I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'Remembering Dusty' Category
BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.
Baker’s new business card.
Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.
The New York Post is reporting that ESPN is close to a deal which would bring Dusty Baker to Baseball Tonight to replace the fired Harold Reynolds. Baker projects to be the first baseball analyst to wear wristbands and chew toothpicks in the studio. In order to make Baker feel welcome, the following changes will be instituted to the program:
- Peter Gammons will now chew tobacco in the studio.
- There will be a pond stocked with fish inside the studio so Baker can tell “fishing stories.”
- ESPN Wednesday baseball will modify the starting lineups so that the starting center fielders will lead off the game, the starting second basemen will bat second, and white players will not be inserted into the lineups until the sun sets.
- Tuesday night on Baseball Tonight will be “Hank Aaron Appreciation Night.”
- The title of the program will be changed to Baseball Tonight, Dudes.
- Web Gems will be replaced with Neifi Gems.
SAN DIEGO–The San Diego Padres, having won the National League West Division in each of the last two seasons, plan to interview Dusty Baker for their managerial opening, which was vacated after Bruce Bochy took a job with the San Francisco Giants.
The move is thought to coincide with the Padres’ desire to play only 162 games per season.
“Hey, we don’t get paid overtime for the playoffs,” Padres right fielder Brian Giles said. “I’ll take my $47,325 per game, thank you,” Giles said, using the corner of a $100 bill to pick a sunflower seed out of his tooth.
Catcher Mike Piazza expressed a similar desire to stay within the 162-game limit. “As a catcher, my knees hurt badly enough after 10 games,” Piazza said. “Plus, have you seen my wife? I don’t have time to be playing extra games,” Piazza said, handing “FLP!” the creased and wadded picture below.
Quit trying to pretend you’re not gay, Mike.
Former Cub and current Padre, Todd Walker, was exasperated to hear the news that Baker was to be interviewed. “FLP!” caught up with Walker in a bell tower 1000 yards from the offices of Padres general manager Kevin Towers with a clear line of vision between the bell tower and Towers’ open office window. “The Cubs had a similar philosophy about the playoffs,” Walker said, assembling what appeared to be some sort of complicated camera equipment. “I’ll be damned if I’m going to play for that @$$hole again,” Walked finished, before flushing out his right eye with saline solution.
Wherever Baker ends up, at least the players on his team can count on not missing any October tee times.