Archive for the 'Remembering Dusty' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

#105: Enrique “Mayor Goooooooldie” Wilson

Enrique Wilson. You sucked so badly in only 22 at-bats as a Cub that you pissed me off enough to be a part of this list.

You sucked so badly, that even New York’s answer to Mark Prior (Chicago’s Mr. Glass) knocked you on your ass.

Pavanowned!

Pavanowned!

Look at you.

Fool you twice, shame on you, suckas.

Fooled you, fools. Also, I farted.

You look like you’re trying not to smile, because you fooled everyone into thinking you were an actual Major League Baseball player.

A team like the Yankees was able to keep you around because you hit Pedro Martinez well, Enrique, but the Cubs couldn’t afford having a guy like you on the roster. Particularly not with Johnny B. Baker managing the team. Putting you on a 25-man roster managed by Dusty is like leaving a sugar-coated gun next to a swingset next to a pool with no fence around it. And the pool is next door to a children’s rehabilitation center which specializes in trying to wean kids off of sugar-flavored guns.

Good Lord, Enrique. I can’t get over the fact that you were ever on a Cubs roster. Thank you for retiring before Jim Hendry had a chance to resign you for the 2006 season. Thank you.

Low Point: Honestly, Enrique, it has to be May 17, 2005, the day you signed with the Chicago Cubs. I remember hearing about the signing and thinking, “Has it really come to this?”

Did You Know? Had the Yankees won Game 7 of the 2001 World Series, Wilson would have departed to the Dominican Republic on the deadly American Airlines Flight 587. Yankees closer Mariano Rivera says that he is happy that he blew the save in game 7 because that way he still has a friend (Wilson). Looks like Darwin swung and missed just like you did so many times, Enrique. Thanks, Wikipedia.

Baker Inks 2-Year ESPN Deal; Will Serve as Analysist, Therapist

BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.

Dusty Baker, M.D., Analrapist

Baker’s new business card.

Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.

ESPN Buys Stock in Toothpicks, Wristbands

The New York Post is reporting that ESPN is close to a deal which would bring Dusty Baker to Baseball Tonight to replace the fired Harold Reynolds. Baker projects to be the first baseball analyst to wear wristbands and chew toothpicks in the studio. In order to make Baker feel welcome, the following changes will be instituted to the program:

  1. Peter Gammons will now chew tobacco in the studio.
  2. There will be a pond stocked with fish inside the studio so Baker can tell “fishing stories.”
  3. ESPN Wednesday baseball will modify the starting lineups so that the starting center fielders will lead off the game, the starting second basemen will bat second, and white players will not be inserted into the lineups until the sun sets.
  4. Tuesday night on Baseball Tonight will be “Hank Aaron Appreciation Night.”
  5. The title of the program will be changed to Baseball Tonight, Dudes.
  6. Web Gems will be replaced with Neifi Gems.

Tired of Making Playoffs, Padres Plan to Interview Baker

SAN DIEGO–The San Diego Padres, having won the National League West Division in each of the last two seasons, plan to interview Dusty Baker for their managerial opening, which was vacated after Bruce Bochy took a job with the San Francisco Giants.

The move is thought to coincide with the Padres’ desire to play only 162 games per season.

“Hey, we don’t get paid overtime for the playoffs,” Padres right fielder Brian Giles said. “I’ll take my $47,325 per game, thank you,” Giles said, using the corner of a $100 bill to pick a sunflower seed out of his tooth.

Catcher Mike Piazza expressed a similar desire to stay within the 162-game limit. “As a catcher, my knees hurt badly enough after 10 games,” Piazza said. “Plus, have you seen my wife? I don’t have time to be playing extra games,” Piazza said, handing “FLP!” the creased and wadded picture below.

Quit trying to pretend you’re not gay, Mike.

Quit trying to pretend you’re not gay, Mike.

Former Cub and current Padre, Todd Walker, was exasperated to hear the news that Baker was to be interviewed. “FLP!” caught up with Walker in a bell tower 1000 yards from the offices of Padres general manager Kevin Towers with a clear line of vision between the bell tower and Towers’ open office window. “The Cubs had a similar philosophy about the playoffs,” Walker said, assembling what appeared to be some sort of complicated camera equipment. “I’ll be damned if I’m going to play for that @$$hole again,” Walked finished, before flushing out his right eye with saline solution.

Wherever Baker ends up, at least the players on his team can count on not missing any October tee times.


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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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