I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.
Archive for the 'Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup' Category
Okay, you guys. First of all, with all this “Jim Essian” nonsense, I didn’t get a chance for a Friday roundup. Instead, you can just go over to Desipio and get the same insulting effect.
…I’m sick of the pimple-faced, arrogant, bedwetting little cocksmoker who owns the “Fire Lou Piniella!” domain (please do NOT give him the pleasure of going to the actual site; I’ll save you the trip and tell you it’s an idiotic link to Cafe Press with a lot of shitty “Fire Lou!” crap) getting traffic on his site thanks to all of my work (screw you, Kermit). Plus, as Kermit mentioned, you freaks are multiplying like roaches, so it’s about damn time Kermit sacked up and got his own domain.
With that said, we’re taking this operation over to Hire Jim Essian! TJBrown deserves mounds and mounds and mounds of praise for coming up with idea for the domain. Guess what? He won’t get it from me. But Kermit told me to mention how much he appreciates not only TJ’s idea, but all of you idiots who keep coming over here and reading, making the new domain a worthwhile enterprise.
A few things about the new site:
- All of the old posts from this site have been transferred over there, so you can go ahead and update your bookmarks to the new site.
- I will still be contributing at the same frequency I was over here. Kermit extended my contract, so I’m making the move. The regular features, such as the Bottom 126, will continue over there.
- We’re in negotiations with Jim Essian, so hopefully we will have three contributors at the new place.
- TJ’s idea is particularly great, because we can adapt with the asshole who replaces me without having to get a new domain. As long as Essian doesn’t die.
- Kermit will try to figure out a way to get this site to redirect to the new one, but if he can’t (and, since he’s a retard, he probably won’t be able to), he wants me to beg you to come over to the new site. So, here goes. I will piss on your toothbrush if you don’t come to the new site.
don’t hope to see you over there.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
Another day, another game, another picture of me looking sexy as hell.
My posture says “casual,” but my pants-bulge cries out “passion!”
I have a lot to cover, kids. Apparently, the start of Spring Training is a big deal around here. In Tampa Bay, we tricked the fans into thinking Spring Training lasted through September. It took some of the sting away.
- Note to all idiot Chicago sports writers: When I’m pissed about the shitty fielding from yesterday’s game, DON’T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO EVALUATE SORIANO IN CENTER.
- Speaking of Soriano, Quade is taking him under his wing as he “special project.” Every time I see Quade, I want to say, “Now, open your mind to me!” Anyone? Total Recall? Good flick. Sharon Stone keeps her vagina covered for the whole movie, mainly because she dies 20 minutes into it. Good for her.
- The lineup I put out yesterday might be the one you see on Opening Day. If Murton hits well in the two hole, if Soriano proves he can play center, and if Marquis somehow gets better than Zambrano, it’s exactly the lineup you’ll see. Just kidding about that last one.
- Dempster is a weak-minded, disgusting, cookie-eating slob, but at least he’s not as big a fatass as he was in the offseason.
- That hippie Samardzija may be up in the bigs sooner than you think, particularly since you’re a simpleton. Also, the Muskrat doesn’t understand what “polar opposites” means. She writes, “Asked to compare Weis and Piniella, Samardzija laughed. They are polar opposites, yet very much alike.” Samardzija then says one of us is a little more “in your face.” If that bitch didn’t mean me, he’s going to regret it. That’s the only thing separating me from Weis. Well, that and 250 pounds.
- Even when the team sucks this year, take heart in the fact that our minor league teams were pretty good last year. I’m sure that’ll make you feel better when your White Sox and Cardinals friends are polishing their trophies. And their knobs.
- Barrett is helping Derrek Lee with the charity Lee established to fight the disease his daughter has (see the first link on the right to help out) by donating $10,000 for every home run Barrett hits. Cheap bastard should have donated ten grand for every homer Lee hits. Barrett also cut an initial check to the charity for $50,000. In other news, Barrett knows how to sign his own name. Had me fooled.
- Art Spander says the Sports Illustrated jinx shouldn’t mean anything to us, because the very existence of the Cubs is why we suck. Being from the Bay area, I’m sure Art knows all about sucking. In case that was too vague, I’m talking about him liking the cock.
Anyhow, I have to get out to the field. Zambrano said he was going to pitch this afternoon’s game left-handed, because right-handed is getting too easy. I have to go talk him out of it. Later, asswipes.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
Okay, whores and boars. It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Strip club night! And also, you get your Friday roundup courtesy of yours truly. Without further doo-doo, here we go:
- The Muskrat points out that I have no choice but to put Hill in the rotation. The guy is on my kid’s fantasy team. Yeah, he took him right after Shawn Estes. There’s gotta be at least 80 teams in my kid’s league. I also made a note on my calendar to forget about what happened to the Cubs in the 2006 season. In hindsight, it seems kind of stupid to write a note about something I’m supposed to forget. It’s almost like it makes me remember…
- Pitcher Watch: Prior is still not dead, Wood is still not wet, and Marquis is still not good (although Cotts sort of is).
