Archive for the 'Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “We’re Moving” Edition

Okay, you guys. First of all, with all this “Jim Essian” nonsense, I didn’t get a chance for a Friday roundup. Instead, you can just go over to Desipio and get the same insulting effect.

MORE IMPORTANTLY…

…I’m sick of the pimple-faced, arrogant, bedwetting little cocksmoker who owns the “Fire Lou Piniella!” domain (please do NOT give him the pleasure of going to the actual site; I’ll save you the trip and tell you it’s an idiotic link to Cafe Press with a lot of shitty “Fire Lou!” crap) getting traffic on his site thanks to all of my work (screw you, Kermit). Plus, as Kermit mentioned, you freaks are multiplying like roaches, so it’s about damn time Kermit sacked up and got his own domain.

With that said, we’re taking this operation over to Hire Jim Essian! TJBrown deserves mounds and mounds and mounds of praise for coming up with idea for the domain. Guess what? He won’t get it from me. But Kermit told me to mention how much he appreciates not only TJ’s idea, but all of you idiots who keep coming over here and reading, making the new domain a worthwhile enterprise.

A few things about the new site:

  1. All of the old posts from this site have been transferred over there, so you can go ahead and update your bookmarks to the new site.
  2. I will still be contributing at the same frequency I was over here. Kermit extended my contract, so I’m making the move. The regular features, such as the Bottom 126, will continue over there.
  3. We’re in negotiations with Jim Essian, so hopefully we will have three contributors at the new place.
  4. TJ’s idea is particularly great, because we can adapt with the asshole who replaces me without having to get a new domain. As long as Essian doesn’t die.
  5. Kermit will try to figure out a way to get this site to redirect to the new one, but if he can’t (and, since he’s a retard, he probably won’t be able to), he wants me to beg you to come over to the new site. So, here goes. I will piss on your toothbrush if you don’t come to the new site.

I don’t hope to see you over there.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: March 2, 2007

Another day, another game, another picture of me looking sexy as hell.

Do me.

My posture says “casual,” but my pants-bulge cries out “passion!”

I have a lot to cover, kids. Apparently, the start of Spring Training is a big deal around here. In Tampa Bay, we tricked the fans into thinking Spring Training lasted through September. It took some of the sting away.

Anyhow, I have to get out to the field. Zambrano said he was going to pitch this afternoon’s game left-handed, because right-handed is getting too easy. I have to go talk him out of it.  Later, asswipes.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: February 23, 2007

Okay, whores and boars. It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Strip club night! And also, you get your Friday roundup courtesy of yours truly. Without further doo-doo, here we go:

  • The Muskrat points out that I have no choice but to put Hill in the rotation. The guy is on my kid’s fantasy team. Yeah, he took him right after Shawn Estes. There’s gotta be at least 80 teams in my kid’s league. I also made a note on my calendar to forget about what happened to the Cubs in the 2006 season. In hindsight, it seems kind of stupid to write a note about something I’m supposed to forget. It’s almost like it makes me remember…
  • Pitcher Watch: Prior is still not dead, Wood is still not wet, and Marquis is still not good (although Cotts sort of is).
  • This Gordon Wittenmyer has to be stopped. Now he’s fantasizing about my players sitting in the clubhouse in their underwear. The other day, he used a doughnut to try to lure Eyre into the back of one of those white vans. Pervert. Oh, and his article was about Zambrano hitting the shit out of the ball. Do you realize that at the rate he was hitting home runs last year, Z projected to hit 45 over the course of an entire season? Holy balls.
  • This Izturis kid sure is humble. Maybe he’s never caught a glimpse of the size of his ears. He said, “I know who the real Cesar Izturis is. Cesar Izturis is a player that played with the Dodgers, a Gold Glove winner, an All-Star. That’s who Cesar Izturis is. This year, I will stay healthy and they will see that.” Izturis’s story is really inspirational. It’s the story of a young boy who pulled himself up off the streets of Venezuela where, apparently, he was good at baseball, and traveled all the way to America, where he successfully rode the bench for my team. Seriously, until you stop hitting like a pansy, by all means continue sucking your own dick, Dumbo.

