I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'Meth is bad South Siders' Category
Yo. Sweet Uncle Lou here. Listen, I know I’m new to this town and maybe I just don’t understand you Chicago fans yet, but something has been troubling me since Sunday. Why the hell isn’t there a fireozzieguillen.com?
Did that shirt come with free butt sex? Also, if you touch me again, I will break your fucking arm.
I’m not a quiet guy. I can accept that. I’ve done some things in the past which people might consider hot-headed.
That base said something about my mother.
But at least I’m not Guillen. Shit, I know all about machismo, but there’s a difference between pride and just being an arrogant asshole. Let’s review Guillen’s career for a moment, shall we? Thank you, Wikipedia.
- 1985-2000: Guillen sucks ass as a shitty, slap-hitting shortstop for the White Sox for most of his career. Read it and weep, you little bitch. I was more productive at over 35 years old than you were in your career.
- 2001: Guillen beats off for 365 days straight. I’ve done it for 366. Eat it.
- 2002: Guillen helps coach the Montreal Expos. Canada hates him, kicks him out. Canadians love me and reward me with maple syrup.
- 2003: Guillen is the third base coach for the Marlins, who win the World Series with a brilliant and dominant pitching performance. Somehow, Guillen gets credited as a brilliant coach for waving guys around a fucking base. He’s also the cocksucker who held his hands up to his neck in the NLCS to signify that the Cubs would choke. What kind of professional coach does something like that? I haven’t seen behavior like that since I was pushing a hoop down an alley with a stick. In 2003, I was entering my 17th as an actual coach of a big league team, not a glorified babysitter standing next to a base with no one paying attention to me. I shat out piles that stood taller than Guillen.
- 2004: Guillen is hired as the White Sox manager, possibly because their previous manager was actually a mannequin filled with sand.
- July 2004: Guillen rips Sox outfielder Carlos Lee for not killing someone for trying to turn a double play. Guillen was pissed because Torii Hunter and the Minnesota Twins were in the process of depantsing the Sox, so Guillen said, “We had a guy go into 2nd base as if his wife was turning a double play.” He conveniently waited to say it after Lee was traded. At least when my guys are pansies, I tell it to their faces. Shit, I tell Prior that he’s a girl every day over my morning coffee.
- Spring Training 2005: After Magglio Ordonez leaves for the Detroit Tigers, Guillen charms the world with this rant: “He’s playing with fire. I’m not afraid of him. I have nothing to apologize to him for. I have nothing to do with Magglio wearing the Detroit Tigers uniform. Every time he played for me, he played good, but if he thinks I’m his enemy or I have something against him, that’s up to him. Magglio is full of shit. Apologize to who? I don’t have to apologize to anybody because, first of all, he’s the first one to name me. He said I was pushing him to play [last season], and I was responsible. Don’t make me feel like I was the bad guy in this. He never was my friend because I don’t know him. If he thinks what I said hurt him, I don’t give a shit. I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win games. I’ve got a lot of friends. If Magglio doesn’t want to be my friend, I’m not going to lose sleep at night. He’s a piece of shit. He’s another Venezuelan motherfucker. Fuck him. He thinks he’s got an enemy? No, he’s got a big one. He knows I can fuck him over in a lot of different ways. He better shut the fuck up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the fuck is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn’t do shit for me. But he said I’m his enemy — he knows me. Tell him he knows me, and he can take it how he wants to take it. Did he play good for me? Yes, he did. Did he play hard for me? Yes, he did. He might like me. He might be sensitive of me. He might be jealous of me, I don’t know why. But saying I’m his enemy, he hates me, I could care less what that shit thinks. I don’t give a shit what he does with the rest of his life. He fucked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he fucked with the wrong people.” In that incoherent rambling, we learn that Ozzie is (1) racist, (2) in love with the word “fuck,” (3) an arrogant piece of crap, (4) hypersensitive to any criticism whatsoever, (5) a rageaholic, and (6) ridiculously disloyal to his players. FYI, Ozzie, Magglio Ordonez is better than both of us, so you should probably learn who he is.
