Archive for the 'MLB.com–LOUD IS GOOD!' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Santo on Suicide Watch

Former Cubs third baseman Ron Santo came up five votes shy of being inducted by the Veterans Committee into the Hall of Fame.

Santo

Santo’s family could not be reached for comment, as they were packing up all of the sharp objects in Santo’s home, cutting all rope into 3-foot lengths, throwing away their toasters, permanently disabling their garage door opener with the door stuck in an open position, and throwing away all DVD copies of This Old Cub.

The Veterans Committee, made up of colossal douchebags like Joe Morgan and Mike Schmidt, did not elect anyone into the 2007 Hall of Fame class. Santo received the most votes (57) of any players on the ballot for 69.5% of the vote. He was 5 votes shy of the requisite 75%.

Molony Thinks “Big Z” Can Win 20; Big Z Says, “Thinks? He’s full of Molony.”

MLB.com writer Jim Molony thinks that Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano has the potential to win 20 games in 2007. Upon hearing the news Zambrano, who has spent the offseason living at the rim of Mauna Loa, an active volcano in the Hawaiian Islands, scoffed. “Thinks?” Zambrano asked, shifting from one foot to another to alleviate the intense heat rising from the molten rock flowing just underground. “He’s full of Molony. He must ‘think’ that the earth is round and that the sun rises in the east,” Zambrano continued, crunching on a piece of volcanic rock for nutrition.

“I will win 33 games in 2007, not including the playoffs,” Zambrano declared as a bird flying overhead dropped dead at his feet from the intense heat. Zambrano quickly devoured the bird. “If there is one thing that living on this volcano has taught me, it’s that I haven’t been tough enough in the past, which has caused me to lose games,” Zambrano continued, deeply inhaling the toxic mixture of hydrogen sulphide and hydrogen chloride spewing from the mouth of the volcano.

“In 2007, I will not lose,” Zambrano concluded, wiping a bit of sweat from his brow as one reporter’s eyeballs melted in their sockets.  “I guarantee it.”

Rich Hill Predicted to Emerge in 2007, See Shadow, Disappear Until 2008

MLB.com’s Alex Cushing suggests that Cubs left-hander Rich Hill is one of several young pitchers who may emerge in 2007. The Cubs expect Hill, who put up excellent numbers in the second half of the 2006 season, to emerge at the beginning of Spring Training. If Hill sees his shadow, he is expected to disappear until 2008.

“Rich really had a breakout year,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “I really hope when he emerges that he doesn’t see his shadow. We’re counting on having him in the rotation this year, not having him hibernating.”

At the beginning of Spring Training, Hill will greet the crowd that has gathered in front of his temporary home on Gobbler’s Knob to determine whether he will emerge and be a dominant pitcher or whether he will retreat to his home for the 2007 season.

Rich Hill Emerges

Rich Hill emerges on Gobbler’s Knob.

“The other guys are already calling him ‘Punxsutawney Hill’,” Cubs manager Lou Piniella said. “If he’s honestly scared of his own shadow, I’m going to take to calling him p#$$y.”

Like Planet-Destroying Comet, Piniella to Have Impact on Cubs

Jim Street suggests that new Cubs manager Lou Piniella might have the biggest impact of any new manager. Like that movie Deep Impact. Only with more screaming.

Dante Bichette Lobbying Hall of Fame Voters; Seriously

DENVER–Imagine a world where Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken, and Dante Bichette are in the same Hall of Fame class. Can’t imagine it? Okay. Pull back a little bit and imagine a world where Dante Bichette is in the Hall of Fame. Still tough? Pull back a little bit more and imagine Dante Bichette getting a single vote for enshrinement in baseball’s Hall of Fame. Still nothing? How about imagining Dante Bichette being allowed to visit the Hall of Fame. Getting closer? No? Okay, imagine a world where you will ever mention Dante Bichette’s name again without referencing this article. There we go.

Dante Bichette

“Yo, Castilla, did you just fart?”

Dante Bichette thinks he deserves to be in Cooperstown. (wait for laughter to die down before suggesting campaign slogan “Bichette. The Best a Man Can Get”) That’s right. Dante Bichette. A guy whose best numbers outside of his Coors-inflated totals were 23 homers and 90 RBI with Cincinnati and Boston in 2000. A guy who could have his own blooper reel filled with his wacky misadventures in the outfield.

If Bichette’s former teammate Larry Walker is considered a borderline Hall of Famer, then Bichette isn’t even close. Walker did everything better than Bichette, and if his Coors-inflated numbers aren’t good enough for the Hall, Bichette’s aren’t even good enough for my hall. The one right outside of my bathroom. After I ate eggs and drank Old Style all day.

By the way, keep your fingers crossed for Andre Dawson. The dude deserves to be in the Hall, and turds like Joe Morgan are keeping him out.

EDIT: I just noticed that Bichette sort of looks like Bertier from Remember the Titans. Yes?

Bertier

With Seventh Circle of Hell “All Full Up,” Fick Signs with Nats

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Robert Fick, who achieved notoriety during the 2003 NLDS when he maliciously slapped at the wrist of Cubs first baseman Eric Karros, has agreed to a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals. The deal came after Fick was told by the Minotaur that the seventh circle of hell was “all full up.”

Violent offender.  Probable sodomite.

Violent offender. Probable sodomite.

Fick had been condemned to the river Phlegethon after his dastardly act against Karros, but there was no room for him in the river of blood. Fick was instead sent back to earth to suffer the second-worst punishment for his violent deed. He will now toil away in the Nationals’ minor league system, reminded every day that he is not as good as Brian Schneider.


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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