That’s all for this Friday. Apparently, these idiot writers are already burnt out from covering the “Ooooooo, Piniella is so much feistier than Dusty” angle. Because that angle was so very clever and original. Hacks.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: Feb. 16, 2007

What’s up, my uglies? Time for another Friday Roundup courtesy of the nut-swingingest manager in the Majors! Be careful getting out of those hot tubs, you yuppie assholes, and listen up:

  • I beat some sense into Zambrano with a rubber hose, so now he wants to stay in Chicago. He doesn’t want to “accidentally” fall down any more steps, do you, Carlos?
  • It was so cute watching Wade Miller and Prior throw bullpen sessions with each other. Almost as cute as watching Zambrano and that prick catcher on the White Sox playing grabass in the commercial they filmed together. Maybe those four homos can braid Samardzija’s hair.
  • Self-fellating douchebag Dan McNeil hides in his basketball article this little nugget: the boys are placing bets on when I’ll blow up. Who had February 16, you smug little c@#$suckers?! I’m going to make your lives a living hell today! Oh, and Dan McNeil is not one to be making fun of Scott Eyre’s weight.Tipping your scales, afternoons on ESPN 1000 Does it even matter which of the three disgusting slobs is McNeil?
  • The Cub Reporter points out that we have an Eyre-sized assload of lefties on this team, and Goat Riders points out that it might be good that that overrated sissy Zito isn’t one of them.
  • Some idiot in the NY Times writes an article that all but calls me nuts. Which one is the NY Times again? Is that the one everyone calls a tabloid, or the one that everyone says is written by egotistical assholes? I can never keep those two straight. Anyhow, read the article for some nice parting shots directed at that brainless idiot Baker.

Well, I gotta make the boys run wind sprints till they puke. It’s good to be back at camp, you little internerds.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

Sweet Uncle Lou’s SPECIAL EDITION Spring Training Roundup

What the f@#$ is with all the “Spring Training Preview” articles this weekend? What, no one wanted to cover the Pro Bowl? Ha ha haaaa! Jerks. Well, I got out of bed earlier than usual this afternoon just so I could let you computer-illiterate punks know what’s being said about Spring Training.

Just think! Only a few more days until you get to see me in skintight pinstriped pants! Doesn’t that just make your crotch burn?

  • Chris DeLuca is still somehow getting paid for his writings. He writes about five players to watch in Spring Training. The first is DeRosa. Coach DeLuca thinks that DeRosa might be more useful in a platoon situation with Jacque Jones. Of course, DeLuca ain’t getting paid to fill out a lineup. He’s apparently paid to write idiotic, poorly thought out articles about my players for a newspaper that is about a half step above Redeye. DeLuca’s #2 player to watch is Izturis. Christ, does DeLuca think anyone would voluntarily watch Izturis play baseball? For God’s sake, I don’t even watch him. Moving on, DeLuca suggests one of the best hitters on the team might get knocked out of the lineup for so-so defense. He’s talking about Murton, not Barrett. If he thinks I’d bench Carrot Top for defense when I have that idiot Jones making divots in right field every time he tries to throw a guy out at home, he’s in for a surprise. Next, DeLuca thinks we should watch Wade Miller. Watch him do what? Try to break a plate glass window with his fastball? Finally, DeLuca mentions Neil Cotts. DeLuca suggests that Cotts may be the next Glendon Rusch, and he says it like it’s a good thing. Good article, Chris. Let’s move on.
  • Ken Davidoff says that Spring Training is arguably the best time of year to be a baseball fan. Unless, of course, your team ever gets in the playoffs. Which we don’t. He calls us the #2 most intriguing team behind the Red Sox. Guess who’s #3. If you said “the Yankees,” you’re well aware that the douchebag media doesn’t realize we play baseball west of Boston. Assholes. Plus the guy gives us one f@#$ing sentence so he can get back to blowing the AL East. He then goes on to list the most intriguing players. Surprise, surprise, Daisy Matsuzaka and A-Rod are in the top 3. The rest of the article is only worth reading if you have to take one of those 20-minute dumps and you know you’re going to need something to wipe with when you’re done.
  • Some cocksucker in St. Louis says that we still have a hole in center field, and that Felix Pie gets the first crack at the job. How many weeks ago did I announce that Soriano would be in center? Nice research, turd.
  • Here’s what to do during Spring Training if you have unlimited funds, you quit your job, and you don’t mind your wife leaving you. None of these are problems, apparently, for Ben Walker.
  • The Sun-Times does a National League Spring Training preview. The Chicago Sun-Times. They seem to be missing a team from the NL Central. This is why you’re considered a tabloid, you jackasses.
  • Jeff Vorva, whose name sounds like a slang term for “vagina,” tells me what I need to do to win the NL Central. This is priceless:
    • Vorva says, “Lou! Rethink the top of the order!” I say, “Vorva! Kiss my ass!”
    • Vorva says, “Get the outfield in order!” I say, “Get a real job!”
    • Vorva says, “Keep ‘Z’ on edge.” I say, “Go find an edge and drag it across your wrists.”
    • Vorva says, “Put Dempster on a short leash.” I say, “S&M is for sick freaks like you, Gimp.”
    • Vorva says, “Hope and pray that this $61 million was spent wisely.” I say, “Who would I pray to? I’m God.”
  • Darrin Beene picks us as a sleeper to win the NL. Sleeper? Wake the f@#$ up, Beene baby! We’ll be an odds-on favorite to win this bitch once I teach these pansies to do things like run the bases and take balls.
  • The one professional sportswriter in this town analyzes the moves the Cubs have made, and the importance of getting “bang for the buck” out of each move. I can’t make fun of Miles. He’s interesting and fair.
  • The Mercury News previews the season and suggests that I experienced “sheer delight” with the amount of spending Fat Jim did. I haven’t had a moment of “sheer delight” ever. That phrase is queer.
  • Oh, here is the Sun-Times’ Cubs preview. It’s not really much of a preview, is it? But, hey, thanks to the Sun-Times, you know when we’ll be playing the “Paddiv>” in Spring Training. That’s some bang-up reporting, Sun-Times.