- October 2005: The World Series is canceled, and Guillen celebrates by kissing a dude. I don’t kiss dudes. Even when they beg for it.
- June 2006: Guillen sends recently called-up rookie Sean Tracey to the mound to bean Hank Blalock in retaliation after Texas Rangers pitcher Vincente Padilla twice did the world a favor and drilled the complete fuckstick that is A.J. Pierzynski. Instead of having veteran starter Javier Vazquez do his dirty work, Guillen sends up the rookie kid. When the kid misses (or, hopefully, refuses), Guillen throws a shitstorm tantrum and screams at the kid in the dugout. The kid is back in the minors the next day. If you want a guy hit that bad, sack up, go out, and hit him yourself. That’s what I do. Unless Ozzie was afraid that, based on his career numbers, he was going to swing and miss.
- The Next Day in June 2006: Another narcissistic asshole, Jay Mariotti, calls out Guillen for the bullshit move with Tracey. Guillen’s response? “What a piece of shit he is, a fucking fag.” While true, at least I have the sense not to say it to the media. Selig orders Guillen to attend sensitivity training. The prick refuses at first, but later relents. Possibly because Kenny Williams said something along the lines of, “Go, or you’re fired. And can you please shut your goddamn mouth? This isn’t the Ozzie Guillen Show.” I’m as sensitive as a pierced nipple. At least according to Ozzie’s mom.
- June 20, 2006: The Sox are pasting the Cardinals 20-6, and Sox pitcher David Riske beans Cardinal Chris Duncan. Duncan’s dad says it was intentional. Maybe Duncan was just being a whiny bitch, but when the evidence starts stacking up against you, maybe you’re just a vindictive prick, Ozzie.
- March 2007: Guillen goes off on former Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy because McCarthy has the “nerve” to suggest that he enjoys the Rangers clubhouse better than the Sox clubhouse. Because he can’t keep his mouth shut, Ozzie says, “I think Brandon should look at himself in the mirror. I say, ‘Who is the bad guy in the clubhouse?’ Then say it. You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don’t have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson? Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with. People forgot that Brandon McCarthy got caught a couple of times out at night. I called him into my office and said, ‘You been hanging around the city a lot, huh?’ I said, ‘I don’t have a spy on you, but I know a lot of people in the bars in Chicago. I’ve been here for 20 years, and they will tell me everything. He forgot he lost a couple of games for us. He lost at least five of the 72. We might be in the playoffs without him.” Nice that he blames the total pants-shitting at the end of last season on the young pitcher who is no longer on the team. Okay, Ozzie. Now, you’ve responded to McCarthy’s comments. It was totally unnecessary to do so, but the incident is over, right? Nah. Let’s drag some other people into this. Ozzie says, “I can say there’s only one [jerk] in the clubhouse, and he’s one of my buddies and that’s A.J. [Pierzynski].” Well, that’s nice, I guess. You’re friendly enough to single him out as the only jerk in the clubhouse. How sweet. At least he’s only ripping on current players, right? He’d never drag in a guy who doesn’t even play anymore, would he? What’s that, Ozzie? “I did it too when I left the White Sox in . I made a couple of comments about I’m a better shortstop than [Mike] Caruso was. Well, that’s true. But I made comments too. My feelings were hurt.” Ozzie, it wasn’t true. And Mike Caruso? Do we really need to bring up Mike Caruso?
My point is, that this guy is a disaster. He’s easily the most despicable piece of crap in baseball. To boot, he’s going to start costing the White Sox good young players. Would a young player honestly want to come play for a guy who did what Guillen did to Tracey? A guy who’s going to stab the player in the back the second he’s out of a Sox uniform (and sometimes when he’s in a uniform)? A racist homophobe who seems to hate everyone not named Ozzie Guillen? Shit, Soriano came to town because he wants to play for me. Hell, if A-Rod had a penis, he’d have a hard-on for me. When have you ever heard something like that about Guillen? Kenny Williams needs to put a ball gag on his little chihuahua or get him the hell out of town. And someone needs to start up fireozzieguillen.com.
NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker.
