson

    56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

    57. John Mabry

    58. Curtis Wilkerson

    59. Hee Seop Choi

    60. Cesar Izturis

    61. Rick Wilkins

    62. Jon Garland

    63. Augie Ojeda

    64. Jerome Walton

    65. Jae Kuk Ryu

    66. Todd Hollandsworth

    67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

    68. Willie Greene

    69. Michael Tucker

    70. Damon Berryhill

    71. Jon Leicester

    72. Mitch Webster

    73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

    74. Jody Gerut

    75. Jim Sundberg

    76. Steve Buechele

    77. Darren Lewis

    78. Rey Ordonez

    79. Marvell Wynne

    80. Tyler Houston

    81. Amaury Telemaco

    82. Kevin Roberson

    83. Damian Jackson

    84. Doug Dascenzo

    85. Ismael Valdez

    86. Matt Karchner

    87. Jeff Huson

    88. Jose Nieves

    89. Ross Gload

    90. Chad Hermansen

    91. Luis Salazar

    92. Mike Hubbard

    93. Delino DeShields

    94. Matt Lawton

    95. Howard Johnson

    96. Rondell White

    97. Turk Wendell

    98. Ray King

    99. Gary Scott

    100. Steve Rain

    101. Kevin Orie

    102. Rey Sanchez

    103. Francis Beltran

    104. Paul Noce

    105. Enrique Wilson

    106. Ruben Quevedo

    107. Damon Buford

    108. Brooks Kieschnick

    109. Damian Miller

    110. Scott Bullett

    111. Rick Aguilera

    112. Chad Meyers

    113. Gary Varsho

    114. Jason Bere

    115. Troy O'Leary

    116. Chico Walker

    117. Rick Wrona

    118. Leo Gomez

    119. Chris Stynes

    120. Dan Plesac

    121. Robert Machado

    122. Julio Zuleta

    123. Todd Zeile

    124. Chad Fox

    125. Adam Greenberg

    126. Sandy Martinez

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