- This Gordon Wittenmyer has to be stopped. Now he’s fantasizing about my players sitting in the clubhouse in their underwear. The other day, he used a doughnut to try to lure Eyre into the back of one of those white vans. Pervert. Oh, and his article was about Zambrano hitting the shit out of the ball. Do you realize that at the rate he was hitting home runs last year, Z projected to hit 45 over the course of an entire season? Holy balls.
- This Izturis kid sure is humble. Maybe he’s never caught a glimpse of the size of his ears. He said, “I know who the real Cesar Izturis is. Cesar Izturis is a player that played with the Dodgers, a Gold Glove winner, an All-Star. That’s who Cesar Izturis is. This year, I will stay healthy and they will see that.” Izturis’s story is really inspirational. It’s the story of a young boy who pulled himself up off the streets of Venezuela where, apparently, he was good at baseball, and traveled all the way to America, where he successfully rode the bench for my team. Seriously, until you stop hitting like a pansy, by all means continue sucking your own dick, Dumbo.
That’s all for this Friday. Apparently, these idiot writers are already burnt out from covering the “Ooooooo, Piniella is so much feistier than Dusty” angle. Because that angle was so very clever and original. Hacks.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
What’s up, my uglies? Time for another Friday Roundup courtesy of the nut-swingingest manager in the Majors! Be careful getting out of those hot tubs, you yuppie assholes, and listen up:
- I beat some sense into Zambrano with a rubber hose, so now he wants to stay in Chicago. He doesn’t want to “accidentally” fall down any more steps, do you, Carlos?
- It was so cute watching Wade Miller and Prior throw bullpen sessions with each other. Almost as cute as watching Zambrano and that prick catcher on the White Sox playing grabass in the commercial they filmed together. Maybe those four homos can braid Samardzija’s hair.
- Self-fellating douchebag Dan McNeil hides in his basketball article this little nugget: the boys are placing bets on when I’ll blow up. Who had February 16, you smug little c@#$suckers?! I’m going to make your lives a living hell today! Oh, and Dan McNeil is not one to be making fun of Scott Eyre’s weight. Does it even matter which of the three disgusting slobs is McNeil?
- The Cub Reporter points out that we have an Eyre-sized assload of lefties on this team, and Goat Riders points out that it might be good that that overrated sissy Zito isn’t one of them.
- Some idiot in the NY Times writes an article that all but calls me nuts. Which one is the NY Times again? Is that the one everyone calls a tabloid, or the one that everyone says is written by egotistical assholes? I can never keep those two straight. Anyhow, read the article for some nice parting shots directed at that brainless idiot Baker.
Well, I gotta make the boys run wind sprints till they puke. It’s good to be back at camp, you little internerds.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
What the f@#$ is with all the “Spring Training Preview” articles this weekend? What, no one wanted to cover the Pro Bowl? Ha ha haaaa! Jerks. Well, I got out of bed earlier than usual this afternoon just so I could let you computer-illiterate punks know what’s being said about Spring Training.
Just think! Only a few more days until you get to see me in skintight pinstriped pants! Doesn’t that just make your crotch burn?
- Chris DeLuca is still somehow getting paid for his writings. He writes about five players to watch in Spring Training. The first is DeRosa. Coach DeLuca thinks that DeRosa might be more useful in a platoon situation with Jacque Jones. Of course, DeLuca ain’t getting paid to fill out a lineup. He’s apparently paid to write idiotic, poorly thought out articles about my players for a newspaper that is about a half step above Redeye. DeLuca’s #2 player to watch is Izturis. Christ, does DeLuca think anyone would voluntarily watch Izturis play baseball? For God’s sake, I don’t even watch him. Moving on, DeLuca suggests one of the best hitters on the team might get knocked out of the lineup for so-so defense. He’s talking about Murton, not Barrett. If he thinks I’d bench Carrot Top for defense when I have that idiot Jones making divots in right field every time he tries to throw a guy out at home, he’s in for a surprise. Next, DeLuca thinks we should watch Wade Miller. Watch him do what? Try to break a plate glass window with his fastball? Finally, DeLuca mentions Neil Cotts. DeLuca suggests that Cotts may be the next Glendon Rusch, and he says it like it’s a good thing. Good article, Chris. Let’s move on.