Fire Lou Piniella! sought to debunk Bond’s statement, and thoroughly investigated the incident. FLP! was able to trace the amphetamines all the way back to the South Side of Chicago, where they had been produced in a meth lab on 35th Street.
Sox Fans, Shocked to Learn that Internet Can Track Website Addresses, Frantically Try to Delete PornPublished January 9, 2007 Meth is bad South Siders 7 Comments
Fire Lou Piniella! has White Sox fans hooked, as several seem to think that I actually spent time searching the internet looking for a quote used in a previous article.
Well looky here, Baines2866 got directly quoted on that blog.
Does anyone else find it strange that this guy claims we have nothing better to do than search for all things cub? Yet he pulls a quote off a White Sox message board?
The Guiness guys were funny, yet it’s sad that no cub fan will ever get it.
Guys, guys, guys. The only reason I stumbled out of my comfortable world of Cubs self-hate onto your message board is because you linked to my site. I get a little report that has “REFERRERS” (you). I can click a little button that leads me to this link.
Just so you guys are aware of some other advances in technology, telephones allow you to communicate over long distances, light bulbs help you see in the dark, and wheels help cars move around.
As an olive branch offering, however, I have now linked to your site several times, making me your REFERRER. Truce?
Why do I love Sox fans? Here’s why.
I have seen some dumb ass cub fans before but holy shit, that’s topping the shit list right there. How can you want a manager fired when he hasn’t managed a game yet for you!? Is it hip in cub-dumb to be the first one on your block to say someone on the team (or closely related to the franchise in any way) sucks?
GUINNESS GUY 1: “Cub-dumb!” You see?! This Sox fan used a homophone with a totally unnecessary hyphen to call Cubs fans stupid!
GUINNESS GUY 2: A homophone?! But I thought they all hate homophones!
GUINNESS GUY 1: No! That’s just their manager!
GUINNESS GUY 2: Well, how do they even know this website is out there?!
GUINNESS GUY 1: Because, even when they win, they’re still obsessed with all things Cub!
GUINNESS GUY 2: So, using a homophone to make fun of Cubs fans because you’re more obsessed with them than your own team?! Brilliant!
I kid because I love. Thanks for the hits, guys. And the methamphetamines.
CHICAGO–Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti was hospitalized Wednesday night in New Orleans, where he was on assignment to cover the Sugar Bowl.
Mariotti underwent an angioplasty procedure and insertion of an arterial stent. The columnist is expected to take time off before resuming his role as loudmouth idiot on ESPN’s Around the Horn some time early next month.
In June, Mariotti had a battle of words with White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. The words chosen in the battle were basically just “fag” and “mang” on Guillen’s side, and “me” and “I” on Mariotti’s.
Mariotti began experiencing heart problems while watching an tape of Around the Horn from 2005. On the tape, Mariotti circa 2005 said something with which the 2007 version of Mariotti did not agree. Mariotti ver.2007 became enraged, and began screaming at the television. When 2005 Mariotti did not respond to him, but only began talking more loudly and flaring his nostrils more vigorously, ’07 Mariotti threw the furniture in his hotel room around in a tantrum, stressing him to the point where he experienced chest pains and was driven to a local hospital.
In the space normally occupied by Mariotti’s column, the Sun-Times is expected to run a series of photographs depicting animals having violent sex with one another. No one is expected to complain about the change.
SAN FRANCISCO–While the other Barry in San Francisco is having a rough go of it, Barry Zito is having a most excellent day.
Eighteen million dollars a year?! Excellent! I’m a flyball pitcher with an outfield with the average age of 62?! Bogus!
Zito had his own number in mind when negotiating his salary, which he asked one Fire Lou Piniella! reporter to guess. When the reporter correctly guessed “69,” Zito said, “Whoa,” and then strummed the air.
When asked about his new contract, Zito said, “The dudes in my band, the Wyld Stallyns, will be most excited about this gnarly fortune. Perhaps we can finally get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.” Zito then hugged his best friend Bill S. Preston, esq., after which both simultaneously called one another “Fag.” Ozzie Guillen could not be reached for comment.