Well, I have to get to Arizona soon. If you’re traveling to Spring Training, make sure you come up and say hi to me. Maybe even ask me for an autograph. I love that as much as I’m sure you’ll love the foot up your ass you’ll get in return.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: Feb. 9, 2007

What’s up, jerks? You done crying in your beers over your Bears getting abused by a guy name Peyton? That’s gotta really sting, huh? That’s like the Cubs losing a World Series to a guy named Sandberg. Ha ha! Just kidding. We’ll never be in the World Series. Okay, you little pricks, are you ready for your Friday roundup? If you aren’t, too bad.

  1. Jon Saraceno calls you all idiot drunks for rooting for this crappy team. I agree with him, even if he’s in the third trimester of turning into a werewolf. Jon SeracenoHe also has the f@#$ing nerve to call me “Sweet Lou.” Who the hell does this guy think he is? Teen Wolf? Oh, and he tells a story about some old bitches who told me to win soon because they “don’t have much time left.” He forgot to add the ending to the story, when I banged them both.
  2. I hear Selig might not follow Bonds around when he’s trying to chase down Aaron’s home run record. The little wuss justifies it by saying he wasn’t there when Clemens won his 300th game. Wasn’t there someone else who recently won his 300th game who isn’t a complete asshole? Were you there for that one, you liver-spotted tit?
  3. This article about steaming balls is as gay as you think it is. Check out this gem: “Since 2002, the Rockies have kept baseballs in an atmosphere-controlled climate, known locally as “the humidor,” to keep them from shrinking, hardening and losing friction.” I’m calling in sick for the series in Colorado.
  4. The Orioles resigned that idiot Patterson. Patterson’s so dumb, he can’t even spell “K” in his scorecard.
  5. Carrie Muskrat shows why she’s still single, suggesting you buy a baseball glove for your loved one for Valentine’s Day. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that Muskrat can only get the backup catcher, the center fielder for the Dodgers, the crappy shortstop, the rookie, and the guy with the bloody sack to talk to her? Christ, I don’t even talk to those guys.
  6. Oh, and we Hispanics don’t English well to translate into. From the article: “Besides, he added that his personal goals will be to show coach Lou Piniella who supports the level with which he finished 2006 with .245 with six home runners and 41 RBIs.” Who wrote that sentence? Patterson?

It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there, kids, so bundle up this weekend with a bottle of Jack and a good book. Just kidding. Rent a porno.

-Uncle Lou


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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