- Ken Davidoff says that Spring Training is arguably the best time of year to be a baseball fan. Unless, of course, your team ever gets in the playoffs. Which we don’t. He calls us the #2 most intriguing team behind the Red Sox. Guess who’s #3. If you said “the Yankees,” you’re well aware that the douchebag media doesn’t realize we play baseball west of Boston. Assholes. Plus the guy gives us one f@#$ing sentence so he can get back to blowing the AL East. He then goes on to list the most intriguing players. Surprise, surprise, Daisy Matsuzaka and A-Rod are in the top 3. The rest of the article is only worth reading if you have to take one of those 20-minute dumps and you know you’re going to need something to wipe with when you’re done.
- Some cocksucker in St. Louis says that we still have a hole in center field, and that Felix Pie gets the first crack at the job. How many weeks ago did I announce that Soriano would be in center? Nice research, turd.
- Here’s what to do during Spring Training if you have unlimited funds, you quit your job, and you don’t mind your wife leaving you. None of these are problems, apparently, for Ben Walker.
- The Sun-Times does a National League Spring Training preview. The Chicago Sun-Times. They seem to be missing a team from the NL Central. This is why you’re considered a tabloid, you jackasses.
- Jeff Vorva, whose name sounds like a slang term for “vagina,” tells me what I need to do to win the NL Central. This is priceless:
- Vorva says, “Lou! Rethink the top of the order!” I say, “Vorva! Kiss my ass!”
- Vorva says, “Get the outfield in order!” I say, “Get a real job!”
- Vorva says, “Keep ‘Z’ on edge.” I say, “Go find an edge and drag it across your wrists.”
- Vorva says, “Put Dempster on a short leash.” I say, “S&M is for sick freaks like you, Gimp.”
- Vorva says, “Hope and pray that this $61 million was spent wisely.” I say, “Who would I pray to? I’m God.”
- Darrin Beene picks us as a sleeper to win the NL. Sleeper? Wake the f@#$ up, Beene baby! We’ll be an odds-on favorite to win this bitch once I teach these pansies to do things like run the bases and take balls.
- The one professional sportswriter in this town analyzes the moves the Cubs have made, and the importance of getting “bang for the buck” out of each move. I can’t make fun of Miles. He’s interesting and fair.
- The Mercury News previews the season and suggests that I experienced “sheer delight” with the amount of spending Fat Jim did. I haven’t had a moment of “sheer delight” ever. That phrase is queer.
- Oh, here is the Sun-Times’ Cubs preview. It’s not really much of a preview, is it? But, hey, thanks to the Sun-Times, you know when we’ll be playing the “Paddiv>” in Spring Training. That’s some bang-up reporting, Sun-Times.
Well, I have to get to Arizona soon. If you’re traveling to Spring Training, make sure you come up and say hi to me. Maybe even ask me for an autograph. I love that as much as I’m sure you’ll love the foot up your ass you’ll get in return.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
What’s up, jerks? You done crying in your beers over your Bears getting abused by a guy name Peyton? That’s gotta really sting, huh? That’s like the Cubs losing a World Series to a guy named Sandberg. Ha ha! Just kidding. We’ll never be in the World Series. Okay, you little pricks, are you ready for your Friday roundup? If you aren’t, too bad.
- Jon Saraceno calls you all idiot drunks for rooting for this crappy team. I agree with him, even if he’s in the third trimester of turning into a werewolf. He also has the f@#$ing nerve to call me “Sweet Lou.” Who the hell does this guy think he is? Teen Wolf? Oh, and he tells a story about some old bitches who told me to win soon because they “don’t have much time left.” He forgot to add the ending to the story, when I banged them both.
- I hear Selig might not follow Bonds around when he’s trying to chase down Aaron’s home run record. The little wuss justifies it by saying he wasn’t there when Clemens won his 300th game. Wasn’t there someone else who recently won his 300th game who isn’t a complete asshole? Were you there for that one, you liver-spotted tit?
- This article about steaming balls is as gay as you think it is. Check out this gem: “Since 2002, the Rockies have kept baseballs in an atmosphere-controlled climate, known locally as “the humidor,” to keep them from shrinking, hardening and losing friction.” I’m calling in sick for the series in Colorado.
- The Orioles resigned that idiot Patterson. Patterson’s so dumb, he can’t even spell “K” in his scorecard.
- Carrie Muskrat shows why she’s still single, suggesting you buy a baseball glove for your loved one for Valentine’s Day. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that Muskrat can only get the backup catcher, the center fielder for the Dodgers, the crappy shortstop, the rookie, and the guy with the bloody sack to talk to her? Christ, I don’t even talk to those guys.
- Oh, and we Hispanics don’t English well to translate into. From the article: “Besides, he added that his personal goals will be to show coach Lou Piniella who supports the level with which he finished 2006 with .245 with six home runners and 41 RBIs.” Who wrote that sentence? Patterson?
It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there, kids, so bundle up this weekend with a bottle of Jack and a good book. Just kidding. Rent a porno.